Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Damian Gregory | Underserved Youth

 

In today’s highly digital and fast-paced world, kids have to deal with a ton of unnecessary distractions and pressure. Former NFL player Damian Gregory has been providing support to the underserved youth through his non-profit organization Gridiron G.A.N.G., helping them navigate the chaotic society and achieve profound success. In this conversation with Marc Lehman, he talks about his mission to guide the youth on overcoming the adversities of life, the pressures of social media, and the challenges of becoming an athlete. He also emphasizes the importance of taking care of your mental health, cultivating a resilient mindset, and finding stability in uncomfortable situations.

Watch the episode here

 

Listen to the podcast here

 

Providing Support To Underserved Youth With Damian Gregory

I’m super excited to welcome Damian Gregory. Damian, welcome to the show. How are you?

I’m pretty good. Glad to be on here.

Thanks for being here. I appreciate it. Damian is a former NFL defensive tackle who played for a variety of teams, including the Dolphins, the Bears and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. After retiring from professional football, he became a motivational speaker and advocate for mental health awareness. Drawing from his personal experiences, Damian emphasized the importance of resilience, mental well-being, and personal growth.

He’s been featured in various platform sharing his insights and overcoming adversity and the significance of mental health in achieving success. In 2019, Damion founded Gridiron G.A.N.G. or Giving Adolescents New Goals, a non-profit organization and advocating Athletics as a mechanism to inspire achievement in all aspects of life for the underserved youth.

The goal for each participant is to lay the pathway to success by instilling the mindset of accomplishment in spite of adversity. Over the past thirteen years, the Gridiron G.A.N.G. a successfully administered volunteer football camps and lectures with the support of community advocate partners. Welcome to the show. Damian, how are you?

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Damian Gregory | Underserved Youth

 

I’m great. I’m excited dive into the conversation.

Damian Gregory And The Gridiron G.A.N.G.

Maybe that’s a great place for us to start. Tell us some more about the Gridiron G.A.N.G..

It’s an organization that I started in my last few years in the NFL and was able to implement programming after I got done. It was something to try to give back to my community. I grew up in Lansing, Michigan. My mom is 1 of 12. My grandma was instrumental in my upbringing and so is my grandfather. He did a lot of community service work. He worked at the plant, but he also was a janitor/program director at the local Lets. I believe it’s a community center in my hometown

Therefore, the different programs that my family put me in, they would put me in different programs at the Kingsley Center in Lansing, Michigan at the Black Family and Child Institute, which was called the BCFI. I went to YMCA, the Boys and Girls Club. I was a program baby. Seeing the effect that those programs and those leaders had on me at early age, made me want to give it forward. I started to get on Gridiron G.A.N.G., which is giving out adolescent goals.

We just started off with going to visit in small hospitals at first and seeing kids that were in need. We saw that there was a greater need for some sports training as well, so we added some sports element to that, where that’s how we were able to bring the kids in to be able to talk about leadership qualities, stabilization of mental health, dealing with your situation and how to better yourself in bad situations.

It’s fantastic. I feel like you’ve combined several areas of your childhood as well as recognizing that you have a platform as an athlete to be able to give back to the community and have kids recognize and respect your professional situation and understanding. That’s admirable, Damian, for you to do that with young kids and to give kids that message of how important they are and where youth sports could anchor kids. I’m curious, what role would you say sports play for you?

Starting off, the things that worked for me were just being stable and trying to find a happy place in a chaotic situation. Football is a chaotic situation being things are moving at you rapidly, especially the defensive tackle position which I played. I got Lyman here. I got running back, so I got where I receive. Things are just very chaotic during that. Trying to find peace within my own situation was how I was able to find out what I would be good at after getting done with football to be able to apply that and help other kids.

Trying to find a way to help them through the chaos. They’re dealing with moms and dads both working, or sometimes not working or being disabled. I know kids that have parents with cerebral palsy and they’re not just going to school. They’re taking care of their families. They’re trying to earn a living. We’re trying to give them a place of comfort in the chaotic situation.

Wellness In An Athlete’s World

Well said. It’s such a need. I’m curious, too. You were an athlete for many years and imagine you went through all the levels and saw lots of different things, some positive, and some negative. I’m curious for you when you think back, how would you categorize your define wellness within an athlete’s world?

Again, just trying to find that stable situation in the chaotic situation. As an athlete, things are coming at you so much, especially as early athlete. In high school, there’s the females, the grades, and your parents being able to be a part of your situation, either in a supportive role or they can’t be because there are working. Trying to find what small things that you can concentrate on to get you through the day.

I was always told by a coach early on, “You never get better. You don’t stay the same. You’re going to get worse or you’re going to get better every day. You never going to stay the same. You have to figure out a way to just notching those days and over and over trying to find a way to keep it going. Keep taking those strong steps.” The wellness part of it is mental.

You will get better every day. You will never stay the same. You have to figure out a way to keep taking strong steps. Share on X

As you know, just because of the social media aspect of the kids these days, we didn’t have that we were coming up and that’s a blessing because the pressure that social media puts on these kids on a daily basis is astounding. I can see it every day with my own children, with kids that I’ve coached, and kids that I mentored. They feel like they’re in a rush. They have to do this. They have to get here. They have to get to these points, and every kid’s story is different. Everybody’s situation is its own situation.

Letting them know that you don’t have to compete with time Tom, Bob or Samantha and Christy. You have to compete with yourself first and understand who you are, what you’re able to bring to the table and your strengths, your weaknesses, what you can work on to make your weaknesses, your strengths and try to move yourself ahead. That’s the wellness part. A lot of kids these days aren’t concentrating on what they can do to better than themselves from within.

That’s a great point. Many has changed in the last 15 to 20 years. Certainly, social media and NIL. The money that comes through now is just equated to a ton of pressure. I see and hear kids in 8th, 9th or 10th grade and they’re getting mandated with coaches and inquiries. In 8th grade, I was learning how my shoes. These kids are making life decisions. It’s stressful. I like what you said, though. Figuring out a way, whether it’s within your sport like a workout or some other way to feel stable or to feel comfortable within yourself.

I have some kids that rely on journaling or meditation. I have certainly kids that work out and enjoy exercise. I have other kids that join a club or an activity and that gives them some sanity. Certainly, athletes now more than ever need something to rely on to create less stress and anxiety. It’s a tough world. It’s a tough world for young adults. You make a great point about social media.

Unfortunately, anxiety and depressive levels are up. They’re higher than they’ve ever been. It does put some pressure on young adults to find ways to make themselves feel less stressed and less overdone each day. I like what you said, though, how do you do that and get through the day. It’s a good way of looking at it. Are there certain views over time that seems to help you and assist you with wellness?

Things that I’ve done over the years, I’ve tried the meditation. I’ve tried to digging and sleeping the 9 to 10 hours and say, “Sleep about 10 hours is bad.” I’m not asleep like that. Overall, reading is something that has always been something that helps me stabilize and get back into a place of comfort. I try to tell kids, “The flipping of the screens on social media and the quick viewing of TV gives us a short attention span. It makes you Jump from different levels of emotions.”

Flipping screens on social media leads to a shorter attention span. It makes you jump from different levels of emotions. Share on X

You might be there for five minutes and you’ve seen something from politics all the way to sexual type stuff. You have to find, as I said something that works for you and cut off some of those extra-curricular activities like the phones, the social media, and the TVs. Get back and find a way to read. It doesn’t even have to be a book. It can be read a poem or a comic book or concentrated on a lesson that you have already in school that you just double back on. Something to just stabilize yourself.

Also, music as well. I like to play some music. A lot of different kinds of music to just assume the mind. I’m R&B guy. I like listening to some old Jazz and some R&B. It brings me down a level. You can’t just be bopping to Jeezy and 50 Cent all day. You have to find a way to decompress and be able to use those different tools that are available to us on a daily basis to calm us down and be a little bit more mentally focused.

I like how you said that. I’m up in Connecticut. It’s husky country. When they won the championship in 2024, it was interesting. One of their players who since graduated mentioned early on in the year that he doesn’t have any social media. Being a 23-year-old young man with no social media. Every time this kid was interviewed, they him asked him about it. No one could believe it that he had no social media. I thought it was great. He had focused, understood, and the impact.

For young people reading, your words are important. You’ve achieved professional status at your career. You know a thing or two when it comes to athletics. One of the reasons why I love having various people on my show is that, everybody’s got an opinion. It’s important to embrace everybody’s viewpoint because if people are reading and they take a nugget or two here and there, that’s the point. That’s the whole point of normalizing photos.

Open Dialogue With Your Kids

I appreciate you putting that out there, Damian. I’m curious, you are also a dad. Another hat that you wear. You have three kids, I believe. They’re just coming into the teenage world now. As a dad, as kids are growing up, we start to think about what was life like for us when we were their age and because of some of the things we talked about. It’s changed dramatically. I’m wondering, what are some of your observations in terms of your own kids? What are you noticing? What are some of the things that kids are facing nowadays that seem difficult?

A lot of things that are kids are feeling these days are things that we felt as well but just on a magnify level. They’re competing with each other in sports. Not just in sports but in school. There’s competing in a different kind of way because as I said with the social media stuff. It becomes a different competition. I have young daughters as well. I have a daughter that’s ten and some of her friends have started to get skin care stuff, so then they’re sharing their skin care stuff. It’s not harmful stuff. It’s not stuff that they’re doing where it’s a bad thing, but it can become something else. Unless you let her know what she needs to be doing with that or how she needs to be obtaining it.

She’s like, “I want to go to Sephora, dad. I want to go here.” I’m like, “There are certain items I would allow you to have and that are good for your age group but there’s some things that I don’t agree with and this is why I don’t.” You explain to them why you don’t want them wearing these certain things or going in these certain areas at this age because it’s a lot of pitfalls out for young ladies that are dressing a certain way or seen a little older when they’re not just because of the skin care stuff that they’re choosing.

That has been an obstacle being that I never faced before that I had to try to align with the proper judgment with me and my wife. My son as well going off to high school. He’s a younger kid for his age. He’s a little younger than mostly kids in his grade and he plays football as well. I didn’t have the pressure of my dad playing in the NFL or being coached by guys that played with my dad. It becomes a different hurdle for him. He’s like, “I feel like guys are always on me.” It’s probably they are always on you because I go half way with the couple of those guys there. They know what I would be expecting from you and they would be expecting from you as well.

Being able to limit their expectations and their exposure but not limited in a capping way. Only in a defining way. Defining what these different feelings that they’re having maybe the anxiety of being coached by someone that I know or the anxiety of, “Dad. I want to get this product for my face.” Those are totally different things but, at the end, they all come back to the same home and the same message, which is, let’s try to find the good in these products. Let’s try to find the good in this situation.

What can we do to concentrate on being better at understanding why this is not a good product for me or why I shouldn’t be going to lift weights right after I left wrestling practice?” I’m like, “Son, you can’t be in a rush.” As you know, there’s no speed limit in life. There’s a speed limit on the road but not in life. Once you get cooking, it can go like that. Trying to make sure they’re stable and they have a good base.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Damian Gregory | Underserved Youth

 

You hit on a number of things. One important word, understand. As parents, we wear a hat. We wear a lot of hats, but one of the hats we wear is teaching. I always say to parents like when your kid is fifteen, a lot of times your oldest when they turn fifteen is like, “I got this down.” They turned sixteen and you’re like, “Now I got to figure out sixteen,” then your daughter’s.

It’s different when they’re fifteen. In many cases, parenting is on the job learning. Guess who’s our best teachers? Those kids. They teach us and they teach us well, but we got to work together. You strike me as someone who’s got a open dialogue with not only your kids, but maybe also the kids from Gridiron.

I admire that, Damian, because it’s interesting. I meet parents of all types and I don’t know how parents encounter the next stressor and parenting and not talk. I don’t know how they do that, but I imagine the kid figures that out or doesn’t themselves and things get challenging as a result. Open dialogue is huge. It sounds like you’re a person who encourages that with kids.

I do, and I still get a lot of open dialogue from former campers, mentees, and guys that I’ve worked with from Naples. I used to have a program a few years there, and still gets a heads up from those kids that are there. Some of them are grown, in college, and in careers. I see them on social media. I always liked their stuff. I’m always sending nice little message just a to let them know coach is still there coaching. Don’t think I’m not watching or I don’t know where you’re not making the right decisions.

That’s why I try to walk the way. I walk on my social media and Pages, just to show it’s okay to be a father. It’s okay to do things outside of the norm. You don’t have to do it like the Joneses and everyone else is doing. You can do what you’re supposed to be doing, which is aligning with God or whoever seeing fit to move forward with your life. Having that open dialogue and somewhere kids are able to come back to.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Damian Gregory | Underserved Youth

 

I get hit from guys that are, as I said, still playing guys, aren’t playing, and guys that gave the game up right after camp. They always knew coach Carrie. I can bounce a couple of teams with him. I can bounce this off of him like, “Coach, what do you think about this school? What do you think about me thinking about this career?” I’d be like, “That’s where you should go. As a matter of fact, check this out, too. This concentrates on that as well.” I’ll send more information because I want to see them successful. Not that it’s any sweat off me but if I have been around, you or if I’ve touched you, I want to see you have a success.

I hear you. Your helper, Damian. You like helping. I’ve coached myself. I certainly have done lots of counseling over the years. I always say to my patients, “Stay in touch. Drop me a card here. Drop me a line. Drop me a message.” Sometimes I hear and sometimes I don’t. Someone said to me a long time ago and it meant a lot. I’ll say it back to you because it’s applicable here. You have no idea just when you say to someone, “You mean a lot. You’re important. Your actions are important.” Those statements from a grown adult to a kid have this ripple effect and oftentimes, create for that young person a positivity that we don’t necessarily get to see.

Get In Touch With Damian

Years later, you may hear from that person. I admire what you’re doing. I do and your positivity, openness, and your ability to communicate with people in general. You connect with them where they’re at. Again, you’re a person in the athletic industry. You’ve touched all the levels. You’re credibility is there, and yet you work with young people. Again, you find out how you can help and you’re there. You got a big heart, Damian. I appreciate what you do. I do. Can I just ask for my readers, how can they find you if they’re in in the southern Florida vicinity?

We’re at @Gridiron_GANG on Instagram and we’re @GridironGangInc on X. I don’t use X as much no more as I used to but you can still get with me. You can also send me an email at Info@GridironGroup.org and I’m always available. We do a lot of stuff at Holiday Park, which is our local park in Fort Lauderdale. We partner with the City of Fort Lauderdale on the couple small projects. We’re working hand in hand with Mount Olive Church in Fort Lauderdale very close with the deacon and Tom over there.

We’re trying to do more in the community. We’ve only been here for a few years, but we did a lot of Jersey and Naples as well. I used to have a camp in Naples with the Bayshore Educational Center, which is an educational center that’s tailored for the Lely area of Naples, which is a highly populated area of people from Haiti that came over. We’ve done a lot of camps for transitioning them into America and things that they would love to do in the states.

You do not have to do what everyone else is doing. You can do what you are supposed to be doing: aligning with God and moving forward with your life according to your plans. Share on X

That’s been a great program we did. We did a lot of stuff with the Calais Foundation, which was in New Jersey, which is a special needs school that is dear to my heart. We’re probably going to be doing a little bit more of that going forward. Not in that Aventura but we got still in the works with some of the stuff for 2025, but we have a 5K walk with an organization called Ellie’s Army, which we’re pushing for. I was close with Ellie. She had cystic fibrosis. She died about 10 years ago. That’s my agent’s daughter.

We were just two of a kind. As soon as we got with each other, we were full of energy and full of balls of joy. She touched my life early on and she helped me get through some obstacles that I had early on and just being able to keep her legacy going. We have a 5K that we do every year. This is about the 17th year of it. It’s at Aventura Library on February 23rd. Anyone that wants to know about it, you can go to DirtySocks.org. You can sign up to be a participant and/or sponsor. It’s a great event. You got former players, coaches and people from the community. Everyone that wants to give back and put on honor on Ellie’s name.

That’s fantastic. I got to connect you with my buddy Dr. Joe. Do you know Joe Oravecz. He’s the CEO of NAMI Broward County in that area. He does a lot of work down there. Him and I have done some work together as well. I got to connect you, but you’re doing some great work down there, Damian. I appreciate and admire all of what you do with your community.

Damian’s Nominee For Next Guest

Let me ask you, part of Normalize it Forward, to continue the conversation around wellness. Talking about not only mental health but from all of the different hats that we wear, whether it’s athlete or parent or individual in the community. Part of what we do with Normalize it Forward is to try to continue to have the conversation. I usually ask, if you have a friend, a co-worker, or a relative, someone who you think would be helpful for me to connect with next. I’ll put you on the spot and ask, any thoughts? Anyone individual that you thought might be good?

A great guy to look at is a guy that I see on a daily basis, Brandon Marshall that played the NFL for a long time. Brandon played for numerous teams. He has a show called I Am Athlete and he also has a facility called House of Athlete. He’s been a champion for mental health and awareness over the years. I just shared something on my social media about a lady that came up to him on the street over the last couple of days and just said, “His openness to talk about his mental health situation helped her of her life and helped her serve to the next steps.”

Him as well as AJ Brown that has just showed a lot of initiative with the reading of the book on the sidelines. A lot of people looked at it as a weird situation, but we all have things that we need to calm us like we talked about earlier, to center us, to bring us back to a place of comfort. If reading on the sidelines was that thing that kept him calm during those tense times, then that’s a great opportunity. Leaning into that same realm of football players, AJ Brown would love it and a former player Brandon Marshall. Both of those guys are leaders in the mental health space, and enlighten a crowd, too.

We all have things that bring us back to a place of comfort. Share on X

That’d be great, Damian. I’ll get their contact info offline for you, but I appreciate the names and would love to connect with those gentlemen. I, too, agree with what you’re saying. It’s interesting when you hear about the stats of mental health and they say 1 and 5 or 2 and 5, but I think it’s 5 and 5. I have a good friend of mine who talks about that as their mission statement, 5 and 5 constantly. It’s like we are all susceptible. We all have good days, bad days, and our struggles. The more we talk about him, the more we’re able to glean information that can be helpful and continue to move forward. One last question for you on the brink of the Super Bowl. Do you have any predictions for us, Damian? What do you think?

It’s kind of tough. I went to the Super Bowl to see the first time they played against each other and I was going for Kansas City. I’m going to state here, I’m going for Philly. I’m a State Farm Barkley fan. We live in Rutherford, New Jersey, before we moved down to Florida. Say Quan was right there in our backyard. He was a great kid. He did a lot in our community of brotherhood at the time and seeing him flourished into the player he’s become.

My son got to go to a couple of his camps and meet him early on in his career and just seeing his impact on the game and being the Ambassador for the game that he is an ambassador for being such a great young. He’s such a well-rounded great young man that you want to see a person like that representing the lead. Having him there on that podium, holding that award as MVP of the Super Bowl would be great. Not just for the game of football, but for the game of life.

You heard it here, Damian’s predicting Philly. I’m with him. I think Philly going to take it as well. I appreciate your sentiments. I’m also a big Say Quan fans, so I would love to see that happen. I appreciate you taking the time to be here. I’m sure my readers do as well. Your thoughts around mental health and wellness are spot on. I agree with so much of what you had to say, but I want to thank you. Thank you for your time and your energy. Enjoy yourself. Have fun.

Thank you, Dr. Marc. Go Eagles.

You take care. See you, Damian.

 

Important Links

 

About Damian Gregory

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Damian Gregory | Underserved YouthDamian Gregory, a Michigan native, born in Ann Arbor and spent his youth in Lansing, where he attended Sexton High School. He received a football scholarship to attend Indiana University in Bloomington Indiana and graduated in the class of 2000. At Indiana University he was a three-year starter, voted “All-Big Ten”, appeared in 31 games with 22 starts and registered 125 tackles. He spent his last year of his college career with Illinois State University, where he was voted team MVP, 1st Team All-American and served as Team Captain voted by players and staff.

In May of 2000 Damian signed as a free agent with the Miami Dolphins where he played Nose Guard and Tackle. After two years with the Dolphins in 2002, Damian signed with the Cleveland Browns where he played Defensive Tackle and Nose Guard. In 2003 Damian moved to Oakland where he played with the Oakland Raiders as Nose Guard. In 2004 Damian played a year with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers as Defensive Tackle. He also played in the NFL Europe League with the Scottish Claymores in 2004, where he was voted Team MVP, “All Europe First Team” and “Lineman Of The Year”. In 2006 Damian spent his last playing year with the with Michigan’s own Detroit Lions, where he played Nose Guard and Defensive Tackle.

After a six-year career in the NFL, Damian founded Gridiron Marketing Group LLC in April 2005. Gridiron Marketing Group specializes in investment property, foreclosures, short sales, buying and selling commercial and residential property, and remodeling. Gridiron Marketing Group also provides commercial and residential development planning, marketing and funding of housing initiatives, which include rental housing projects affording low-income families with quality affordable housing.

Damian has spent every year since the end of his college career serving as a coach to several youth football camps, and various weekly football clinics in the United States and Scotland, such as the Gridiron Institute Football Camp , the NFL Youth Activities, Fuel Up To Play 60, and a host of others.

In July of 2008 Damian was selected by the NFL Retired Players Association to receive an internship as Defensive Line and Defensive Scout Team Coach with Saginaw Valley State University in Saginaw, Michigan. After 2 Seasons with the SVSU Cardinals Coach Gregory decided to concentrate fully on his Real estate entrepreneurial endeavors primarily in the Lansing, Michigan area. Damian continues to serve as president of Gridiron Marketing Group LLC, as well as coaching with various youth football camps / Teams (Ft lauderdale Falcons) and professional representation Goalline football sport agency training future NFL hopefuls.

In 2009 Damian founded Gridiron G.A.N.G. (Giving Adolescents New Goals) a 501c (3) non-profit organization, advocating athletics as a mechanism to inspire achievement in all aspect of life for underserved youth. The goal for each participant is to lay the pathway to success by instilling the mindset of accomplishment in spite of adversity. Over the past thirteen years Gridiron G.A.N.G. has successfully administered volunteer football camps and lectures with the support of community advocate partners (Y.M.C.A., Gateway Services, Rutgers University, Troop 21, NFLAA, NFLPA, etc.) in Michigan, New Jersey, Florida and New York reaching over 20,000 children.

Damian Gregory currently serves on the executive committee of the NFL Alumni Detroit Chapter, and President emeritus of the Board of Trustees for the Calais Foundation. Damian is married to Mrs. Shayla Gregory and they have three beautiful children Damian “DJ” Gregory 14 years old and Genevieve Gregory 10 years old and Vivienne Gregory 6 years old . The Gregory family resides in Fort Lauderdale Florida But Lansing Michigan will always be home.

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Dr. Jen Hartstein | Neurodiversity

 

Let’s talk about neurodiversity. It’s not just a buzzword; it’s about building a better future for work. Marc Lehman ignites a crucial conversation with Dr. Jen Hartstein, owner of Hartstein Psychological Services and co-founder of Mental Capital. This isn’t your typical HR talk; Dr. Hartstein, an expert in child and adolescent psychology, is revolutionizing how companies embrace this concept. This episode dives deep: How do we move beyond surface-level awareness to truly attract, hire, and retain neurodiverse talent? Dr. Jen Hartstein provides the roadmap, empowering leaders to cultivate workplaces where every mind thrives, and innovation flourishes.

Watch the episode here

 

Listen to the podcast here

 

Championing Neurodiversity In The Workplace With Dr. Jen Hartstein

I am joined by Dr. Jennifer Hartstein. Jennifer, welcome.

Thanks for having me.

Thanks for being here. Dr. Jennifer Hartstein is the Owner of Hartstein Psychological Services, a group private practice in New York City. Dr. Jen works with children, adolescents, and their families with a wide range of psychological diagnoses and specializes in the treatment of high-risk children and adolescents. Additionally, she’s the Cofounder of Mental Capital, working with companies large and small to attract higher and retain neurodiverse employees and staff while helping to create neuro inclusive work environments. I can’t wait to hear about that.

Dr. Jen frequently speaks with companies about mental health stress reduction and how leaders can create healthy work environments for their employees. She’s on the executive committee and is a Board Member for Active Minds, an amazing organization working on college campuses to decrease the stigma of mental health.

She’s part of a practitioner alliance of Same Here Global, a major mental health organization run by my colleague and friend Eric Kussin. Dr. Jen was a Self-Esteem Ambassador for Dove’s Real Beauty campaign and was on the advisory board for MTV’s A Thin Line, which focused on the digital behavior of today’s young people.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Dr. Jen Hartstein | Neurodiversity

 

She’s the author of Princess Recovery: A How-to Guide for Raising Strong, Empowered Girls Who Can Create Their Own Happily Ever Afters. She’s a regular contributor to a variety of media outlets, including NBC News Now, NBC’s The Today Show, The Huffington Post and Parents Magazine. Dr. Jen, thank you so much for being here. How’d I do with that?

You did great. I’m like, “That person sounds really impressive.”

Absolutely. I agree. I do think you’re very impressive. Let’s dig in. Let’s talk about this, because you and I do very similar work. There’s some crossover, but clearly, you are doing some stuff that I don’t do and would love to hear about. Can we start with Mental Capital? That intrigued me. Tell us about that.

Dr. Jen Hartstein On Mental Capital & Workplace Inclusion

For sure. Mental Capital is a business that I started with a longtime friend named Peter Shankman, who is very well known in the entrepreneurship space and is a neurodiverse entrepreneur. He has spoken a lot about his ADHD is his superpower and has written some books on it. He has a book called Faster Than Normal and a podcast called Faster Than Normal, which I highly recommend for people who are A DHD or think they might be neurodiverse. They’re great resources. He wrote a great children’s book. We’ve been friends for a very long time.

We were talking and one day we were like, “There seems to be a lack in business space of supporting neurodiverse employees.” He does keynotes about his own experience and here I am, a clinical person and can bring an element into companies saying, “Here’s the clinical side and here’s the lived experience side and this beautiful synergy of how we can help you create neuro inclusive environments.”

Think about it this way. If we think about the fact that I live in Manhattan and every corner has a curb cutout. The curb cutout started as a way to help handicapped people get across sidewalks. It started as a disability focused intervention, but who does it help? It helps parents with strollers, it helps delivery people with carts, it helps groceries, it helps all the things.

What helps one helps the masses. We are trying to really go into businesses and say, “If you can make this change for your neurodiverse staff, it helps all your staff. We also know return of investment. Happier employees make happier businesses, and so on and so forth. That’s really where it started and that’s where we’re getting our traction.

If you look at the research, like when you think about college age and young adults, 53% of Gen Z is identifying as neurodiverse. That doesn’t mean they all carry a specific diagnosis, but it doesn’t matter. They’re going into the workplace identifying as neurodiverse. You have Gen Xers and Boomers still in leadership that don’t know what that means and how to talk to them. They think they’re lazy. They think they’re not working hard enough. Whatever you want to see, there’s all this judgment and you’re losing really good employees because we’re not shifting environments to make it better.

That’s really what Mental Capital is, and it’s really fun and it’s really exciting and to go into like a place like Morgan Stanley where we’ve gone in and done a series of talks and had this wide range of people come up to us at the end, like, “We learned so much. This is so enlightening,” or parents of neurodiverse kids being like, “This is so helpful. How do I advocate for what I need in a workplace?” All of those things. It’s been a lot of fun to be creating.

It’s funny, I was just thinking as therapists, we take that for granted sometimes that everybody knows what we know or everybody’s had the similar experiences. Every once in a while, we meet people that have such a base experience with diversity or neurodiversity and as a result, the working environments can get really complicated and really hard.

I think you have it on both sides. You have the people that just don’t know what it means. They don’t know what the definitions are, they don’t know that we all have different cognitive differences. We have that piece and we’re all supposed to fit into the same hole and peg and that doesn’t work anymore. I think there’s two kinds of problems we have with people coming into work spaces that are neurodiverse.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Dr. Jen Hartstein | Neurodiversity

 

One is they don’t always know how to advocate for themselves because you’ve also been told to be the round peg to get into the hole. You try and mask or create a persona that presents as normal whatever the heck normal means or you have people coming out of environments where they’ve been given. You work in schools.

In school systems, we have 504s and ieps, supports and all these things. All of a sudden, they got thrown out of college and those things don’t exist. That’s maybe what made them a really successful candidate for the job, having some scaffolding. Why do we take all the scaffolding away just because we like have a magic number of 21 or 22? It’s like, no scaffolding. We’re creating frameworks and businesses to keep some scaffolding because I mean, let’s face it, we all could use some scaffolding at different times. Wouldn’t that be helpful? We only know what we know. Having these conversations is really so important because more and more people are impacted and are going to be in the workplace.

You got me thinking about high school, college, and then work. I do a lot of work in high schools and that work in college, that transition. I see that when students not only have scaffolding academically, but then they go into a dorm. Their social skills are limited or low, and really, no one’s taken the time to help them with that.

It’s amazing when you start teaching and you start giving them skillsets and all of a sudden, they start picking up friends. I think it’s similar in the workplace in that they’re able to get things done in a way that their bosses want them to. Wonderful idea. Love the concept. I appreciate you giving us the backdrop of it.

How COVID Changed Mental Health & Emotional Resilience

Let me ask you this. Your practice. You see a lot of different things. I guess I have a couple thoughts or a couple of questions for you. One is we’ll call it post-COVID, I don’t even know if that’s the right term to be using right now, but since COVID has been a little bit in the backdrop, I guess I’m wondering what are some of the trends that you’re noticing with young people in your office?

I think starting in COVID, we really started to see how disconnected young people are. I think that has continued, unfortunately. You have kids in rooms with other kids that are just lonely and disconnected from one another. Fundamentally, we have two buckets of things I’m seeing, not even diagnostically, but we have the emotion dysregulation, lack of the ability to regulate an emotion without some distress tolerance strategy. Without some sort of distraction, I don’t know how to just sit in emotion. You have these very dysregulated kids that become young adults and adults, and we don’t have those skills. I think you have that on the one hand. You have simultaneous with that, a real dearth of interpersonal effectiveness skills.

They don’t know how to say, “I’m really struggling,” or, “I know you think I’m the star athlete and everything’s great, but am I miserable?” In fact, I spoke to a parent who’s like, “We just found out my son had four suicide attempts that failed. We had no idea that this was going on for him.” Top student, top school, star athlete but so well masked that no one had any idea. We hear those stories all the time.

Our specialty in Hartstein Psychological is these high risk, high intensity, highly dysregulated kids. Even with our clients that don’t fit that category, no one knows how to self-soothe. No one knows how to just be like, “This is a rough day. I’m going to lay on the couch and have a pity party for a few hours and cry or be upset or whatever and then I’m going to get up.”

We are so busy being like, “I can’t feel this. Get on my phone, get on a screen. Do something.” It’s amplified as we all know so much more now by comparisons online and all of the things that we’re leaning into with social media. Those are the big buckets that my practice and like all my people would all probably agree are the big holes for young people right now.

Teens, Substances & The Problem With Over-Parenting

I have to say, whether it’s running to the phone for soothing, clearly the whole social media piece, I also see young people with the advent of marijuana pens, mobile it is, we’ll say. With the advent of that, I’ve noticed when I say to kids sometimes, “How often are you using marijuana?” They can’t answer because it’s like 15 to 20 times a day that they’re just taking a puff off of their pen, which reminds me a lot of a child with a with a pacifier. 

It doesn’t even have to be a marijuana vape. I think it can be any vape. They do such a good job of hiding it in their hand or hiding it in a sleeve, and all of a sudden, it’s like, “What?” I’m always amazed. I’m like, “Anywhere?” There’s this lack of responsibility. “Maybe sitting in the doctor’s office is not a place I should be vaping.” I had a client in the hospital and she’s like, “I snuck my vape in.” I’m like, “What?” It wasn’t marijuana, it was nicotine, there is this dependence thing.

I think that the third thing we don’t always like to talk about is we have very well intended adults in the lives of young people who over-function for young people. That makes that interpersonal effectiveness and emotion dysregulation bucket that much harder to fill because someone is always navigating the world for you. All of that over accommodation doesn’t allow anybody to learn they’re actually capable.

All of that overaccommodation from adults doesn't allow young people to learn they are actually capable. Share on X

It’s funny you should say that. I remember a student of mine getting turned down by a college, a seventeen-year-old. It occurred to me as she was sobbing about this that this might be like the first time she’s felt disappointment of this level in her entire life at seventeen. I think that as adults, it becomes our job to let kids tolerate some of these things. Let’s face it, as parents, I think we’re constantly in the middle there of I don’t want my child too anxious or depressed versus I do need to let my child deal with stuff.

Failure As A Tool For Growth & Building Resilience

Failure’s a gift. Jess Lahey wrote one of my favorite books that I recommend to parents all the time called The Gift of Failure. It’s really all about the place we learn is where we fail. Kids learn how to walk because they walk and they fall down. We don’t pick them up all the time. They’ll never learn how to walk. Why do we, all of a sudden, think we can’t let our young people fail? I think that that’s where we learn the most. Jess’s book is just like so spot on in having that conversation. I think that there’s that.

I think that what we ultimately are doing when we’re trying to protect our kids from feeling anxious, feeling sad, failing, is we’re inadvertently teaching them that they’re actually incapable of handling it. We’re actually making them more anxious. We don’t realize that because it also requires parents to navigate their own emotions. Be like, “I can tolerate my kid being anxious. I can tolerate my child sobbing out of disappointment,” and having to just sit there and validate and not tell them, “I can fix it.” That’s really hard.

The resilient piece of being able to come back from that Yeah. Is so important to their self-worth. You hit the nail on the head. I see a little bit of all of that. As parents, it’s a challenge. It is a huge challenge with things like vape pens and things like phones and stuff around kids that work against us as parents. Even therapists. It puts us in a position. You mentioned it increases anxiety. A lot of our work is helping kids tolerate anxiety.

That’s so hard. I had a meeting with a teenager and we were talking about something she was anxious about, but she had something else. She remembered she was anxious about over here. She wants an answer on something that she can’t get an answer on it. She’s so frustrated. I’m like, “Okay, but you’re going to do this thing. We’ve got to come up with some strategies.” She was like, “I have to focus on this side and you have to give me an answer.”

When I wouldn’t give her an answer, it was like she got more and more escalated and I was like, “Alright, hold on. I will hold this space for you to be upset. I can handle it. You can be as frustrated with me as you want. I don’t care, but we still have to finish this conversation. How can you be okay waiting?” I think that was like this beautiful microcosm of what happens with so many kids we see all the time. “What do you mean I have to wait? Give me an answer now.” We are an immediate gratification society. I want it. I order it, I get it tomorrow, the end. There’s no waiting.

You sound like me, Jen. I say that all the time. Amazon wasn’t good enough, so we made Amazon Prime because we need it faster. What’s interesting is like one huge thing in a young person’s world that they can’t speed up is school. School is anything but fast. Many kids have to wait for grades. They have to wait for college entrance stuff and everything you have to wait for.

They’re just not used to that. Maybe that leads me to my next question. I’m wondering about this. Anxiety and depression are obviously way up. You and I see it all the time in our offices. I’m wondering, when you think about what are some of the things that prompt that? Why are they up so much? What comes to mind?

Social Media, Anxiety & The Rising Mental Health Crisis

When you look at the numbers, the numbers are staggering. If we just think basic research numbers like suicide is the second leading cause of death for 10 to 25-year-olds. Anxiety went up for girls heading into COVID until just after COVID, like 200%. Self-harm rates increased. We know 1 in 4 young people have tried self-harming at least one time, which we can talk about also. The numbers are scary. I’m not scared of them, although I think they are scary. I think so much of it is what we were talking about a little bit before. We live in a society because of social media especially. Please let me preface this by saying, I do not think social media is the only enemy of young people. I think it is a problem for young people.

I think that the pendulum has swung over to phones and social media and all this stuff are the devil, but for a socially anxious kid, they’re a lifeline. There’s so much good but I think we’re the messaging right now is take all the phones away and like, go back to feeling the grass. Go back to building independence. Kids are too codependent. They do not know how to do. When I see a ten-year-old walk into school by themselves in the city, I do a little internal happy dance because I love the independence. I think the anxiety and the depression is coming from this constant comparison.

Let us go back to building independent kids. They are too co-dependent. Take all the phones away and go back to feeling the grass. Share on X

When I was growing up in the ‘70s and ‘80s, I didn’t know about the party because I didn’t know about the party. I learned about it on Monday but I wasn’t watching it unfold in real time on social media through Snapchat or Instagram and then having maybe people talk about me when I wasn’t there and all of those things. There’s this, “Am I going to be included?” That’s part of adolescence. That’s part of development, growth and finding yourself.

However, if I had to live my life out loud all the time, I’m so glad that that was not part of my adolescence. We can’t diminish the impact of that on a very malleable undeveloped brain of trying to understand what it all means. We, as adults, I’m sure there are moments you see something on social media as an adult. I’m a 53-year-old woman, and I’m like, “Why wasn’t I invited to that?” I feel disappointed in that. I can be like, “Does it really matter?” Now make me 13 or 14 and I’m watching that.

I think that there is a part of us that always wants to be part of the community included and when I’m not, I question it. I’m comparing myself to what do you look like and what’s your curated life. The comparisons that we’ve always had are so much harder to navigate, and because we’re not always talking about them, kids don’t know how to process it. They don’t know how to say, “That’s not reality. That person’s life isn’t real.”

I think the social media piece, the comparisons piece and the life in real time unfolding in front of us are huge. Sometimes we just have these unrealistic expectations of young people and what they’re supposed to be doing and the way the world is. They are climate afraid. We have not prepared a world for them that’s great and they know it and they’re afraid of it.

We are getting messaging that if you belong to a certain marginalized group, you’re not good enough. If you’re part of a trans community, you’re not allowed to be who you are. How does that impact this young group of people who believe in gender fluidity and sexual fluidity, but no, don’t do that. Everything about them that they’re supposed to be questioning is being questioned by the larger thing. I think that there’s just like no reprieve.

I see that all the time. You made me think, too. I’m on social media a lot for my businesses and half of my audience is students, half of them are parents. The things that I see students, in particular young ladies doing online in terms of comparison is disturbing. I was looking up the book you wrote and thought, “I’ve got to ask Jen about this.”

I’m all over the place.

Empowering Young People & Encouraging Emotional Expression

No, you’re not. You’re touching on some very amazing things. I ask, Jen, you’re talking to an audience of young people right now, and I want to know from your perspective if you’re talking directly to a young lady, let’s say teenager, what advice do you give them around empowerment?

I don’t know if you saw that amazing Dove commercial during the Super Bowl.. It’s just like this delightful three-year-old that she’s running and her legs bring her places and are so empowering, but at fourteen, they’re going to be the things she hates the most. We get that this is why girls drop out of sports. I was teary-eyed in the commercial because I loved it. What’s so disheartening to me is I wrote my book in 2011. We could have the exact same conversation with a few tweaks about what I talk about in my book, because this is what happens with girls and it has happened forever.

It’s hormonal, societal and developmental. There are so many variables. What I really say to young people, and I see a lot of girls in my office where we have these conversations, is what’s the thing you love internally and externally? Internally, what’s the thing about yourself that makes you, you? You have to identify that. Most people will go, “My friends will say,” or, “My parents will say.” No, I don’t want to know any of that. What’s you and how do we water that seed?

“I’m really funny.” “Cool. How do we use that as your superpower?” “I’m a great juggler.” “Awesome. How do we use that as your superpower?” Really slowing down and having some internal exploration of what’s that thing, that light that I will not let anybody snuff out that I will protect at all costs. What’s the external thing that I love? You love Dungeons and Dragons? Cool. Find a Dungeons and Dragons team. You love to play soccer. Okay, great. Can you be part of a soccer club?

There are groups of people for all of us. Being part of the popular crowd looks great, but being part of the popular crowd sucks. There’s so much effort in staying in the popular crowd. Find your people. I think that’s where most young people get stuck. High school movies show high school as so fabulous. I tell most of my clients, “You find your people, like your true people, on your sophomore year in college.”

Your high school people are your people, but many of them are people you’ve known since you were in kindergarten, so they’re your people by default. You go to college, it’s sometimes the first time you’ve had to actually make friends outside of the forced friendships from childhood. Freshman year, you’re trying to figure out who those people are. It’s all new. You might find this crew and they might be great, but sophomore year, when you’re settled, you find your people.

I have had several clients come back to me later and be like, “How did you know that?” I’m like, “I went to college and I lived it.” I just watch what happens. Some of that is really understanding who you want your people to be. I think that’s empowering in and of itself.

I’m really glad you said that last part because I just said to a patient, “In my opinion, your people, number one, treat you like you treat them. Number two, they’re there for you when you need them. Just like you’re there for them.” Kids get that really confused. If you’re around people that you think are your people that aren’t there for you, they’re not really your people.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Dr. Jen Hartstein | Neurodiversity

 

Yet we continue to try and make them our people. We continue to try and be like, “They were nice to me yesterday, so they’ll be nice to me tomorrow.” You shouldn’t have a friendship that’s an every other day friendship. Young people just they think it’s what should be. This is the negotiation of relationships young people have to figure out. The letting go of a friendship at any point of our lives, I don’t care how old we are, is painful and sad and no one wants to feel that. Part of it goes back to this idea of failure. It’s part of life. Not all relationships are lifetime relationships, even when we think they’re going to be. That’s really hard.

I think if you talk to enough young people, you hear those themes. You just hear them over and over again. You also hear what referencing earlier, that hidden world like, “I’m super depressed, but I don’t let people know that.” Especially males. I was talking with a student and we joked about this, but I think there’s some real truth to it. I had said to him, “When was the last time you cried openly in front of people?” He looked at me as though he had never done it. I said, “Just so you know, I asked that same question to a female an hour ago, and she said, ‘Your waiting room.’” there’s that sense of male-female split of how young men are able to embrace that. I’m sure you see that in your space.

Athletes, Mental Health & The Role Of Public Figures

This is why I love AJ Brown. There is some really important stuff happening. I agree that I think we’re getting a shift. We’re getting a shift in the AJ Browns, the Jason Kelsey’s like all of these tough NFL players and basketball players and all that stuff that are coming out and talking about mental health. We can say, “Kevin Love really started a lot of these conversations with basketball and all this stuff.” I think that we’re seeing it’s becoming the norm.

I’ve had some interactions with some former pro athletes and a lot of them are really starting to recognize like, “I need to talk about these things. I need to be open. I need to be sharing my story because I can have an impact on person X, Y, or Z. I can tell these young men.” We know there’s also an even bigger divide when it’s men of color versus not. Men of color have a whole very another level of, “I’m supposed to be strong.” I just want everybody to bow down to AJ Brown and his openness because I think that that is going to be a game changer. I like what he did for the author of that book. Just a game changer. He’s basically being like, “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

It’s funny, I was interviewing Damien Gregory, a colleague of mine who played in the NFL, and Damien nominated AJ. This is before the Super Bowl. I said, “If you get him on my show, I’ll be forever thankful.” I agree. He has opened doors for people, not just men, but it isn’t just around general mental health. I also think it’s around suicide specifically. To me, and I’m sure to you as well as a therapist, the scariest side of mental health for parents and for anyone is that, and yet, who are watching those numbers. Here’s the craziest part. Yes, suicide is the second leading cause of death. Years ago, it was number twelve. I always tell parents like, “It is moving in the wrong direction,” and there’s a reason for that.

By the way, attempts are three times that. We’re talking about these completed suicides. We’re not talking about the fact that you get three attempts to every completed suicide. The greatest predictor of future attempt is past attempt. People attempt multiple times.

I’m with you. It’s such a scary topic. As a therapist, I think we’ve talked about it a lot. It maybe is easier for us to talk about, but I tell parents all the time, please. Certainly, there’s things that are hard to talk about. Sex, puberty, I get all that. This is one of those topics that nobody is immune to. One of the greatest things that I hear Eric say all the time from Same Here is five and five, we are all susceptible. I really believe that. I believe that in all the wrong circumstances, these things come out. Just when you think that guy or that young lady, they’re fine. They’re not. Ask them.

Destigmatizing Therapy & Treating Mental Health Like Physical Health

I think what one of the things that I also appreciate about Eric’s messaging is that mental health and physical health are equally important. We go for yearly physicals. We don’t hesitate. I didn’t feel well last week. I didn’t hesitate to walk into the doctor like. It’s very funny, as a therapist, it’s not like I say to my clients, “When I go to therapy.”

I had a client say to me, “I don’t know anything about you.” I was like, “What do you want to know? Within reason, I’ll answer you.” She was like, “Do you go to therapy?” First she said, “Do you have a mental illness?” I said, “I don’t actually think of things that way.” She goes, “Do you have issues?” I was like, “Doesn’t everybody?” She kept poking the bear and I finally was like, “What do you want to know? Do you want to know if I go to therapy?” She said, “Yes.” I said, “Yeah, I go to therapy.” She was shocked I answered her. I think she was also shocked that I go, “Why not?” I’ve got to practice what I preach. If I’m telling you to go to therapy, I’m going to go to therapy.

I think that surprises people. We always joke like, “Who’s the therapist to the therapist to the therapist?” At what point, does the threat end? Mental health and physical health, we know they play off each other and we know that they’re equal importance. If we are not paying attention to that, we’re really missing the mark.

I think our physical health and our mental health, I’ve really thought this really for my entire adult life. We have two choices. We either take care of them or they take care of us. For young people, it’s unfortunate, but I know young people that don’t go get annual physicals. They don’t go to the dentist, they don’t do this, they don’t do that.

I say it all the time, “If you’ve got things that are troubling you,” and everybody knows what that means, “Go see a therapist.” I’ve done it many times and it’s really helped, simply put. Jen, your breath of fresh air. You’re fun to talk to. I feel like I could talk to you all day and unfortunately, I’m sure we’ve got other things we got to move on to at some point.

That may be true.

Who’s Next? Passing the Torch

Let me ask you one last question. Part of the show is I ask if you’ve got a person, a friend, a relative, a coworker, AJ’s already taken by the way, to nominate. Feel free to throw a name out. I’d love to interview them next.

I’m going to nominate a young woman who I met at an event. Her name is Olivia Healy. She is amazing. A young Gen Z-er who made a short film about her panic attack. Brilliant. Smart. She really wants to open up people’s ability to talk about what anxiety is like, as it has impacted her and as it impacts young people. I am going to suggest that she be involved in this convo because I think she’ll bring some great ideas to the table.

I really appreciate it. I super look forward to connecting with her and get her info from you offline. I appreciate you nominating her. I don’t usually do this, but I’m going to break this one. Please go back when you get a chance and watch Emma Benoit’s interview. I interviewed her. She’s a young lady. She’s actually a suicide survivor.

I interviewed her a couple of shows ago. Unbelievable young lady. Readers, if you haven’t seen it, please go back. Most importantly, I appreciate your time, Jen, really, and this was great. I don’t often have therapists on, so this was really helpful for me to hear your side of things. Things are a little different in Manhattan than they are in Connecticut, so it’s always nice to hear a different view. I didn’t even ask you about the Yankees and the Mets. I won’t even go there.

I’m a Mets girl. Sorry.

You’re a Mets girl. All right. We we’re going to disagree on one thing. That’s all.

That’s okay. Thanks for having me, Mark. I really appreciate it. Thanks for all you’re doing to just have the conversations, it’s so important.

I appreciate it. Have a wonderful rest of your day.

Thanks. You, too.

Thanks.

 

Important Links

 

About Dr. Jen Hartstein

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Dr. Jen Hartstein | NeurodiversityJennifer L. Hartstein, PsyD, is the owner of Hartstein Psychological Services, a group psychotherapy practice in New York City. Dr. Jen works with children, adolescents, and their families with a wide range of psychological diagnoses and specializes in the treatment of high-risk children and adolescents. She has received intensive training in adolescent suicide assessment and has specialized in this population for several years, using a variety of treatment approaches, including Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

Additionally, Dr. Jen is the cofounder of Mental Capital, working with companies large and small to attract, hire and retain neurodiverse employees and staff while helping to create neuroinclusive work environments. Dr. Jen frequently speaks with companies about mental health, stress reduction and how leaders can create healthy work environments for their employees. Dr. Jen is on the executive committee and is a board member for Active Minds, an organization working to decrease the stigma of mental health. She is part of the Practitioner Alliance of We’re All a Little “Crazy,” a global mental health initiative.

Dr. Jen was a self-esteem ambassador for Dove’s Real Beauty campaign and was on the advisory board for MTV’s A Thin Line, which focused on the digital behaviors of today’s young people. Dr. Jen is the author of Princess Recovery: A How-to Guide for Raising Strong, Empowered Girls who Can Create Their Own Happily Ever Afters and is a regular contributor to a variety of media outlet, including, but not limited to NBC News Now, NBC’s The Today Show, Huffington Post, Parents Magazine and more.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Shock | Mental Health

 

Mental health advocacy takes center stage in this compelling episode, where host Marc Lehman welcomes rapper Kenneth Erhahon, better known by his stage name, Shocka, a force within the grime scene and a passionate voice for this crucial cause. When rhythm meets reality, powerful voices emerge, and Shocka’s is one of them. Beyond the beats and rhymes of his music, Shocka shares his deeply personal journey, revealing how his own experiences ignited a mission to advocate for others. This conversation uncovers the raw honesty of Shocka’s artistry, his impactful efforts to raise mental health awareness, and the transformative power of using your voice for change.

Watch the episode here

 

Listen to the podcast here

 

Using Music For Change: A Mental Health Advocacy Journey With Shocka

I’m super excited to welcome in our guest Kenneth Erhahon, better known by his stage name is Shocka. Shocka is a rapper and mental health advocate from London. He gained recognition by being one third of Grime collective Marvell, alongside Double S and Vertex. Yes. After dealing with mental health issues himself, Shocka became a mental health advocate to help those with their own problems with his music. If you haven’t heard his music, look them up. It’s awesome. He has since aimed to raise awareness of mental health issues. Shocka, welcome. How are you?

I’m good. Thank you so much for having me. It’s our honor.

Thank you for being here. I really appreciate it. It’s so tricky. When I do an intro, I feel like I’m telling just a bit about a person, but I know there’s so much more. Tell us a little bit about your background.

There is so much to it. First of all, the name Shocka because everyone always says, “That’s an interesting name. Where did they get that name from?” The name has two meanings. First of all, two positive meanings. The first meaning was because I wanted to shock my friends, my family, and the world in a positive way. I wanted them to look back on my life’s story at the end of it and be like, “He really did something amazing.”

The second meaning is actually an acronym for what Shocka means. Shocka stands for spiritual healer others can know is around them. What does that mean? That means the more I’m open about my story, the more I’m vulnerable. Other people around me can see that and decide to emulate that if it works for them and brings them to their place of healing.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Shock | Mental Health

 

That’s why I do what I do. Healing is actually a big theme of what I do. I was just talking to my manager about this saying like, “Healing has played a major part.” You know about the Marvel characters, right?

Sure.

The X-Men. Wolverine was my favorite character. It’s so crazy that I subconsciously picked him because his power was like he could heal himself whenever he gets injured. It started from there because people used to call me Wolverine because I used to have like long sideburns, which I still have now. I used to have fixed sideburns and people used to name me Wolverine. He has always played like a little theme.

A Transformational Book: You Can Heal Your Life

There’s been a thread throughout my whole life. The name and then when I went through my mental health difficulties, which I’ll get into, the book that actually changed my life was a book from a woman called Louise Hay, which you might have heard of. She’s American. She’s passed on now. I don’t if you know who she is.

I haven’t heard of her, no.

She’s incredible. She’s got a book called You Can Heal Your Life. I discovered that actually changed my whole life around, but a bit into going into my journey. I was in a group with Marvell, as you mentioned in my bio. There was three of us, me, Double S and Vertex. I was the Nigerian one. Another one was Ghanaian and another one was Ugandan.

We formed this group and we just had big dreams to take over the world and just do something positive from where we came from because where we came from is really negative. I’m from a place called Tottenham. I don’t know if you know about football. I don’t know if you watch football, if you’re into it. There’s a team called Tottenham, which is the area I live in. One in the football teams are called Tottenham, but there’s a little place in Tottenham called Broadwater Farm. That’s where I’m from.

That place had two riots. One was in 1986 where police officer’s head got chopped off. That’s how severe the riots was. There’s always been problems between the community and the police. There was another riot in 2012 where someone from my area got shot down by the police. There’s a hostile relationship with the police and my area was so terrible that Princess Diana, I’m sure you know who Princess Diana is. Princess Diana came to my area to make peace, to tell us to relax. That’s how bad my area was.

Now my area’s extremely positive. There’s a guy from my area, I don’t think you know who he is, but he went to number one in the charts and he brought a lot of positive attention to my area. You’ve got people like myself doing really positive things here. Things are changing. Anyway, the group called Marvell, the other two guys in the group, they’re round the corner from me. They’re from Northumberland Park, which is like ten minutes away. We all got together, formed this group called Marvell and we did amazing things.

In 2010, we met Drake really early. We were one of the first artists from the UK to bump into Drake. We literally bumped to him. We met Drake before he became a megastar. I still have the footage of it. When I see Drake, I’m going to show him this footage and hopefully he remembers me because he’s done so much since then. He’ll never forget the first time he came to London. That’s when we saw him.

He came with Rihanna, which was the distracting part because he came with Rihanna. Rihanna’s already a big star. He wasn’t. We forgot about him and focused on Rihanna. We met both of them and it was amazing. We did some incredible things. We toured us some huge acts over here. That was in 2010. This is where it gets interesting.

We brought out our first single on the 10th of the 10th of 2010. We picked that date because we believed that our lives was going to change forever on that day. We’ll look back in twenty years and be like, “That was the day that we became millionaires and changed our family’s lives.” The complete opposite happened. That day came and our song didn’t even do well. It wasn’t even the top 200s of the charts. That’s when I went into depression for the first time. I experienced isolation.

I always say to people, “There’s a difference between isolation and solitude.” Solitude is when you willingly depart from the world and take some time for yourself willingly. Isolation is when you’re forced into hiding where you force yourself into hiding because you can’t face the world or face people. That’s what I went into.

There's a difference between isolation and solitude. Solitude is when you willingly depart from the world and take some time for yourself. Isolation is when you're forced into hiding. Share on X

I went into isolation. I started like hiding from my friends due to the fact that we lost our record deal and our song didn’t do well. I was talking to a lot of artists now and I realized a lot of artists has been through that similar situation of having problems with their record. It’s a common thing. Even Liam Payne from One Direction that passed away. The news broke out that he was having problems with his record label just before. It is a common thing. I went into deep depression. We got signed in 2010. The song came out 10/10/10 then we lost our record in 2011. I went into a mental health hospital for the first time in 2012.

That’s when everything really changed because now, I’ve been introduced to a world that I knew nothing about. I used to just hear about this world. I don’t know what they call it in America, but in the area that I’m from, they call it like, “He’s gone crazy. He’s lost his mind. He’s a cycle.” You know the words that they throw around. I had to deal with that thing, that big mistake when I came out of hospital the first time. I feel like just sweep it under the rug and pretend like nothing had happened, which is wrong. I was meant to speak and verbalize it and get help. As you can imagine, the stigma was so fake. I came from a family that wasn’t educated on mental health. Even they was advising me not to tell no one.

That’s what we’ve been used to. That’s the programming throughout all of these centuries and centuries, don’t speak about it. That’s what I did. What happened was when I came out hospital in 2012, the group that I was in, Marvell, we got some investment from someone and they moved us out of our area. This is where the problem came.

Every Christmas, we will come back to the area to see our family, to spend Christmas with our family. Christmas time, I had to come back to this house where I had the breakdown and other mental health issues. That trauma will resurface. I end up getting sectioned again and putting a mental health hospital again for the second time. It used to be every two years. Every two years I would relapse and end up in hospital.

From 2012 to 2014, two years later, in 2016, I went to the hospital again. This time is where everything changed for me. The doctor said to me before he discharged me, “You’ve been sectioned,” because that’s what it’s called, sectioning. I don’t know what they call it in America when you get put in mental health hospital. In the UK you’re, it’s called being sectioned. They’re allowed to keep you there for 21 days.

The third time I got sectioned, the doctor said something just before he discharged me. He said, You’ve been sectioned three times. You’re 27 years old. You need to figure something out because you don’t want to keep coming in and out hospital for the rest of your life.” When he said that to me, it’s like a light bulb just went off in my head like, “You’re right.”

It reminds me being 50 or 60 and I’m still being sectioned. That’s when I discovered the book. That’s when I found the book. Whatsapp stories was just being introduced. I didn’t want to use whatsapp stories because I felt like there was copying. Instagram, I avoided it for so long. When I came out hospital, I started checking people’s stories and a girl had this book on her story from Louise Hay and I mentioned it to her. I said, “Ashley, is that a good book?” She said yes. I bought the book and it completely changed my life. I’m not really an avid reader, I’m more a visual person. Stuff like this is perfect. What I did after I read the book, I tagged her name into youtube to see if she’s got any videos that I could watch.

She had tons of videos. I studied all of them. What changed my life was she spoke about self-love in a way that I never heard of before. She said self-love is not about bubble bath and massages and getting your toes and your nails done. She said self-love is about how you speak to yourself, your internal dialogue. She said, ‘If you could get that conversation right, everything will change. You’ll know it will change because your reality will begin to reflect back to you, the conversation you’re having in your mind.” She was completely right.

“Self-love is not about bubble baths, massages, and getting your toes and nails done. Self-love is about how you speak to yourself.” Share on X

As soon as I got in that conversation right, everything started to change. I did my first sold out show in 2017. In 2018, I made a song called Self Love based on everything she taught me. That song ended up getting signed. Snoop Dogg posted that song on his Instagram. Snoop Dogg has 26 million followers. It was worldwide. In 2019, I got offered to do a TED Talk.

I’ve seen it.

I did the TED Talk 2019 and then I did two shows in New York. I actually came back to America, did two shows. At the end of the year, in 2020, we all know what happened. COVID. We had to go into lockdown. I was pissed off because I started getting trauma about what happened with my group. We were just at the door and then we started record deal. Now I’m at the door again and COVID has come. I’m getting trauma and then my life’s about to change even more.

Losing His Mother & Coping With Grief

My mom comes home one day and tells me she’s just come from the hospital and they said she’s got cancer. She’s got a year to live. It devastated me. I’m my only child. I grew up with my mom my whole life. As you can see, there are pictures of my mom on the wall. I don’t know if you can see that there. I’m in the same house that she told me the news. She had a year to live so we had to fly away to Nigeria to see our family because she has to say her goodbyes to the family, which was devastating.

In 2022, she passed away on the 2nd of February. I had my headline show on the 27th of February. I had my mom’s funeral on the 8th of February, like a week later. Everything was just happening so fast. I ended up being back in hospital again. After all of that pressure, I ended up relapsing going back in hospital again after six years. Remember, I said it was every two years. I broke that two-year curse and it was six years. Don’t forget now, in between that six years, I’m a full on mental health advocate now because I did TED Talks and talks in school. I knew exactly what to do when I’m at hospital.

I had my phone with me this time for the first time. My auntie gave me my phone because all the other times I’ve been sectioned, my mom never gave me my phone because she wouldn’t want me to talk to every anyone because Nigerians are extremely private. This time when I got sectioned, because my mom had passed away, my auntie didn’t really know what my mom does, so she gave me my phone on a visit.

When I got back to my room, I remember looking at my phone thinking, “What am I going to do with this?” Everything just came to me. It was like, “Take videos while you’re here. Show people what it’s like,” because people don’t know what it’s like in there, what it even looks like. I took pictures, I took videos. That’s where I got the idea for my book, A Section of My Life. That’s where I wrote most of it.

When I came out of hospital, I ended up getting a book deal. Everything’s just been amazing since then. I got the book deal. The book came out. I performed at a place called the National Gallery. I don’t know if you’ve heard of it, but it’s a place called the National Gallery over here. I’m the first artist to ever perform there. That place is older than me and you. I did a documentary with ITV. There’s a big channel called ITV over here. I did a documentary that I was screened on that channel. It’s just been amazing ever since. That’s my story in a nutshell. I hope I didn’t take up too much time.

Generational Divide: Perceptions On Mental Health

Shocka, you could take up all the time you want, number one. Number two, I thank you so much for being open and sharing all of that. I know my readers. Something in that will resonate with them. I’m listening and I’m thinking a few things. Number one, I want to talk a little bit about how mental health is in London and how it compares to say the United States. There are some differences. Certainly, I want to talk to you more about your shift that you made, it sounds like since this last hospitalization and even a little before, to become advocate. I think that there’s clearly something in you that wants to heal and help others.

Let’s talk a little bit about the comparison because I think that out here in the States, I would describe mental health as an epidemic with young adults in particular. The anxiety and depression levels, eating disorders, substances, ADHD, etc., are just skyrocketing. The suicide rate is higher than it’s ever been. Yet at the same time, there’s more and more discussion about mental health I would say compared to years ago.

It’s way more open. I’m constantly amazed when I talk to young people how comfortable some people are talking to each other about it. It’s a journey. It’s a process to help people understand that there is definitely healing that takes place when you open yourself up and recognize that what you are going through, a lot of other people are too. Does that make sense?

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Shock | Mental Health

 

Yes, definitely. What I want to say is that mental health has always been there. What has happened was my parents’ generation, so the older generation, they didn’t deal with it. They didn’t deal with it not because they didn’t want to, but they didn’t have the luxury to deal with it. Their life was so fast paced. My mom came to the UK at such a young age and had me at a young age. I haven’t even had my first kid yet. By this age, my mom had had me and I had a full-on life. They didn’t have time. When people would die in her time, they would just get on with it. They would mourn for like a day and then just go back to work and get on with it.

I remember when my mom first got her cancer diagnosis, she worked for like a week or two until we told her like, “No, you need to forget work and deal with this at hand.” That generation was so used to just like sweeping it under the rug. What’s happened with this generation is that now we’ve got the luxury to actually look at things. We’ve got a lot of time to talk to each other and do podcasts. That generation couldn’t do podcast. Sitting down and talking at a podcast?

There’s racism. They’re trying to kill us. That generation was the it is what it is generation. It is what it is. Just continue. This generation is just keep moving forward. That was it is what it is generation and this generation is the let’s finally deal with it and put us up to a generation. If this generation doesn’t deal with it, what we’re going to do is we’re going to lay out enough blueprints and enough information for the next generation to have all the tools they need.

That’s a great segue. I want to ask you about that because I think that my audience, some of them are going through their own journey and those that maybe aren’t have people around them that are, and you just talked about your journey. Let’s talk about where music fits into that, the healing side of your lyrics and your performances and your music. Talk to us about that.

Using Music As Therapy & Finding Purpose In Lyrics

As you can see me nodding my head, music played a major part because I’ve never gone to therapy and people are so surprised. They’re like, “You’ve been sectioned four times and you’ve never seen a therapist?” I’ve done similar things to therapy but not actual full on therapy because my music has served as therapy for me.

My music was so deep at a point that I forgot it was music. My friends started telling me like, “You’ve got to start putting choruses and picking nice beats because it still is music because it isn’t becoming full under depressing.” That’s how much I use it as a tool for healing. Now I’ve got the perfect balance. Now I’ve got a perfect balance of having a beautiful message using it as therapy and still something that you can listen to and vibe to. It took years to get to that balance.

Before, I used to just dump. I don’t know if you’ve listened to my albums, but the first one I have was called Vent. I’m on vent four right now. The event started by me just venting. That’s what vents are about. If you listen to every vent, it’s a reflection of where I am in my life. My last vent is me speaking about my mom’s cancer because that’s what was going on.

This vent, vent four, that’s on this new album, Vulnerability Is The New Cool, I’m talking about the money I’m making and what life is like. I’m talking about Palestine. It’s always a reflection of the time. I look forward to my next vent five whenever I do it. I’m so happy I’ve got something like that. Having something like that is important. Even if you don’t have a recorded vent version like what I’ve got, you should have a diary vent version. Every month, vent out.

You read my mind. I talk to a lot of young people about journaling and some of your lyrics remind me of journal entries.

They are, definitely.

By the way, you’re a fantastic songwriter. I’ve listened to a lot of your music. You’re an excellent songwriter. I think there’s so much passion in your words. I listen to a lot of different music and I feel like as a listener, sometimes you can feel the passion and sometimes you can’t. Do you know what I mean?

Definitely.

It sounds like you’ve gotten a lot of therapeutic value out of songwriting and, as you said, venting.

Yeah, definitely venting is extremely important. There’s one thing about seeing your words in a paper, then there’s another thing about hearing your voice, saying what’s in your mind out loud for the world to hear it. That’s what I love. I love like certain things that’s bothering me in my head and then recording it and then listening to it and then dissecting it and realizing that it wasn’t even that big of an issue. Our biggest fear is that if we say it to someone, how are they going to respond? In most cases, they respond in a way that you generally not thinking they’re going to respond.

That’s right. In our head, it feels bigger, right?

The Power Of Vulnerability & Encouraging Open Conversations

Yeah, it feels bigger. That’s why I made Vulnerability Is The New Cool because like Jay-Z’s got an amazing saying that he says you can’t heal what you don’t reveal. It’s true. If you don’t heal it, you can’t reveal it. It’s like if I can make vulnerability cool, it can give people more of an initiative or incentive to want to reveal and realize that there’s nothing really there when they reveal it. What they’re afraid of is not really that scary when they reveal it.

There’s so many ways to be vulnerable. I always list five ways. You’ve got the spirituality where being vulnerable, where you can talk to your creator in the place of your comfort. You’ve got therapy, which we all know about. We’ve got venting to our friends or our partner. If you’ve got a wife or a husband or best friend, you’ve got that way. You’ve got journaling. You’ve got your art like drawing. I can see paintings behind you. That was obviously therapy for that person. You’ve got the way that I use, which is recording. There’s so many different ways. People think there’s only one way which is talking to a person. That’s actually the hardest way.

That’s the most difficult. That’s the last option I’ll pick out of the six. There are so many other ways, but the whole point of it is getting it out of you. You can burn it. That’s another way. You can put it on a paper and burn it. You just have to get it out your system and just see it. The problem is it lives inside of us. I think the longer it stays inside you, the more chances it can turn into poison and start to poison you, the more you keep it inside you. When you keep it out, when you get out of you, you can look at it and you can play with it.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Shock | Mental Health

 

What’s fascinating, Shocka, is so much of your music, the stuff you write about when you do get it out and you do put it in song resonates. At least I found listening to it, I can understand those things because either I’ve experienced it or know people that have. I definitely think that’s one thing that music does. It really brings us together more because when it’s up here, it’s only in our head we feel like we’re the only one experiencing it.

Some people’s voices have healing components, genuinely.

I’ve been told mine does not.

There are certain voices that need to be spreading across the world. It’s actually good for humanity. There are certain voices that you need. There was a woman over here called Jenny Francis. She used to be on late nights. There’s a radio station called Capital Xtra and Jenny Francis. It’s called Capital Xtra now, but it used to be called Choice FM. Jenny Francis used to be late night at Choice FM. She made a name because we all know her for how soothing her voice was on late night.

Everyone remembers Jenny Francis’ late night show. There are certain people that have gifts like that, their voices are just healing. It’s meant to be spreading across the world. I feel like if you’ve got that voice, you should use it. You should do voiceovers. You should talk to people more. You should become a motivational speaker if your voice is healing. There are certain people that they just talk to you and it just lights up your day.

The Influence Of Social Media & Mental Health In Young People

You’ve been so passionate about the topic of mental health. I think you’ve figured out, and many artists have now, that when you speak, people are listening, you know.. People admire artists. People admire people in the entertainment industry. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen video clips or been at concerts myself and the musician stops for a moment and lets people know that it’s okay. Shocka, let me ask you this. In the States, the scene with young people is in terms of statistics is moving in the wrong direction. Anxiety and depression is up. I’m assuming that’s the case. Where you’re from as well?

That’s the exact case.

Let me ask you, because I think everyone has an opinion on this, why do you think that is?

I think it’s social media. It’s something we’ve never had before throughout history. No one could have given us advice on what to do. This is unique to our time. We’ve never had Instagram like this. Like we’re dealing with a new problem. They’ve got to give us time to figure it out. We’re going to have problems. There’s going to be deaths. Unfortunately, there’s going to be anxiety, depression, suicides and there’s going to be all this stuff. We have to figure this out. Unfortunately, some people are going to be casualties until we figure this out. It’s not always going to be like this. It will come down when we start to really figure out and get a hold of it. Right now, it’s the Wild, Wild West. It’s new to all of us.

We’ve never had like our follow accounts. People with 1 million followers, getting 1 million likes. Going viral., you can trip over in the street and next thing you know, you’re on to news. Everyone’s talking about it. Imagine how that person feels like. Imagine how Will Smith must have felt like seeing a mistake he made with the slapping. It’s everywhere. You’ve been healing in public. It’s a new territory that we’re in, so we’re dealing with it

I really feel like there’s a positive edge to it and a negative edge to it. As you said, we’re still trying to manage the negative edge.

If it’s a lot to deal with for adults, imagine for kids. When I was in school, we didn’t even have phones in classrooms. It’s a whole different world we’re living in.

They’re plugged in all the time. The term influencers is used a lot in the States and there are positive influencers and there are negative influencers. To your point, when I was a kid, we were exposed to certain things on the news or the TV. Now kids are exposed to like, you know Yes.

Information is important, especially positive ones because they’re the ones that’s going to bring the control back because where else are the kids going to get the information from and how to deal with all of this? Kids aren’t really listening to their parents, which is sad, but it’s the truth. These influencers have more power than some of the parents of these kids. We’ve just got to make sure that our kids are listening to the right influencers. It’s so important because what put me on this path is that I had the right reference points. I don’t know if I can show you this, but on my shoulder I have a Bob Marley tattoo. Can you see that?

Yeah, sure.

I see that every morning and it always slaps me into gear of the positive impact he had on the world and like the messages he put in his songs and the life he led. It’s like your reference points and your influencers are so important. They just put you in line. Whenever I do something that’s distasteful, dishonorable, obviously he wouldn’t care, but it’s just a thought of would he do something like this? It’s just a respected act. It snaps me back in line. Pick the right reference points because 95% of the time, you do become your reference points as well. You actually turn into them. If you’re listening to them every day and study it, you’re going to become them. Pick the right ones.

I admire his career and everything he stood for and all of the influence he had certainly down in Jamaica and around the world. Certainly, I say to you, Shocka, you are an influencer. You are a person who is creating a full effect with your lyrics and your message. Keep doing what you’re doing. We appreciate it. I appreciate it. I just want to let you know that. Thank you.

You’re welcome.

Passing The Torch: Who Shocka Recommends For The Next Interview

I want to put you on the spot for just a sec. Part of what I do in the show is I ask that people nominate a friend, a coworker, a relative, because I want the conversation to keep forward. Do you have any in your world who you think would be helpful for me to interview next?

I do. There’s a guy called Ben West. He’s a mental health advocate too. Give him a DM or message me afterwards. I’ll send you his Instagram. The same way you reached out to me. Hopefully he sees it. If he can’t get Ben West, there’s a guy called Hussein Manuel. He’s amazing too. He’s a poet. He’s amazing. He’s got mental health books. He’s amazing. He helped me out a lot. I’ll send, so hopefully we keep the conversation going forward.

Thank you. Let me give you a little bit of space for a minute and tell our readers about your new album.

Shocka’s Upcoming Album

My album is Vulnerability Is The New Cool. If you haven’t heard that album, please listen to it. It’s an album that could heal you. You’re going to hear topics that you’ve never heard rappers talk about before. I’m speaking about them as such a beautiful way. Please listen to it. Reach out to me on Instagram. As you can see, I’m very accessible. I try to get back to all my messages. The day I don’t get back to my messages means that I’m a full-on superstar and that is too late. Before that time comes, I’m trying to hang on to what I’ve got left. I’m trying to respond back to everybody. Yeah, let me know your feedback on the album and we can talk about it.

You’re a grounded, honest and open human being, Shocka, and for that, I appreciate it. I, too, tell everybody to take a listen. I’ve listened to your new album. I think it’s great. Thank you for your time and your energy. I really appreciate you being so open and honest with everybody.

Let’s do it again.

I would love to. Shocka, have a great day. We’ll talk soon.

Pleasure.

Thank you.

 

Important Links

 

About Kenneth Erhahon (Shocka)

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Shock | Mental HealthKenneth Erhahon better known by his stage name Shocka, is a rapper and mental health advocate from London.

He gained recognition for being one/third of Grime collective Marvell alongside Double S and Vertex.

After dealing with mental health issues himself, Shocka became a Mental health advocate to help those with their own problems with his music.

He has since aimed to raise awareness of mental issues ….

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Rebecca Lobo | Mental Resilience

 

Mental resilience is crucial for navigating the challenges of any high-pressure environment. In this inspiring episode, host Marc Lehman welcomes basketball icon Rebecca Lobo to discuss its pivotal role, particularly within the world of athletics. Rebecca, known for her standout career at the University of Connecticut and as one of the WNBA’s original stars, shares her insights on navigating the challenges of competitive sports and the importance of prioritizing well-being. This conversation delves into the pressures faced by athletes and explores strategies for building mental resilience to achieve success both on and off the court.

Watch the episode here

 

Listen to the podcast here

 

Basketball Icon On Mental Resilience And Well-Being With Rebecca Lobo

Welcome to the show. I am so excited to have  Rebecca Lobo here. Rebecca, how are you?

I’m good. Thank you.

Rebecca is a basketball icon, a broadcaster, and an advocate for mental wellness. She was a standout at the University of Connecticut. She led the Huskies to their first national championship back in ‘95 and was named the NCAA’s Final Four most outstanding player. She went on to play professionally in the WNBA, becoming one of the league’s original stars with the New York Liberty.

Following her playing career, Rebecca transitioned into broadcasting, becoming a respected analyst for ESPN, where she provides insightful commentary on women’s college and professional basketball. Beyond sports, she’s been a vocal advocate for education, wellness, and the power of perseverance. She joins the show to discuss mental resilience, the pressures of high-level athletics, and the importance of prioritizing well-being. Welcome. How are things?

Things are good. It’s funny as you read some of my bio, and I think about a text that I got maybe a week and a half ago from one of my daughter’s college-aged friends. I was, “Mrs. Rush, and I’m hanging out with some friends, and your name came up, and I told them to be a family. One of my buddies said, I didn’t know she was still alive.” I am still alive. I am at the point where my oldest kids who are in college have college-age friends who know how to just jab one right in.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Rebecca Lobo | Mental Resilience

 

Makes us feel old. Look, we’re wise.

That’s right.

The Changing Landscape Of College Athletics

That’s got a lot of experience. I’m reading through that and I’m thinking, “Much has changed.” Landscape, certainly in college for these kids. Back when we were in school, it just felt less intense, less stressful, and certainly, from the athletic perspective, less intense and less stressful. I guess I just wanted to ask because you’re around now a lot of the players and you see and talk to and hear a lot of what they endure. I guess I just wanted you to compare out loud for us. What do you see?

What’s so crazy is when I was in college, if I wanted to seek out something that had been written about me, I had to go and find the Hartford Courant and purchase it and see what somebody may have said about our game the day before. At least, and I still feel this in life, people don’t generally come up and say to your face something, but they’re completely okay doing it on social media.

People are more likely to say mean things on social media than to your face. Share on X

I think that’s the thing that has changed so much, other than maybe occasional heckling on a road trip somewhere in a road arena. I don’t even think that happened in those days. You never really had negative stuff as an athlete in your face about you. It is your coach’s job to point out all of your shortcomings, but not the noise from the outside. That’s the thing that has changed so completely.

You hear a lot of athletes talk now, professional level, college level, to prove people wrong. I’m like, “Who are those people?” They’re the ones actually who don’t matter. They’re the social media. People on social media saying negative things. I don’t think people of my era came up trying to prove others wrong because those others weren’t really in your world. Maybe you got cut from a team, and you were trying to improve yourself and that thing, but you didn’t have that constant narrative of proving people wrong.

Just like a mirror being held up to you all the time. As you said, so many individuals, quite frankly, being negative.

It’s mean.

It really is.

We’re in my world of women’s basketball. It really got pushed to the forefront over the course of the past year with the phenomenon that is Caitlin Clark and the rivalry or whatever that she had with Angel Reese and, like, online, at least the toxicity that now follows, especially the WNBA, and studies have been done. It is the most negative place as people talking about these women’s basketball players. It’s really a scary place to be, especially for some of the younger women who are finding themselves immersed in that world.

It occurred to me recently, I was interviewing a lacrosse coach from IMG Academy down in Florida, and of course, high school level. She was talking about how they feed so many kids into college. I thought, “I wonder how much of this they’re prepared for. Like how much discussion occurs on the high school level. Like here’s what college athletics have become.” I feel like in many cases, kids are surprised, not in a good way. They’re given that opportunity to say, “Wouldn’t it be nice if that didn’t happen?” You go to college, and it does happen. It’s like, that takes, I think, an internally strong individual to be able to tolerate all of that.

That’s interesting to me, and maybe it’s the difference in someone my age versus. This is your area, younger kids is, again, I hear professional athletes talk about it, WNBA, whatever, about some of the real strong negativity that is on their social media feed. You never hear any of them considering stopping going on their social media. I understand especially a big part of that for college athletes and NIL is they’re compensated based on how much they post and that thing. What if you don’t look at your at replies? That’s not a world in which they’re willing to live. It’s almost like there’s all of the negativity exists there, but I’m still going to take a peek.

That’s the thing. I have colleagues and I who have like, “We’re off of X. We’re never looking at mentions again on X.” We might go in post something, but letting negativity be dropped at our doorstep. That months ago, something was sent to me on Twitter, and I read it to my husband, and he’s like, “Rebecca, would you allow that person into your living room?” I said, “No.” He said, “Why are you allowing them into your living room?” It was perfect. I was like, “I’m off, I’m done.” Younger people cannot, for whatever reason, avoid going to those sources and almost in some ways, seeking out feedback from people that don’t even matter in their lives.

The Mental Strength of Elite Athletes & Overcoming Setbacks

It is really interesting. I remember last year with Camp Spencer at UConn, he refused to be on social media. That became part of the interview every time someone approached the guy. It’s like, “Good for him.” He’s figured out like, I don’t need this. My life’s less complicated with it. I wish more kids would do that because I think, in all honesty, it would simplify things. Maybe that’s a good segue to talk about internal anxieties, because I think not only are athletes nowadays facing social media pressures, but they’re facing just general pressure. Here’s a huge question, but I’m curious about your thoughts. How would you say a star athlete in college these days is different from a star athlete in college when you were there?

I think the core of what they are is probably the same. There certainly was zero conversation about mental health when I was coming up. There were times in my career where I tore my knee a couple of times early on in my professional career. In hindsight, I was probably dipping into some areas of, I wouldn’t say depression, but just feeling really cruddy and not easily being able to crawl out of that. I didn’t know it because people weren’t talking about those. I do think that there’s a lot more attention given to athletes’ mental health now.

The conversation around it is good, obviously, but I also think some of the highest-level athletes are the ones who can focus and bust through all of the nonsense. As the pressure gets heavier, they still look unbothered and perform in that way. Not that there’s anything wrong with those who are going through the peaks and valleys, but I think you still find the tippy top of the athletes who have this incredible mental strength wherever it comes from, whether they’re born with it or they’ve trained it where they have a great ability to block out all of the noise and all of the tough times that they’re facing in that moment.

You had mentioned before we got on Diana and so many other great women that have come through the UConn program over the years. I got to imagine there are expectations. The next big player that comes through, everybody’s expecting that person to score X number of points and win X number of games. Sometimes it happens, and sometimes it doesn’t. I think in athletics, as I always say to my students that I work with, you’re bringing your brain with you on the court, on the field.

You’re either going to rise to the occasion, and your production is going to go up, or you’re going to have a hard time, and your production is going to go down. As a simple fan, I always felt for a basketball player, certainly in the waning moments of the game, when there’s a fall call, then you’re on the line. It’s like, “Rebecca, you’re going to either sink these or you’re not.” You’re smiling.

You’re going to sink.

You’ve been there. That’s right. It’s going to go one way or the other. The whole place is going to either cheer you on or come down on you. To me, it’s like, I don’t ever remember that amount of pressure when I was that age in college. I think college athletics has definitely taken off. As you said with the NILs, it’s next level now where there’s a lot of finances involved and good for athletes in my opinion that that’s happening, but does equate to a lot of pressure.

The UConn Program & Building Mental Toughness In Athletes

For sure. One of the things though, like Coach Auriemma, a lot of great players have come out of UConn, one of the best programs in the history of all women’s college basketball of all of sports. There’s no coincidence. People will say he gets some of the best players. Yes, but he also forges the best players and the strongest bodies and minds.

One of the ways he does that is put his players in sometimes impossible positions in practice, especially when they’re physically fatigued, because that’s when you start making poor decisions. Year after year after year, he would do that, and it’s hard on athletes. There are plenty of times I left practice, went back, and was crying and just feeling like I’d underperformed. Why is he yelling at me? Why is he so hard on me? I know there are a lot of athletes who have felt that way as well.

All of us, later on in our college career playing for him and then afterwards, just have a different level of mental fortitude that helps us get through the hard things in life. What’s interesting is the delicate balance of it for him because as a coach, you have to be demanding, and you have to expect really hard things from your players. You have to put them in situations where it’s hard physically, where it’s hard mentally, where it’s hard emotionally, so that you can help them become stronger in those moments. At the same time, do it in a way where it’s not any mental or emotional abuse.

That’s the wizardry of him.

Yes, 100%. It’s the fine line that he has been able to walk almost impeccably for the course of the last 40 years.

Just amazing. For those individuals that follow Yukon, it’s amazing how long that’s gone on for the length of time and the success that they’ve had. Rebecca, let’s do this. Let’s take off the athlete hat and put on the mom hat for a sec. You’ve got kids in college. You’ve got kids in high school. You’re around athletes often. You’re around, I’m sure, your kids’ friends often. These days, it’s hard being in high school. It’s hard being a young adult. I think it’s hard being in college. I guess I’m curious your viewpoint on, like, where do you see the large amount of stresses coming from for young people?

Parenting & The Role Of Pressure In Youth Sports

From their parents, of course.

We get the blame.

The expectations and plenty of people said that, but they have said this, but like the ones who ruin youth sports are the parents. It’s not the kids. Kids are out there. They’re trying to have fun and whatever the weight of expectation is from the sideline or the yelling at the referees or the yelling at the coaches. Oftentimes, you don’t often see kids, whether they’re youth sports all the way through high school or college, say yell at the coach or yell at the referee, their behavior tends to be good.

It’s the parents who’s not. I think you always have to take your kids’ lead. My oldest daughter, who’s a junior in college now, played basketball her freshman year in high school, got to tryouts for sophomore year, and a couple nights going to her room and she was just upset. She said, “I’m not enjoying this. I don’t want to do this.” I was shocked by that. It was a hard thing for me to say because I loved watching her play basketball.

It's often the parents, not the kids, causing problems in youth sports. You have to take your kid’s lead. Share on X

I thought she was 6 foot 3 inches and long and had all of this potential. I was like, “Don’t play basketball.” I think sometimes, for parents, it’s about us. I’m going to miss watching her play. That was a decision. I remember at the time thinking, “She’s going to regret this.” Mark, she has not regretted that decision for one second in her life. Probably, she had made it a year earlier, but that can be hard for us because we see the time that they put in when their kids to different sports, and we might see a potential there for something in the future.

She made it clear. She’s like, “I don’t want to play sports in college.” When she had told me that, I was like, it opened up a whole new world to me because I had never considered the possibility that there is a kid on earth who wouldn’t want to play sports in college because I want it so badly. Like, “What?” That’s informed how at least we parented her younger three siblings, too. It’s like always asking them, “Are you still having fun?”

Ultimately, this isn’t the means to an end. This is the end. Let’s enjoy the sport that we’re playing in the moment that we’re playing it without any expectation that it’s going to be something else in the future. Sometimes, for parents, it’s a really hard place to find yourself and to settle into. We still have to remind ourselves of that frequently, but it is the truth. Let them enjoy the moment as a parent enjoys the moment and not project what this is going to mean for them in terms of an athletic career down the road.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Rebecca Lobo | Mental Resilience

 

Well said. Great example. I can see. I can imagine that being really a challenge for you. I remember when my son who played baseball the way through stopped and it’s like, “We’re shifting.” I was coaching for a bit. I get it. It’s such a great time to spend. You cherish those memories, but they end. I love what you said, and I think it’s very true. Many parents, unfortunately, equate that path to happiness, like eventual happiness. When you ask your kid, “Are you happy?” You almost ignore their answer. If she looks at you or my son looks at me and says, “I’m not happy,” it’s our job to pivot and help them find other things.

Yes, as their parent, we have to think, is this a decision that they’re going to regret in the future? We also have to, if they tell us, “No, it’s not,” we have to listen and believe them. My whole thing, as long as everything you’re doing, you’re working hard in, and as long as you’re doing the right things as a person and as a student, whatever, I also have to trust that you’re doing the right things. Making this particular decision might be breaking my heart.

The Competitive College Admissions Process & Its Effects On Students

Look, just to shed some light. We live in a very competitive world. When we were at UConn, the amount of applications they would get annually was 15 or 18,000 applications. They were at 58,000 applications this past year. That’s the world we live in where there’s just so much more competition, which makes it even harder for kids to even get into a college or a university. I think that that’s a delicate balance with a parent of like pushing your kid but pushing them in a way that we know that they’re enjoying and there’s some happiness involved.

One of the interesting things with the college application process, when our kids were maybe early on in their high school career, our oldest, and we asked a friend, “Where have your daughters applied to school?” They immediately said, “We’re not telling anyone where our kids have applied because it’s gotten so competitive. Their friends are always asking, “Where did you apply? Did you get in here?” The parents are asking these things too. I remember thinking, “Really? That’s a thing.”

We tried with our kids, like, their tour in college and have very different interests and where they wanted to go, “Which schools are you interested in?” It wasn’t like Ivy League or bust like, where are you going to be happy? Part of that, I think, is informed by my own experience. I could have gone and played basketball at Stanford or Notre Dame or Virginia or whatever. My parents, as teachers and educators in Connecticut, didn’t want me going to UConn.

UConn’s a safety school. Why would you turn down an opportunity to go to an elite academic institution? I know I got an incredible education. I trust that my kids are going to get out of it, whatever they put into it, wherever they end up going, as long as those reasons aren’t, “Maybe I’ll be able to make this team or that team.” No, go to the school that’s going to be the best fit for you. I have to trust that you are going to get a great education out of it.

I was shocked when those parents said it has become such a high-pressure environment for kids applying to schools. Tons of pressure coming from their classmates, tons of pressure coming from other people’s parents, or maybe it’s their own parents, I don’t know. I certainly didn’t want that to become the narrative for my kids when they were trying to decide where they wanted to spend the first four years out of our home.

Good for you for being aware of it. I think there’s a degree as parents that we can control, and there’s clearly part outside of us in terms of social media world we cannot control. To our point from earlier, kids can make those decisions to say, “I’m going to take a three-month hiatus from all social media because that’s just going to be pressure.” I’m going to hear about all of the early decisions and all the kids going doing this and all the kids doing that.

I may be that kid who hasn’t heard back from my colleges. I see that as a therapist every year, which is a tough place, I think, for a young kid to be. We, as parents, we catch the brunt of some of the reasons why kids have lots of anxiety. Let me ask you this. Kids on campus, again, I feel like that environment has changed in some ways dramatically. There’s an intensity, I think, to classes and grades and whatever’s next.

I laugh sometimes that my daughter, who’s finished school, was a freshman. She was a freshman, Rebecca, in her first semester of college. She had a professor come in, and they were talking about grad school. I was like, “You’ve got to be kidding me.” As a freshman, I’m learning at a time like she was like, this kid is just come on, like, just give him a chance. That’s always the mentality of what’s next versus, like, let’s enjoy what’s right in front of us. I’m curious about your thoughts on this because, as a therapist, I see the statistics, unfortunately, moving in all of the wrong directions. The suicide rate is up, which is terrifying to everybody.

Second leading cause of death in this age bracket. Ten years ago, is number twelve, just to give you a reference. Anxiety is way up. Certainly, since COVID, both anxiety and depression are statistically way up. Now, really the majority of kids in college environments are suffering with something. They’ve got something going on. I guess I’m curious, like in the world of parenting, like we’re offsite in some ways at that point. We’re home, they’re at school. What are some of the things kids are dealing with that might be contributing to that at school from your point of view?

How Parents Can Support Their Kids’ Mental Health

I don’t know. I would imagine, and there’s probably plenty of documentation about the effects of social media on all of this. It always blew me away. Our kids, they got their phones once they graduated eighth grade because there was really no time before that that they needed a phone. We were driving them everywhere. their coaches always communicated to the parents.

It wasn’t through the kids. I was always surprised at how few of my kids’ friends were in the same boat. Our kids knew the rule. Once they got the phone, responsibility, meet friends the old fashioned way at high school, then you can get some social media. Hopefully, that was an appropriate timeframe and plan for them. I can only speak to the experience of my own kids. I know that, like my children, who might have some anxiety, we’re born with it.

They come by honestly because I’ve got children who have it, and I have children who don’t. It’s hard sometimes as a parent because I’m not an anxious person. I’ve never been a super anxious person. I’ve even had conversations with one of my kids where she’s worked up and talking to me about things. My response is, you cannot worry about things that might not happen. She’ll say to me, “Mom, that’s the definition of anxiety.”

Yeah, it is.

I’m like, “How can I be a better mother to you? I’m here to listen to you.” There any strategies I can help with, like this is one in college? How can I help you? I cannot. This isn’t part of my fabric. What can I do to help you with this? I didn’t grow up an anxious kid. It’s hard to relate. It’s hard to know what contributes to things, those anxieties.

It’s very much a helpless feeling as a parent because when your kid comes to you and they’re sick, you’re like, “I’ve got this medicine for you. That’s sore. Let me look at it. I think I can diagnose that.” When they come to you with something like this, it’s the worst helpless feeling in the world as a parent because you’re like, what do I do? All I want to be able to do is help my child get through this moment or moments. You feel so helpless with it. Thankfully, we have people like you who can share their advice with the world.

When kids come to you with anxiety issues, it's the worst helpless feeling in the world as a parent because you don’t know what to do. Share on X

I’m thankful that you went through that example because, honestly, I think a lot of parents are in those shoes. I do. I think a lot of parents come at this from either the perspective that they have no history of anxiety or depression. If they did, it wasn’t called that when we were kids. It wasn’t labeled, it wasn’t diagnosed, it wasn’t even treated.

Much of this, I think, for the parents that are out there nowadays, it’s the next generation. Kids, thankfully, are getting help some, which is great. It leads me into the topic of wellness because I think wellness is one of those areas that means lots of different things to lots of different people. Wellness includes ways to reduce stress and reduce anxiety. One of the biggest things I talk to my students about that are at school is how are you doing with sleep habits?

How are you doing with eating habits? How are you doing with exercise? Hardly ever do I have a kid who’s doing all three well. Usually, they’re focused on one, and they’re getting good rest but just eating terribly and not getting a lot of physical activity. Wellness, to me, is one of those cornerstones that really anchors people, not just kids, but people in terms of mental health. What does wellness mean to you, Rebecca?

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Rebecca Lobo | Mental Resilience

 

The Importance Of Wellness: Sleep, Exercise & Mental Health

It’s interesting because when you talk about those three things, those are three things that are staples for every high-performing athlete’s life. You’re getting your exercise sleep, especially in the last decade has become paramount for high level athletes. They understand when they monitor their sleep, they understand how important it is to get enough sleep. The diet portion of it has become a huge conversation. I think like that’s one of the things that’s always been a part for me. Even sometimes if my kids are feeling a certain way, it’s like, “Do you notice do you feel better when you exercise? If you do, let’s make it a priority for you to find time to exercise.” Sometimes like especially in the meat of my busiest times of year, whether that’s March men or WNBA playoffs, if I say something like, “I wish I had time to X, Y, or Z. I wish I had time to read.” My husband will look at me and say, “Make time. You make time for the things that are important to you.” I think that’s probably a lesson to try to teach kids is, when do you feel best, what are the things that you do that make you feel best, and prioritize making time for those things?

I like that. Steve is wise.

Yes, he is.

He’s one of my suggestions. I like that. It’s a great concept because I think both for kids and adults, we use those excuses of I cannot possibly do that out of the time. Some of those things, like exercise in particular, is vital. It’s really vital to those individuals who have anxiety to get through the day and feel balanced. A good suggestion. I really appreciate it.

Someone should do a study on marathon runners. I would bet many of them have some level of anxiety, and that’s how they started dealing with it. It’s an interesting point. I’m just thinking, as you said, that over the years, I’ve definitely treated many. It is a go-to for a lot of people. An exercise on any level, as long as you’re moving, I think exercise on any level is just simply good for us.

As we get older, it becomes really critical because it is the difference between stagnation and really developing health issues versus not. I think kids look at it maybe differently than adults do, but we all need it. Certainly, something we all need. That’s for sure. You referenced it before. I know your schedule is super busy, so I appreciate you making the time to come on to the show. Those of you who don’t know, this is actually part two because we had an interview several years ago before this show even started. You were kind enough to give me some time.

That was a lot of years ago.

It was a while ago. You’re always so much fun to talk to and interview. I think you have some great insights. Again, so much has changed, I think, with the landscape of athletics these days. I think you offer a really great perspective on both having been an athlete and now being around them and watching them all the time. Again, thanks for your time. Thank you for making the time. I have one last question for you. Can I put you on the spot?

Sure.

Passing The Torch For The Next Interview

One of the things I do with the show is I ask for people coming on to nominate a friend, a coworker, a relative, really to keep the conversation moving forward. Didn’t know if you had anybody in your world whom you thought would be good for me to interview next. What do you think?

I don’t know. This person is much busier than I am, but perhaps one of the members of the UConn coaching staff would be good to talk to. Morgan Valley is an assistant coach there who played who has young kids of her own that she’s raising. She might be one that would be good to talk to.

I would love it. You guys heard it here. Rebecca’s calling you out. We’ll get them on the show and definitely get their perspective. I would love to hear from them. Thank you again. I appreciate all your time and energy, and good luck to all of the teams as we approach March Madness, coming soon.

Thank you.

Thank you, Rebecca. Take care.

 

Important Links

 

About Rebecca Lobo

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Rebecca Lobo | Mental ResilienceRebecca Lobo is a basketball icon, broadcaster, and advocate for mental wellness. She was a  standout at the University of Connecticut, she led the Huskies to their first national championship in 1995 and was named the NCAA Final Four’s Most Outstanding Player. She went on to play professionally in the WNBA, becoming one of the league’s original stars with the New York Liberty.

Following her playing career, Rebecca transitioned into broadcasting, becoming a respected analyst for ESPN, where she provides insightful commentary on women’s college and professional basketball. Beyond sports, she has been a vocal advocate for education, wellness, and the power of perseverance. Today, she joins Normalize It Forward to discuss mental resilience, the pressures of high-level athletics, and the importance of prioritizing well-being.

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Brittany Snitzer | Self-Love

 

It is easy to get addicted to comparing yourself to others, and this mindset makes you feel insecure and incomplete. Instead of spending so much time looking at other people, why not focus more on self-love instead? Marc Lehman chats with Brittany Snitzer, a talented and innovative professional in the makeup industry, who explains how to let your authentic self shine at all times. She discusses the importance of surrounding yourself with people who fill your cup and let go of those draining it up. Brittany also explains how to escape the toxicity of social media platforms and turn them into spaces of positivity and belongingness.

Watch the episode here

 

Listen to the podcast here

 

Focusing More On Self-Love With Brittany Snitzer

We are here to talk about mental health and wellness. I’m super excited to welcome Brittany Snitzer. Welcome, Brittany, to the show. Brittany is a talented and innovative professional in the makeup industry, known for her expertise in creating flawless trend-setting looks, with a passion for enhancing natural beauty and a meticulous eye for detail.

Brittany has built a reputation as a go-to artist for a wide range of clients, from individuals to high-profile events and photoshoots. Her ability to adapt to diverse styles and stay ahead of industry trends sets her apart, making her a sought-after name in the beauty world. Brittany, thank you so much for making the time to join us. Welcome.

Thank you for having me, Marc. I’m so excited to be here and discuss all topics related to mental health.

Brittany And Gal On The Go

Let me first ask. I love the name Gal on the Go. Can we jump into that and tell us what that is?

Thanks. I started my business in 2015. I was injured and not in the best mental place when I started my business. I was divorcing and working in a salon because I’m also a hairdresser. I couldn’t work because I had a back injury. Starting my business at such a low point, I needed to find something to do where my back and mental health would still be thriving. During my divorce, my clients started looking for me on social media, the beauty of social media.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Brittany Snitzer | Self-Love

 

One day, a client said, “I have something. Would you mind coming over to do my hair?” I was like, “Let me go try.” I was on six months of bed rest with a herniated disc and 4, 5, and 6. I was also medicated and not in a good place. Thankfully, my clients kept calling me. One tells one. An entire business was built on word of mouth. My mental health started to improve. My back started to feel better. I was looking for a name that was catchy and cute. I didn’t want to be just “girl on the go.” I needed a little more pizzazz. I thought, “Let me be Gal on the Go.” Years later, I’m still Gal on the Go.

What a cool story. First of all, how’s your back now?

It’s good. Thank you. I always try to be mindful of my injuries and everything that comes with that. I do a lot of yoga and Pilates to stay on my game.

Less Self-Comparison And More Self-Love

As you might guess, I don’t know a ton about the beauty industry, but I treat a lot of individuals with eating disorders. I wanted to chat with you about that. Many of our audiences are young adults, and some are young. They’re on social media and exposed to so much. I wanted to bring the topic up and ask your thoughts on that associated with wellness.

I shared before that I struggled with an eating disorder at 12 or 13 years old. I was diagnosed with bulimia and anorexia. I was hospitalized that same year at the Children’s Hospital in Montreal. I stand proudly in saying that I’m in recovery and will continue to stay in recovery, but it’s lifelong. Every day is a struggle. Dealing with anorexia, bulimia, or any eating disorder plays a big part in your mind. As we say in therapy, your mind often micro-focuses on things that might not even exist.

Anorexia and bulimia have touched my life a lot because they dictated why I’m in the beauty industry. It’s ironic because I chose a field that makes others feel good. I take a lot of pride in that. My clients and the people I speak to know that. Life as a woman is difficult. Add a bit of anxiety. You want to be this person in your head, but it doesn’t always work like that. It becomes very challenging.

Even as a young girl, I was always an achiever. I wanted to succeed the best, be the best, and have the best. That played a lot in my head. Eating disorders and the beauty industry have a lot in common because when you go online and look at social media, that’s what young girls see, the very thin, the very tall, or the more voluptuous. There are so many things in your face on YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok about women’s beauty, and young girls gravitate toward that.

Even my young clients, I try to talk to them and say, “No matter what size you are, what color you are, or how you feel that day, you have to stay focused on what you have in front of you and not what you want to go out and do to yourself or play in your mind what you’re not good at or good for or not enough.” The talk about “not enough” is a lot, I find.

That part is a mindset, wanting what you don’t have. When you do have it, you want something else.

You’re still not happy. That’s a lot I find for women. Even women my age, who are at a pinnacle point and who are successful and beautiful, can’t seem to see that. They’ve done work and this, that, and the other. They’re still not happy with themselves. As a therapist and being in recovery, we talk a lot about loving ourselves but really loving yourself. What does that look like?

I’m glad you brought that up because so many of our audience. I think you’re speaking to our young and many of them. Let’s talk about that. What does it mean to love yourself? What does that look like to you?

Just because you are rich and famous does not necessarily mean you are okay inside. Share on X

The first thing is to accept who you are. The acceptance of, “Maybe I’m never going to be good enough for this person, that person, this parent, or grandparent, or that cousin,” or whatever the case is. “I’m good for bread. I’m doing good just for bread.” What does that mean for bread? It means, if I wake up and I’m having a bad day, how can I get out of my head to feel better? What do I need to do?

May that be meditating, working out, eating a healthy meal, talking to my therapist or my friends, taking a walk, being with my dog, and all those things. It’s self-acceptance and knowing, “I didn’t do X, Y, and Z today, but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. I didn’t post enough today. I got into a fight with my boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love myself.”

I think asking that basic question. When you talk about acceptance, it’s so simple but so overlooked. I ask it all the time in therapy, “Are you happy?”

What does happiness mean?

It’s a good question.

I go back and forth, like, “What is it going to do to make me happy? Is it going to be buying a bag or helping somebody when they’re feeling like crap? What does that equate to?” A lot of people in my industry struggle with, “We could have everything in the world like collaboration deals, nice makeup, pretty face, and nice outings, but does that mean you’re happy?”

I would argue that it is not. A lot of individuals who seemingly have all of the material things oftentimes aren’t happy.

Most of the time, I meet and talk to my clients and people I come in contact with in the media. Just because you’re rich and famous and this and that and have Botox and filler doesn’t necessarily mean you’re okay inside. That was a bigger conversation.

Getting In Touch With Your Inner Child

It brings up the next thought of, “How do you get okay inside?” You and I have lived many more years than teenage kids. They’re figuring out how to be a young adult. We’ve tripped and fallen. We’ve done things that have allowed us to figure that part out. Let me ask you a question. When you think about what are some of the things you’ve done over the years that have made you, Brittany, a happier person?

It’s getting in touch with my inner child, and what about that? I wasn’t happy with it or didn’t fulfill or suffice my needs of not being good enough. I grew up with privilege. My parents were very accommodating. I went to private school, lived in a nice home, and all this and that. Sometimes, it goes beyond all those things. You remove the material things and then ask yourself what was lacking, “What didn’t I have,” besides materialistic. For me, it was a lot of going deep. I’ve been in a recovery program a few times already. I’ve had to work out why I choose certain people in my life or why I want to be like this person when I don’t want to be like this person. Why am I getting heavily influenced by people who don’t live in my shoes?

Great point. Great question. It happens all the time. If you think about how these devices train us, we’re constantly barraged with all of these images. It feels to me like when I look at Instagram or Facebook, the images women are bombarded with are an example of what you’re talking about, which is that they’re seeking something that they’ll never get to. They can never truly feel good about who they are because they’re always running towards something.

If you are putting out a positive image on social media, you will get back a positive image. Share on X

What are you running towards? What is the goal?

When I think about happiness, certain things bring me happiness. I’m sure certain things bring you happiness. One of those things is feeling mentally well.

Waking up and not feeling anxiety in the pit of my stomach, breathing in the good air, hugging my cute little dog, and knowing that I’m loved are things that I’m able to say, “I love myself,” and loving people around me openly without conditions.

A lot goes into that. I want to break that down a bit because it’s important for young people to understand this. You don’t get to be mentally positive or well-placed without a lot of work. The work sometimes is therapy, or joining a yoga class or a meditation class. The bottom line is making some time for yourself to take care of yourself. I find so many people don’t.

It’s easy to distract yourself by the noise, may it be substance, nightlife, or people who don’t want the best for you. If you surround yourself with things that can cloud your image of mental clarity, then you’re always going to stay stuck. You have to ask yourself, “What do I need to feel mentally clear?” For me, that’s staying away from substances and not going to bed past midnight. For me, that means eating healthy, taking nature walks, or talking to my friends who are there for me. Also, my clients and giving back to the community.

Surrounding Yourself With The Right People

You touched on a few things, but I want to pick up on one in particular. You mentioned having healthy people around you. It’s huge. I find that young people, a lot of times, will convince themselves that the people around them are healthy, love them, and care about them.

We have our rose-colored goggles on a lot. I’ve done it many times. You romanticize and fantasize about the people that you’re dating or the people that are around you. “Okay, whatever. This comment this.” No. We have to set in check and boundaries about the people who want the best for us. That may not be a ton of people. It might be just one. You eliminate a lot of the negative distractions and hyper-focus on what’s going to keep the peace in your brain. That’s when it clicks. That’s when it clicked for me, to be honest. Who’s feeding my soul and draining my soul?

We all have things that pop up in life. I work with so many college kids. Unfortunately, sometimes things pop up, like a death in the family or someone they love. They take a little bit of time away from school. I’m always curious when they get back who visits them first. It’s usually their true friends, the ones that care about them. “Brittany’s gone for 2, 3, 4 days or 1 week.” Someone’s texting you. Someone cares that you’re not there. As opposed to the other kids that you think are your friends and didn’t even notice you were gone.

You couldn’t have said it better. I have traveled around the world for work. In 2024, I’ve done a lot of traveling. It’s interesting to see who’s checking up on me or who is in my corner to know, “Did you arrive? Are you okay? Did you eat today?” It’s things like this. You’re saying something that resonates well with me because that’s a good indicator of who wants the very best for you. Sometimes, as hard as it is, you have to set your boundaries and remove yourself in silence. It doesn’t always have to be loud and proud. You can back away from people that you feel are in the pit of your stomach and don’t have the right intention.

That’s a good way of saying it. Don’t have the right intention. I like that.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Brittany Snitzer | Self-Love

 

Some people want to be around for the wrong reasons. That leaves you with a bit of a black cloud. You’ll know and feel when you’re not in the right space.

Putting Out A Positive Image On Social Media

Brittany, let’s talk a little bit about social media because it is such a fascinating topic. I’ve been to so many conferences where they talk about it as evil and blame all of the mental health in the community on social media.

I think it’s a blessing.

There’s an up and a downside. I want to talk to you about both. In your industry, I would imagine it plays a role.

To be honest with you, I’ve been very successful with social media. This is how I produce content. People can see my work. I can connect with other artists. I’ve gotten a lot of collaboration deals out of social media. I feel that if you portray the right image, you don’t have to share your whole life. You share what you want to share, you’ll be judged for that, and so on, but at the end of the day, you control what’s here.

It’s a control mechanism like anything else. If you’re putting up a positive image, you’re going to get back a positive image. I’ve had many negative comments. That is normal, but the majority of this has been positive. I guess it depends on how you’re using your media. Are you using it in a positive business form, or are you dilly-dallying and creating things in your head?

I’ve spoken to many women. They have had to close their Instagram to deal with anxiety. They can’t watch a makeup video, a girl in a bathing suit, or something about Kim Kardashian. In my experience, it’s been positive. You also have to understand how to market and that Instagram is a business. As a business owner, you have to think of it as a business. It’s not that serious.

I like what you said, too, about boundaries. Not sharing your entire world is important. You and I both use it very similarly in terms of our business. It’s a great way to reach lots of individuals you wouldn’t be able to reach otherwise. For young people, it can be anxiety provoking. I watch young kids regularly go through this, especially with colleges.

Kids are being bullied a lot online or body shaming.

I want to highlight something you said, and it’s important to repeat. We have control over that. If a young person is viewing social media a lot, which many do, you don’t have to. You can turn your phone off, put some limits on it, set some boundaries, and take a break from it, which is mentally healthy to do. There are lots of benefits for it. It reminds me of a swimming pool. It can be a lot of fun, but we have to respect that it can also be hazardous. Be mindful of it.

You choose who to follow online and which content to see. It is in your discretion to put everything in moderation. Share on X

It’s also easy to get caught up. You’re scrolling. You’re on your page. It’s almost like a rabbit hole. I try as much as I can to do my content, post it out there, and look at a few things, but you can also choose who you follow. You don’t have to be public like me or you. You can choose your content. You can also put barriers. Everything is in moderation. It’s at your discretion.

Staying True And Offering A Lending Hand

Brittany, let me ask you this. It’s a big question. It sounds like many of us went through ups and downs as young people. If you had an opportunity to speak to your thirteen-year-old yourself, what advice would you give?

I would say to myself, “It’s not my fault. You’re doing the best you can for you. Keep shining and continue to thrive.”

One of the hardest parts of my job is that the depression and anxiety rates are through the roof. The suicide rates are as well. Every once in a while, and unfortunately, it’s becoming more frequent, I will hear a story. It’s a story of someone who took their life. I always think the same thing. It’s a horrible tragedy, but their life is just beginning. There’s so much more that’s going to happen for them. I love what you said. For young people reading, please hear those words. You’re not alone. There are plenty of people out there who are willing to listen, help, and assist. Guess what? If you hold your breath, things are going to shift and change every ten minutes. Twelve years old, 13 years old, 15 years old, and 18 years old, it’s all different age brackets.

A few years ago, I got this tattoo on my wrist. It’s the semicolon. A few years ago, I was not in a good place. My mental health was poor. I admitted myself to the hospital. I was very close to not making it. It’s important for everyone to realize that you don’t need to be young or old, but you also have to realize that if you’re having a mental health crisis, there are places and people who you can go to. They don’t have to be your family because most of the time, your family doesn’t know what to do and can’t help themselves either. I want to say that you’re never alone in the world.

I appreciate you sharing that. I always tell young people that when you find yourself in a lonely position, you have to find somebody and reach out.

That means checking yourself in.

Somewhere, anywhere. It’s being by yourself. That’s the most destructive place to be when you’re feeling that way. I’m happy you did that.

They say that life is a journey. Our journeys are continuing. Young people’s journeys are just beginning in many ways. I always feel honored when someone allows me into their world for a moment to hear about their journey. I know that if I run into that person 2, 3, or 4 years later, there will be twists and turns. That’s part of life. Now is a tough time for young people and adults. It puts a lot of pressure on us to take care of ourselves better. We have to get through this because we want to get to the good stuff.

Life is hard. It is not easy for everybody. I see and talk to many people a day because of my profession. You’re a therapist, and I’m a therapist too, in my own right, without the degree. Someone’s sitting in your chair. They’re trusting you to make them feel good, and they get to talking to you. I have clients who are high profile and no profile. They say the same things to me.

It is easy to talk about your inner battles. But at a certain point, you will have enough and must take a break. Share on X

That’s so important because I feel like when I talk to kids and they talk about the Kim Kardashians of the world or other famous people, there’s this illusion that they’re not human beings.

They’re human. We’re all human.

Their lives are so vastly different. Sure, maybe there’s more money.

Their lives are harder than we think.

I always say to people that it’s always the same whenever I’ve worked with a celebrity or famous individual. Everybody is a human being. We’re all susceptible.

They have an even harder time. I work in the media as well. They have to have thick skin because they’re being spoken about and ripped apart. Their relationships and lives are online. If they’re fat, skinny, green, or purple, it’s out there. They put themselves out there, so their mental health rates. If we look at some of the celebrities that have passed away, how much struggle have they been through? Nobody wanted to help them, right? They couldn’t get the help they needed. They have all the resources in the world.

It’s important. We do hear about that in the public eye. All the more reason. One of the biggest reasons I created this show is to talk about mental health and normalize the conversation. Let’s have a conversation and ask the right questions. Let’s be there for others if we can. Let’s be kind. Let’s realize that sometimes, when people appear like they’re not struggling, they are.

It’s funny you say that because I’m always pretty authentic. I explain who I am. Clients, my friends, and people online know that I have struggles. I work with I Love Tyler Madison brands. I try to do as much outreach as I can. You don’t know what’s happening in someone’s home and head. You could look perfect, filtered, hair done and makeup on, but you don’t know what’s happening. You don’t know what is going on in someone’s brain. It’s the appearance.

The mask they’re wearing.

We all wear one.

Keep that in mind and realize that it’s a choice. We can be kind to other people. We can recognize that maybe people are going through it more than we know. We can always lend a hand and an ear and listen to people if we need to. You used the word authentic. You’re super authentic. I appreciate your ability to put yourself out there and talk about hard things. I do think it’ll resonate with my audience. Guess what? They’re dealing with stuff, too. I feel like when we give that message that we’re all dealing with stuff, it doesn’t push people off into that stigma corner. It’s like, “It’s okay to be dealing with stuff. You got to be dealing with it and working on it.”

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Brittany Snitzer | Self-Love

 

You have to do the work. That’s the hardest part. It’s easy to talk about it and keep talking about it, but at a certain point, you have to be like, “Enough is enough. I want to feel good and strong now. I want to feel mentally okay. What does that mean? What do I need to do to wake up in the morning and not feel like I’m going to crawl into a ball and cry?”

That’s where therapy comes in. You get a good therapist. They’re going to direct and tell you. They’re going to warn you. They’re going to tell you, “This is going to be a little bit of work.”

A lot of work. You have to dig deep. It goes back a long time for many, including myself.

Brittany’s Nominee For Next Guest

I appreciate your time. Part of the show is that I want the conversation to continue. I often ask my guests to nominate a friend, a coworker, or a relative. If you have one, I’ll put you on the spot, but I’m curious. Any thoughts in terms of somebody you know who might be a good person for me to interview?

Yes, I do. She’s a good friend of mine. She’s a client. She’s also a content creator and actress. Her name is Esther Brzezinski. She would be good for your show as well. She’ll give a different perspective to your audience.

I appreciate it. I’ll get her info from you offline, reach out, and get Esther on the show sometime soon. Thank you so much. I know you’re super busy. I appreciate you being here. Have a wonderful day. We’ll talk at some point. Take care.

Thank you for having me.

You’re very welcome. Take care.

 

Important Links

 

About Brittany Snitzer

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Brittany Snitzer | Self-LoveBrittany Snitzer is a talented and innovative professional in the makeup industry, known for her expertise in creating flawless, trend-setting looks. With a passion for enhancing natural beauty and a meticulous eye for detail, Britney has built a reputation as a go-to artist for a wide range of clients, from individuals to high-profile events and photoshoots. Her ability to adapt to diverse styles and stay ahead of industry trends sets her apart, making her a sought-after name in the beauty world.

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Jacqueline Harris | Fashion

 

What you wear and how you show up has a direct impact on your personal wellness. Mental health advocate Jacqueline Harris is here to discuss how to use fashion to elevate your well-being and cultivate body positivity. Combining her fashion expertise with her psychology background, she talks about practical approaches to achieving self-acceptance, building self-confidence, and dealing with eating disorders. Jacqueline also discusses how to talk freely about suicide and why taking the easy route in life is not always the way to go.

Watch the episode here

 

Listen to the podcast here

 

Improve Your Wellness Through Fashion With Jacqueline Harris

I’m so excited to meet Jacqueline Harris. Jacqueline, welcome to the show.

Thank you.

You’re very welcome. Jacqueline brings over twenty years of experience in fashion, running ILoveTylerMadison.com. Alongside fashion, she’s got a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology, works as a designer, and is an advocate for mental health. Her journey through recovery from an eating disorder inspired her to create a fashion line that promotes both style and self-acceptance.

Recognizing that feeling comfortable and confident in one’s own skin can be a challenge, Jacqueline is passionate about making clothes that serve as a bridge between fashion and well-being. With a deep understanding of the importance of body positivity, she creates pieces that empower people to feel good inside and out. Jacqueline, welcome. How are you?

Thank you. I love the intro. I was like, “Yes,” to all that.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Jacqueline Harris | Fashion

 

It’s so funny when I read intros. People are embarrassed or don’t know what to say.

I love it. I’m like, “Tell me more about what I do.”

From Counseling Psychology To The World Of Fashion

I’m thrilled to have you here. Your background and experience are very unique with a counseling psych background and a fashion background. I know, as my wife would attest, very little about fashion, but I certainly understand body image and mental health and wellness tremendously. As a therapist, I do have a subspecialty in eating disorders, so I’ve worked with a lot of both male and female patients over the years on various treatment levels around this topic. Let’s jump in. I want to pick your brain on some of these topics and get your viewpoint. As I’m reading your intro, I’m thinking, “That’s an interesting path.” What led you down the road as you got a counseling psych degree toward fashion?

I was always interested in psychology, but I ended up going back to school much later on in life. I was working in fashion before when all my friends were in university. It’s interesting. The company is named after our rescue dogs, Tyler and Madison. Years ago, it was my sister and me. Tyler was her dog. Madison was my dog. We wanted to create a line that was more than fashion. That’s where the altruistic side came in. We donate a portion of all sales to various animal charities.

We believe that helping others, and for us, it’s animals, gives you a sense of purpose. It takes you outside your negative head space. As we got older and evolved, and then became mothers, that’s when we started focusing more on the mental health side. We’re not ignoring the animals. We still do that. That’s when we started our mental health platform and wanted to normalize not being okay. We realized people don’t talk about it enough. That’s when I went back to school, did my undergrad, and then got my Master’s. That’s how the journey started.

I knew a bit about that last part. That honestly was what attracted me to reach out. I want to know more. Tell me more about your mental health platform. Can you give us a sense of that?

Sure. It’s on our website. We wanted to normalize not being okay. How it started was someone at the office, or maybe it was possibly me opening up about recovering from an eating disorder. Another person or another woman mentioned, “I had an eating disorder too. This was my journey.” Another woman also talked about it.

This is the first time that it happened to me as an adult in an open conversation with other individuals that you don’t know that well. They’re colleagues. To dive into something so personal was such a wonderful experience and made you feel less alone. It’s so isolating having an eating disorder. It was the most wonderful feeling.

It started so organically, saying, “We should do something about this and maybe offer tools or resources or even start posting not stories.” The first one was about a customer’s struggle with alcoholism. It wasn’t even related to eating disorders. It was to let people know that there are women in their 40s struggling with a drinking problem. That’s how it started.

I read that. I encourage everybody who’s tuning in to go to your website and read the letters you have on there. I was reading yours about birthdays as well.

I turned 42.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

There’s so much to those, but one of the takeaways is they’re so honest. We live in a world where it’s hard to be honest about our mental health. Statistically speaking, the reality is anxiety is through the roof, depression is through the roof, and eating disorders are through the roof. People are struggling. I love that you guys took that leap of faith with each other in the office. I’m guessing it created a cool culture of connection.

That’s what I always say. The opposite of addiction is connection. It’s so isolating. You feel so alone. That’s why we wanted to normalize it. We’ve had two events. We had a workshop at a yoga studio. They were small and intimate. We talked about mental health and did some breathing techniques. We would love to be able to have group therapies once a week or even once a month. That’s the goal, to offer more resources to people, but for now, it’s the articles and tools online.

The opposite of addiction is connection. Share on X

There’s another company I’ve worked with in the past, a men’s company that has a line of fitness clothing. They do something very similar for men. They open up their stores periodically. They have these men’s mental fitness and mental health talks. It’s something very similar to what you’re discussing. I feel they are so needed. It’s such a cool opportunity. It’s not a therapist’s office. It’s not a hospital setting. For some, these are intimidating areas. It is for people to recognize, “The general public is dealing with this. It’s coming up a lot for people.”

The Toxic Side Of Social Media

Honestly, one of the reasons I developed this show is that I work with many young adults. The population that I see is mostly high school and college-aged students. I have a virtual private practice. We see students all over the country when they’re away from home. One of the things that we see often is students who haven’t been diagnosed but have symptoms.

In many ways, it puts pressure on the adults older than them to be able to role model this concept that not only is it okay to not be okay, but it’s okay to talk about it. Some people will hug you and join you. There are people you are shoulder-to-shoulder with in your part-time job that you have no idea are struggling.

I do know more from working with that generation. I feel terribly for teenagers. Social media can be toxic, but then it could also connect you and bring you together. Those are ways in which you could see other people struggling if they do share their stories, but I would assume, more likely than not, people are posting their best selves. That’s what makes it hard too.

Social media can be so toxic, but it can also connect and bring people together. Share on X

I’m glad you said that. There are positives and negatives to it. Some of the negatives are upsetting to see, whether it be young people having popularity contests in many ways. I’ve seen young people post pictures with huge smiles on their faces, and they’re doing God knows what, and then I’ll see them that afternoon and they’re crying in my office. I try to get young people to understand regularly, “What you’re seeing is not real. What you’re seeing is a version of what that person wants you to see.” More importantly, it impacts us when we’re viewing that.

We’re trying to do a Mental Health Monday on the last Monday of every month. The tagline that I saw online and reused was, “I hope your life on social media is as amazing as you pretend it is to be,” or something. It’s worded better. That’s so true. More often than not, someone’s having the worst day, a big fight with their partner, or whatever it may be, and they post the opposite. It makes them feel better in some strange, for me, unrelatable way, because I didn’t grow up in the social media culture. Your life should be so private and everything has become so public and fake.

In the mental health realm or the wellness realm, you hit the nail on the head. You and I have referenced the point of life before social media. Teenagers, when you talk to them, eighteen, nineteen, twenty-year-old kids, don’t have that reference. It is tricky, and it does seem very real. For them, it influences them tremendously.

How Fashion Impact A Person’s Wellness

Social media is a huge factor. There is no doubt about it. Wellness is made up of so many different levels. Fashion, to me, is one of those levels. How a person feels in the clothes they wear determines a lot. You touched on it before, but where do those two topics collide for you in terms of outfits, fashion, and then also a person’s wellness?

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Jacqueline Harris | Fashion

 

Personally for myself, having my weight fluctuate my whole life, when you’re struggling, whether it’s an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, or everything that comes with it, as trivial as it seems when you have to get up and go to school, go to work, or function, when you don’t feel good in your clothes, it’s another added layer that you don’t need on top of trying to survive.

That’s where my sister and I started the line. It was skirts, shorts, and pants. Everything was pull-on. It was years ago. The Lululemon craze started and people were wearing leggings. They weren’t very appropriate to wear other than the gym. I found it strange that people would go to dinner in leggings. We took that concept, which is popular in maternity and for older women, as a pull-on panty. It’s very popular.

We said, “Let’s make all of our pants like trousers with pockets and a fake button, but let’s make everything pull-on so you feel comfortable.” There’s the top button challenge. If you’re sitting in your jeans and your stomach is rolling over and the clothes are rolling down it, it’s so uncomfortable. That’s how it started. We were like, “Let’s make flattering, stylish pants that are comfortable so when you put them on, you feel good.”

Talking Freely About Suicide

I was thinking as you were talking about leggings, “Things have changed a lot in ten years.” Comfort is huge. And physical comfort and mental comfort collide right inside of us. You said it best that we take that with us every day, whatever we’re doing. That’s important. Tell me. I’m curious. Your staff sounds like a healthy bunch of people who share and connect. I’m wondering. In terms of viewpoint, I’m assuming your staff, age bracket-wise, are in their 50s.

It’s 35 to 50.

I imagine everybody has a little bit of a different viewpoint on mental health and wellness with some overlap.

We’re pretty aligned talking about it. We also come to be of that age, especially some few other colleagues around my age. It’s strange. In our culture, it is common that you are more avoidant. You don’t talk about your personal issues. It was very private if you were going to therapy. It is strange for all of us to come out there and so openly talk about it, but we feel that there’s a need that we’d have to normalize it.

As a side note, there were quite a few suicides in Montreal around individuals our age. That was shocking to all of us, whether we knew of them or some knew them personally, to think you don’t know anyone and they suffered in silence. That also got the ball rolling about like, “Forget it. Forget my shame. I want to talk about this if it could help one person know that they’re not alone.”

What an immense statement. You’re right. The suicide rate in young people is increasing tremendously and in a scary way. To me, that’s the worst-case scenario for somebody who’s struggling and certainly struggling alone. They go down that path. For so many people, there’s that stretch of time. A lot of times, it’s a long stretch of time where they’re feeling depressed and anxious and they’re having trouble, but they’re not saying things to people. They’re not letting people know. It could also be that the people they are letting know are their friends, and their friends are struggling also, so they keep it contained.

One of the mantra statements I end up repeating all the time for young people is finding a healthy adult to connect with and to let them know. Healthy adults can come in all different shapes and sizes in terms of who they are. They could be professors, coaches, therapists, neighbors, aunts, uncles, friends, friends’ parents, and all different types of people. It is letting an adult know, and that adult will hopefully help them get to some level of assistance.

You’re right. It’s tragic to hear that it’s happening your way, but honestly, it’s happening in so many different areas of the world. It’s the reality. It’s something we need to pay attention to. Suicide is one of those words. People don’t like talking about it. It’s a scary concept to think about. I always say to families, “If you can’t say to your pubescent kid, ‘You can’t talk about sex,’ then suicide is going to be challenging. Trust me, those topics are a lot easier to talk about than going to a funeral.” It was something along those lines.

There’s so much stigma with suicide. I find when you open the door and you talk about it, whether it’s to the family members who live through it, there’s so much gratitude because people shy away from it. It’s an illness. I’ve overheard people say, “How could that person do that? It’s so selfish. They had kids.” It enrages me. I say, “They’re sick. Would you say that to someone who had cancer?” People don’t understand it either.

Be open about discussing suicide. There is so much gratitude when you do this because many people shy away from it. Share on X

That’s a big part of it. It is interesting, people’s reactions, when that happens. Sometimes, people will get angry. Sometimes, people feel insulted. There’s a whole range of reactions that’s hard to understand. I agree with you. The topic itself could be talked about more. For those individuals who are not suffering from depression or anxiety, it’s hard to understand. It’s complicated.

The number one thing that I put out there around this topic is to connect. Connect with someone. Find somebody to connect with and make sure that that person has your best interest in mind. Young people are suffering in silence. Those people are at risk. I’m glad you brought the topic up. Social media gives us our viewpoint of it. Certainly, there have been a number of very public suicides of celebrities over the last many years that have called our attention to the topic. It does for a small period of time, and then we move on from that.

We very quickly move on. People forget. That’s why it’s important to keep the conversation open. As we’re talking, I’m thinking, “We should do an article maybe about suicide. I’ll put it out there if someone wants to send it in.”

I’m thinking in my head of the shows that I’ve done. It’s amazing how much this topic gets talked about. I interviewed a young lady who is a suicide survivor. You don’t hear about that often, but to listen to the impact and where she was at. She’s 24. As she tells her story, it’s a very common story. There are lots of kids out there that are at risk. I agree with you. As adults in our forties, fifties, and sixties, our challenge is to keep that conversation right there. If we’re able to reduce even one person from taking that leap, then we’ve assisted people.

Avoiding The Easy And Familiar Route

Let me ask you this. In terms of wellness, wellness is one of those areas where we talk about coping skills, parenting, mind-body, different techniques, and so forth. As therapists, we talk about that in counseling. I’m wondering. When you hear the phrase mental health and wellness, what does it mean to you? What comes to mind?

In terms of wellness, for some reason, I always think of the wellness industry. My mind automatically goes to social media. I think of living a happy life in terms of mental health and wellness, and if you have that under control. Mental health is a huge umbrella. Many things fall under it. There are a lot of misconceptions. The main message I would want to get across from discussing mental health would be that it’s so important to work at it.

When people go to the gym, they want to go as much as they can to feel good. It’s the same with mental health. Don’t feel ashamed that you don’t feel okay. People didn’t have the proper word for it. They’re like, “Something feels off. Something is amiss. Something doesn’t feel right,” whether that’s anxiety or depression.” There’s so much to discuss. Did that answer that?

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Jacqueline Harris | Fashion

 

It does. You got me thinking about a few things. I missed this earlier but I want to double back to it for a minute. I want to thank you for your honesty because so many people our age when they talk about their own mental health say, “I struggle with depression. I struggle with happiness. I struggle with anxiety. I struggle with eating disorders.” You’ve had the courage to do that and I applaud you for that. I admire that.

Thank you.

You’re welcome. It’s awesome that you’ve done that. I feel like that does serve as a role model for young people to hear adults say things like, “On the outside, I may look a certain way and I may act a certain way. You may even see me online, but I need you to understand that I’ve had my struggles and I currently have my struggles.” That’s honest. That’s wrapped into mental health and wellness. You’re right. There are a lot of different pieces to it. I like what you said. It’s 100% accurate. It’s one of those things we can’t put down and stop working. It’s like our oral hygiene. We can’t stop brushing our teeth. That’ll be a problem.

That’s what people don’t talk about enough. It’s a lifelong journey. There are ups and downs. When working with young kids, I often say, “It’s like the weather. You can’t have sunny days all the time. It’s going to rain. There are going to be storms. That’s part of your mood and your emotions. Know that it’s okay. It’s a constant journey.” I feel like with every decade, let’s say, you’re facing new struggles. There are new things to work on all the time, like your body changes when you go to the gym. You’ll be doing different workouts and changing it up. It’s the same thing.

That’s a very healthy way of looking at it. Whether it’s counseling, going to the gym, or trying to force yourself to talk openly to people or healthy habits, it is looking at those and saying, “These aren’t things that I do every Tuesday. They’re things that I should be doing all the time.”

When I think of wellness, it’s about the easy route. When you try to take the easy route, life becomes harder. It’s so simple. Working out is hard, but not moving your body will end up harder. It goes on to say a bunch, like easy always has a cost. That’s where I find the familiar hell. When people get so used to struggling, that becomes their level of comfort. Getting to the root cause of why you don’t feel well will make the difference, but getting there is hard, if that makes sense.

When you try to take the easy route, life becomes harder. Share on X

It does.

It should be easy, but it’s not. It takes a lot of work to get there.

You got me thinking when you said that.

That was a lot. I’m sorry.

That’s deep. I appreciate you telling me that. I’m going to repeat that. Easy comes with a cost. I’m even thinking about counseling. Why is it that so many young people need counseling but don’t get it? The simple answer is that they don’t want to do anything that requires that type of work. A lot of people in their forties, fifties, and sixties can recognize that all of the things that we do that are fruitful in life require hard work.

It’s easier to scroll on Instagram for hours than to take twenty minutes to journal or go to an hour-long therapy session. It’s easier to drive to McDonald’s and get fast food than it is to make a stir fry or whatever it may be. For a lot of individuals, they take the easy route. Even with addictions or eating disorders, it’s familiar. You go back to that familiar hell and unfamiliar heaven because it’s easy. It feels strange to stray from what your nervous system knows.

It’s interesting how so many of my patients have been in that familiar world where it’s hellish and it’s uncomfortable but it’s familiar. Changing from that can take a lot of courage. It’s interesting. I’m sure you’ve seen this over the years with people that you’ve known. I’ve had people say to me in their teen years, “I didn’t think I was going to live until I was 21.” I’m talking to them at 26 or 27 and they’re telling me that. They’re talking about having a family. You hear those things and you’re like, “Life does shift and change.”

Sometimes, when we think one thing at a moment, we don’t realize that our thoughts are going to shift and change every couple of years, even in terms of what our future looks like. I appreciate you sharing that. The “familiar hell” is an interesting phrase. I’ll remember it because it’s true. When people are suffering, that’s where they are. One of the biggest reasons I felt so passionate about connecting with people and doing the show is I wanted people to understand that those types of feelings, oftentimes for young people, are normal until they recognize, “There is a healthier normal. There’s a different space that you can be in. They’ll remain in that hellish world.”

That’s important to talk about. Tying it back to social media, influencers and people are comparing our lives to make it look so easy. It’s not. It’s an illusion too.

No matter who I meet, no matter what they’ve done, no matter what their bank accounts look like, and no matter how public they are, I’m always reminded we’re all human beings and we all go through very similar things. As a result, we’re all susceptible. The social media scrolling is a bit of a Pavlovian-type training that we go through where we start to think, “Everybody else has their shit together. What’s wrong with me?” I’m glad you said that. That is spot on.

Jacqueline’s Nominee For Next Guest

First of all, thank you so much for your time and energy and for talking about these topics. I love your viewpoint. I love your honesty. I appreciate you bringing to the table what you did. Part of the show is I usually put people on the spot a little bit toward the end of the interview and ask them to nominate a friend, a coworker, a relative, or someone who they think would be helpful for us to interview next and have on the show. Any thoughts in terms of people that you might nominate?

I do. I have my girlfriend Brittany. She’s on our Tyler Madison Instagram feed a lot. She looks very good in our clothing. She’s a makeup artist and is also open about her struggles with mental health and loves talking about it openly. She’d be an interesting perspective, especially working with women in the beauty industry and doing makeup. She has a lot to say about that. I could give you her information.

I’ll get that from you offline. I appreciate you nominating her. I’m excited to talk to her. It sounds like she’ll have a different viewpoint and give us a sense of her perspective. I appreciate you nominating her. I look forward to getting in touch with her sometime soon. Again, thank you so much. I know you’re busy. I appreciate you making the time.

To those of my readers who didn’t catch it originally, it is ILoveTylerMadison.com. Look them up. They have awesome stuff going on on their website. They have great clothing that they are putting out there, and even more fantastic people behind the clothing. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. You have yourself a wonderful rest of the day.

Thank you so much. You too.

Bye-bye.

 

Important Links

 

About Jacqueline Harris

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Jacqueline Harris | FashionJacqueline brings over 20 years of experience in fashion, alongside a master’s degree in counseling psychology, to her work as a designer and advocate for mental health. Her journey through recovery from an eating disorder inspired her to create a fashion line that promotes both style and self-acceptance.

Recognizing that feeling comfortable and confident in one’s own skin can be a challenge, Jacqueline is passionate about making clothing that serves as a bridge between fashion and well-being. With a deep understanding of the importance of body positivity, she creates pieces that empower people to feel good, inside and out.

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Dr. Trina Clayeux | Mental Health

 

Mental health challenges are more visible than ever, and yet access to proper care remains a major hurdle. Marc Lehman sits down with Dr. Trina Clayeux, CEO of Give an Hour, to discuss innovative solutions for mental health support, including peer-to-peer networks and expanding resources beyond traditional therapy. Dr. Clayeux shares how her organization tackles the mental health crisis by providing free services to veterans, their families, and communities in need. They also explore the importance of suicide protection, the evolving role of self-care, and why businesses must rethink mental health in the workplace. Tune in as they challenge outdated models and offer real-world strategies for making mental health care more accessible.

Watch the episode here

 

Listen to the podcast here

 

Breaking Mental Health Barriers With Dr. Trina Clayeux

We are joined by Dr. Trina Clayeux. Thank you for joining us, Trina. I appreciate you being here. I’m going to do a quick intro on you. We’ll read through a little bit about who you are and what you’re doing, and then we’ll chat. Trina serves as the CEO of Give an Hour, which is such an awesome organization. I can’t wait to hear more about it.

Trina brings a wealth of experience at the intersection of education, employment, and mental health. Her prior roles include the COO for community-based education and affordable housing organizations, director of a national emergency Military base closure event, and executive officer for a national corporate network supporting Military spouse employment. Dr. Clayeux holds a PhD in Leadership Studies and a Master’s in Public Administration. She’s a passionate advocate for the Military and veteran communities and draws on her experience as a Military and veteran spouse to foster meaningful change. Trina, welcome.

Thank you so much.

The Mission Behind Give An Hour

Thank you for joining us. I’m so excited to talk to you. I would love to chat with you and know a little bit about Give an Hour. Tell us about your organization.

Thank you again for your interest. We are going into our twentieth year, so we’ve been around for a minute. We were founded in 2005, and it was in direct response to 9/11. Our founder saw around the corner in 2005 not a lot of talk about mental health, and certainly in the Military at that time. It wasn’t talked about or discussed a lot. It was quite detrimental to avoid that conversation in order to keep your job and employment.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Dr. Trina Clayeux | Mental Health

 

What she had envisioned was having a network of mental health professionals across the country, all licensed, who came together to give an hour of free mental health care to those Military veterans and their loved ones. It was unlimited and it was barrier-free. It was like getting connected to clinical care. What I love, too, was that it was looked at not as a 2 or 3-session and it was done and it included the family. It is understanding that anytime we’re talking about mental health, we’re always talking about a family unit. That’s involved. I know it’s hard to even envision now, but it was so unique.

Fast forward to about 2021, I became the CEO after our founder moved on into the federal sphere. We also saw there are not nearly enough mental health professionals and it’s not the solution for everyone. It’s not accessible for everyone, to be quite frank. We added peer support as another option for folks, which is people with lived experience helping other people, and more self-directed psychoeducation materials and things that people can do on their own. The idea is when you come to Give an Hour, you have a choice. It’s looking at an empowering way to set out on your own mental health journey and have the tools, resources, and support to get what you need out of it.

The spirit in which you guys have been organized and grown is so awesome. You guys are pioneers in terms of what you’ve done and where you’ve been. I can’t tell you having worked 25 years in the field as a therapist how many times I’ve heard people say things like, “It’s the way we’ve always done it.” I’m sitting and going, “It’s broken. That doesn’t make any sense to me.” As a therapist, I created a second practice called You Are Heard. U Are Heard is a virtual private practice. Knowingly, I was stepping into this world that other people hadn’t been in before. When COVID hit, I became the pro. Everyone was calling me and asking, “How do you do this?”

I admire your business’s ability to find ways and get people help in a world where the demand is up here and the providers are down here. Those families that are reading or the kids that are reading that haven’t gotten help, number one, this is a way for them to, and number two, I want them to know we’re aware of this discrepancy. People like your organization and yourself are doing things to solve that issue.

You’re right. It’s a collective. We all have roles to play. Mental health therapists have a role to play. People who are more of friends, family, and allies have a role of becoming more self-educated. If that were the case, then we could take some of the burden off of mental health professionals. Our network of active mental health professionals is about 4,000 across the country.

We also pour into our mental health professionals, realizing that there aren’t a lot of places and spaces for them to get what they need. We do peer support. Everything we offer customers, we offer our mental health professionals. We do peer support. We do continued education credit with no charge to them based on what they say they want and need in terms of training.

While we hope you can give an hour, we also realize it’s bigger than that. We need to keep, maintain, and retain the people that we have. We have this whole early career of people going into therapy who are coming out who feel unorg. Where is their community? They’re getting pushed out, not negatively, but you go out there and the demand is so high. If you don’t have a community and a support system, you can get lost in that. You can experience professional burnout and all the things that go with that. We’re hoping to be part of that solution as well.

That’s fantastic. I love that it’s being addressed. When I was doing my homework, I was watching one of your videos. You said, “How do we mobilize a nation during a mental health crisis?” It’s such a great question because there’s a portion of the population in this country that doesn’t even realize we’re in a mental health crisis until they’re in the midst of it, like a parent with a kid or themselves.

Recognizing that’s where we’re at is stressing all of the systems involved, the therapists all the way down, and what can we be doing about it. Tell me more about the peer-to-peer because, for years, we’ve always done it like, “If you have a problem, you go see a therapist and talk it through.” That’s how it goes. Tell me about the peer-to-peer.

Why Peer Support Is A Powerful Solution

Communities have been using the peer model for so long. It’s so powerful. It has a marketing problem because it’s been so challenging to explain to folks that I see it on the continuum of clinical care. It’s equal and different. It is equal in the impacts of it. The effects of it are so incredibly strong and powerful, and there’s a different need depending on what you’re looking for in your life.

If you don't have a community and a support system, you can get lost. Professional burnout happens fast when there is no place to turn to for help. Share on X

We follow what’s called a trauma-informed reciprocal model, which is to know that people with lived experience are great folks to have to be able to engage with other people with lived experience. You can learn from each other and you can support each other. We spend a lot of time in training to make sure that people with lived experience understand a good setting and good boundaries for them. It can be very exhausting.

We introduce psychoeducation materials that they can bring into a group setting so people can use these tools not to just hand them out but also to talk through them. There’s a lot of sharing. Sometimes, it’s being acknowledged. We’ve worked in populations that have experienced some unique things. We’ve worked in mass violence and mass shooting events. What we heard from people was therapists are great for a particular part of that, but to be around other people who’ve had a similar experience where you don’t have to explain everything. You’re part of a unique community. That’s been so healing. They would ask for things like, “Can we talk to this author who wrote a book about trauma?” We could bring the author and you could have fireside chats. It was this continued shared experience.

We run groups that are virtual peer support groups for a variety of things. It could be anything from victims and survivors of financial fraud, Military and veterans, and people with chronic diseases. It gives you a place to find your tribe. It’s so powerful. We do have clinicians who oversee it but they’re not the center of it. It’s a peer connection.

I love it. For years, I’ve been fascinated by the concept Alcoholics Anonymous offers. Their veterans bring their newbies in and they’ve had that shared experience. By giving that, those eventual newbies become veterans. It’s so awesome. We could all learn something from that in that the older models need to be separated. I’m the first one to say as a therapist that those people are very helpful more than therapists sometimes to be able to relate to them individually.

I love hearing you say that. We do have a percentage of people who are going to therapy that maybe could benefit rather from a peer model, which would also free up some of the higher-need therapeutic interventions that aren’t accessible. Mental Health America has it out that it’s 1 therapist for every 350 people. In some places I know, like in the Phoenix metro area, it’s 1 for every 660. These are big numbers.

Do you want me to blow your mind on college campuses?

What?

It’s 1 provider nationally on average for 1,700 kids. It’s terrible.

We can’t solve it by pumping out more therapists.

Correct.

That’s going to be an option. It’s affecting all places, like the workforce. Especially in the last few years, the workforce has been struggling. What I’m always fearful of is it’s going to be that boomerang effect where it’s like, “This is too hard. It’s too much,” and we’re going to go and spring back hard. Part of it is trying to equip people to say, “We can do things at the workplace that don’t involve a ton more investment.” I know some companies that are putting so much money into mental health, which is fantastic, but they’re not feeling the needle move. We’re still missing that human connection part. It’s so much embedded in that.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Dr. Trina Clayeux | Mental Health

 

That’s why peer support and therapy is so effective. It is equipping people to be able to have human conversations that are productive, have tools built into them, feel genuine and empathetic, and acknowledge how people are experiencing life without becoming too pathologized and stuck, like just talking about anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress. We have to take action. We have to have movement there. I feel like that’s a part that hopefully we’re able to bring.

I love the concept. I work with a lot of college students. Part of what I’ve been doing is I have a model that brings people who are already on campus to work with students who are nonclinical and to be able to use those resources. Some are peer-to-peer with shared experiences. Some are individuals who are simply learning how to be a therapist. We don’t have enough therapists. We could sit all day long hiring more people or finding more people but eventually, we’re going to run out. You guys have jumped to the concept that we need to do it differently. Peer-to-peer is such a powerful move and such a great idea.

There are a few of the topics that we tend to go over on the show and I would love to get your point of view on some of these things. Self-care is one of those buzz phrases that are used a ton. I talk about it a lot with the students that I work with. I’m curious. When you think of self-care for people, what comes to mind?

This might be an era I’m in. I believe that it’s around tools and practices that make self-care work. The way that I feel like it’s been talked about is it tends to gravitate towards getting your nails done or moving away from people. It’s always some sort of isolating behavior. You take some time for yourself. I agree with all that. It’s always trying to find your own rhythm. For many communities, it’s leaning into people. That’s where they find self-care. It is with friends and family. I don’t know that we talk about that as much. To me, it’s an exclusion.

I’m a huge proponent of finding tools, routines, and practices that work. As a former college student, it is scheduling out the things that are important that bring you a sense of peace. I always think of movement. Some kind of movement is always good. It could be getting outside in the morning before classes start. We undervalue the importance of it until we start being in touch with our mind, our body, how we react to that, or what happens when we start grinding and we are not taking those moments.

What works for me doesn’t work for someone else. What works for them isn’t going to work for someone else. It doesn’t have to take up your whole day, but if you miss it, you miss out on the compounding effect of it. That’s why it’s the routine and the practice and prioritizing it but also realizing there’s not a magic thing.

Sometimes, we’re looking for something where we do it three times and we’re like, “I breathed and it didn’t work. That clearly is not going to work.” It’s the compounding effect. It’s the routine of it. It’s also the reinforcement of your commitment to something. There’s almost self-esteem that comes with practicing something over and over. You’ll never get good at anything if you don’t do it over and over.

I agree.

People are sometimes looking for something else or something that doesn’t require energy. It’s so much of the basics, like eating well, getting some exercise, and making sure you get some sleep and hydrating.

Those are the fundamentals.

People are like, “Those aren’t sexy. What else is there?”

Some companies put so much money into mental health but still fail to move the needle. What they are missing is human connection. Share on X

You said a lot of interesting things but one important thing stood out to me. You said leaning into being social. I find so many kids lean into these or gaming, or whatever it might be that removes them from actual contact. I’m thinking about that as you said that. Whether it be a spin class, a yoga class, a photography group, or a get-together, it doesn’t matter what they’re doing. The routine of it, like, “Every Tuesday night, we go do this,” is awesome. That’s one of the reasons why I like asking that question because everyone defines self-care a little differently. It’s also one of those things that is so important to our wellness.

I agree. I was at a training with emerging adults in the Military from ages 18 to 26. We were talking about that. That’s a sign from their baseline if they start withdrawing. They were like, “We’re always asking them to go out.” It was like, “What if you went in?” You’re trying to do another perspective. There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with gaming and all that, but if it’s taking up all of your space and you don’t have a lot of margins for other people and in-person interaction, then a tool is to put a timer on it or put some limits on it.

It was then like, “Go into where they are. Grab some food or go game with them,” because what you’re trying to do is make a human connection. What we tend to do when we’re upset, stressed, and all the things is withdraw. I do the same. I have to force myself. I was like, “I’ll get it together and then I’ll lean back in on people,” instead of, “If I’m feeling this way, I should lean into people and I bet I will feel better faster.”

Understanding Rising Suicide Rates Among Youth

It’s such an interesting concept. The instinct, at least for younger people, is to not, but I like how you said that. That’s certainly a big one for young people. Another big one is the statistics for mental health are not great. Especially for our younger population, let’s say high school and college-aged, the suicide rate has climbed to number two in terms of cause of death. To give our audience a sense, a couple of years ago, it was twelve. It has clearly risen. It’s a topic nobody likes to talk about, but unfortunately, it’s right there in our faces often. I’m curious. As you listen to the stats moving in the wrong direction, what are your thoughts as to why they might be?

I’ll go back to more of what I hear because I do a lot of reading of that. Any of these statistics are always troubling when they’re trending in a direction. They’ve been encompassing more demographics of young people where we’re seeing Black and Brown young people were more protected from this and we’re seeing an uptick. There’s so much to pay attention to.

A lot of where our focus is is on suicide protection. How do you get more people with eyes and ears on colleagues, friends, and people they’re around and then notice the signs or notice when people are withdrawing, when they seem agitated, when their personality changes, and things like that, and then know how to say it? It’s not what to say but how to say and direct it. Especially in something like that where you need to ask direct questions, much of it is going against the stream of like, “What if I say something I’m not supposed to say?” It’s like, “We need you to say something and acknowledge.”

We do a lot of practicing to get people more comfortable with that conversation. There’s no script or anything, but more of some points of like, “Here’s where you lean in. Here’s a persistent push to go a little bit further. Don’t let somebody say, “I’m fine,” and then go, “Okay,” and move on. Go ahead and do some persistence.

I was mentioning working with the Military. The rates there been high for active duty as well. It has gone in that direction.  We’re in this emerging adult. One of the things I find so fascinating is that years ago, I felt like this emerging adult was part of adult. That could’ve been my naivety. It was like, “You’re not a kid but you’re not an adult-adult. It feels like it’s been carved a little deeper over the last couple of years for all the reasons that we know where the needs are different but unique. This is a group that wants you to understand them and isn’t accepting to get some generalized help. They want us as people in their lives to understand what’s happening.

I meet more people who have been impacted in some form or fashion by suicide. People are alarmed. We’re alarmed by it, but it is also remembering there’s so much before. There’s so much space there before that and the things that happened over time before we even get to that conversation. I feel like empowering people from all walks of life to be able to recognize the signs, say what needs to be said, ask questions, lean in, and know how to get people help is part of the strategy. It’s not the whole part. There’s so much before that that we’re seeing in everybody’s day-to-day life. There is a lot of noise.

No doubt. Mental health first aid is something that comes to mind. It’s been taught a lot in both high school and college campuses to get people to understand what those signs are. I love that phrase, suicide protection. I haven’t heard that before. I’m going to reuse that. Hopefully, that’s okay.

It’s not mine. There’s a good distinction because it feels like we’re all part of something in protection.

We want a happy and healthy workplace with happy and healthy people. This requires effort and the right level setting of expectations. Share on X

It’s wise to say it that way. It’s an unfortunate part of the trend but it is part of the trend. We need to acknowledge that and then look at the things that we can do. There’s a lot that goes on before a person takes their own life. Honestly, as I talk to my colleagues frequently, it’s pretty rare that I talk to someone who isn’t around it. It has become more pervasive and out there.

It’s part of the landscape and us looking at what are those things we’re able to do to help protect those individuals that might be sliding down that slope. Your words were wise and important for young people to absorb. One of the big flaws that a lot of young people walk around thinking is, “Nobody will understand,” and yet there are a lot of people out there who understand.

I also feel like people want to connect with other people. You want to lean in. If I knew that somebody I didn’t even know was suffering in some way, I wouldn’t even hesitate. It would be a natural lean-in. We’re all built that way. What I do find though is the fear of saying the wrong thing, messing it up, or feeling uncomfortable. That’s part of what we’re trying to break through. This generation is going to be the one to do it. I believe they’re so primed, so leaned in, and so interested.

Our model has always been listening to what people want and need, helping them get what they want and need, and then finding out if it is working or helping. If not, we’re going to keep iterating and keep supporting. The more you listen to folks and you’re not trying to give them something they’re not asking for, they trust you for sure, but they see that you’re invested. They’re then more willing to share with you the real intricacies of how they’re thinking, how they’re relating to information, and how they’re making decisions.

A lot of what we try to do is make sure that people get to be in the space that they’re at but add to it. We talk a lot about drinking. Young people mostly don’t have a defined relationship with alcohol or drugs. They’re still figuring that out. How do you preserve where they’re at? You can add options like, “Did you ever think that you could do a two-and-done instead of full abstinence?” which isn’t always realistic to talk about.

Maybe a tool in there is mindful drinking where you have a plan for that evening before you even leave. Are you going to do two and you’re going to get an Uber, and you’re going to go home by 10:00 so you can get steady? It’s things like that. We see with young people that if you engage in the conversation and they’re contributing to it, they are more receptive to go, “I could add that. I might not do it, but now I have 4 things that I’ll do instead of 3.”

I like how you said that. I had someone ask me many years ago, “How do you work with teenagers? They don’t talk to me,” or something like that. I said, “The premise of my style is non-judgment.” Kids walk into my office and I give them the benefit of the doubt right off the bat, and they know that. They begin to trust me as a result of that and they’re able to work with me. That’s what you’re talking about. It’s the non-judgment piece.

Instead of us as adults telling them, “You have to do this,” let’s meet them where they are. It’s like, “Let’s figure this out together.” I also love what you said earlier. I do agree with you. With this generation, as ugly as the statistics are, the upside is that they are going to be way more open and have been way more open about mental health and some of the solutions that are out there and helping kids. I agree with you on that one.

Building A Culture Of Mental Health Awareness

What’s interesting about that, too, is that there is going to be convergence. All these social institutions and emerging adults are trying to do their part and realizing that it has to be a together thing. Your business is not going to take care of all your mental health needs. The sooner you come up with that, probably the happier you’re going to be. You have a responsibility to yourself to lean into some of these practices and tools, educate yourself, and do your part.

There’s the middle part, which is where we all need to grab things that are available or not available in a lot of ways. It’s that, “Now is a time that I do need a mental health professional. Now is a time when I need a peer supporter. Do I need that friend I can ugly cry with?” You have to start pulling things into your life. That becomes some of the empowerment.

When I was coming up, you went where other people pushed you. It was like, “You need a therapist,” or, “You need this.” You’re always waiting for something else to happen as you are going. There’s a triggering event that pushes you on it rather than you saying, “This is a time where I’m recognizing that I need additional help or I need some support, or I need to ask a question.”

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Dr. Trina Clayeux | Mental Health

 

This, to me, is some of the most exciting work, which is how you help equip emerging adults or young adults and how you help equip a business, an industry, and a workplace to bring these things together so everyone has roles and responsibilities but you’re all working towards the same thing. We want a happy, healthy workplace. We want to be happy, healthy people, hopefully, but it does require effort and a level-setting of expectations too.

You made me think in terms of work. People are asking about vision, dental, and whatnot. It’s another thing that an adult does in terms of maintenance of self. If it’s time to see a therapist, go see a therapist. If it’s time to do something else, then go do something else. Those are the choices that people make. You’re either maintaining yourself or you’re not. I like that last thought of working together to get to a common place of happiness. Let’s face it. We all want to be happy in life. Let me ask you one last question. Can I put you on the spot for a second?

Okay.

Encouraging Open Conversations About Mental Health

I created this show so that we could have open dialogue, which we’ve had here. I’m so thankful we’ve had it with you Trina. To keep the conversation moving forward, I generally ask people to nominate a friend, a coworker, or a relative, someone who you think would be great for me to interview next. Any thoughts in terms of a person who would be good to have on the show?

I do. I have a colleague that I’ve worked with, Jenn Graham, who is the CEO of Inclusivv. This is so in line. They do work around civil discourse and topics such as mental health. It is teaching people to have productive, balanced, and curious conversations in the workplace and elsewhere. It is more of a movement of civility around mental health. She’s a ball of joy, too.

Thank you for the nomination. I’ll get her information from you offline. I’ll look to get in touch with her and have her on the show at some point soon. More importantly, thank you for your time and spending it with us and giving us your perspective on mental health and wellness.

Thank you. I appreciate it. I enjoyed talking with you.

I did as well. Have a great day.

Thank you.

Take care.

 

Important Links

 

About Dr. Trina Clayeux

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Dr. Trina Clayeux | Mental HealthDr. Trina Clayeux brings a wealth of executive experience in workforce development and mental health to her role as CEO of Give an Hour. With a proven history of visionary leadership and innovation, she has made significant contributions in enhancing access and the delivery of vital services within her field.

Her career spans various impactful roles, including tenure as Chief Operations Officer for social impact organizations, director and assistant dean for community college systems, and multistate coordination of a Department of Defense base realignment event and a national corporate network for military spouse employment. Having herself been a military and veteran spouse for many years, she possesses an innate understanding of the distinctive challenges and opportunities inherent in this community, making her a dedicated advocate for their personal and professional growth.

Dr. Clayeux holds a Ph.D. in Leadership Studies from Gonzaga University, a Master of Public Administration from Portland State University, and multiple certifications that underscore her commitment to excellence in her field. She has received recognition from esteemed organizations such as the National Association of Development Boards for her innovative approaches and the Sailing Award for leadership excellence.

Moreover, Dr. Clayeux’s fervent dedication to knowledge sharing and catalyzing positive change has led her to present at numerous state and national conferences. Her presentations have covered topics that include optimizing employer and employee performance through person-centric design, to cultivating trauma-informed workplaces, and implementing contextual mental health practices that foster social connections and high-performance outcomes.

In her present role at Give an Hour, Dr. Clayeux continues to harness her executive acumen, profound expertise, and unyielding commitment to enhancing lives, grounded in the belief that each one of us can contribute to the betterment of mental health, for life. Most recently Dr. Clayeux is leading the way with the mental health ‘Pod Squad’, a leadership group with the Stand Together Foundation; as well as developing the Veteran Workforce Toolkit in Partnership with The University of Phoenix.

In her downtime, Trina enjoys athletic activities and completed a full Ironman, two half Ironman’s and hundreds of running events. She remains active with her husband, a retired veteran of 26 years, and two children.

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Laura Saunders | Young People

 

The rising number of young people struggling with anxiety and depression in this post-pandemic world is alarming. Social media and the rapid evolution of technology are not helpful to this unfortunate reality as well. Marc Lehman sits down with Dr. Laura Saunders, a staff psychologist at the Institute of Living/Hartford Hospital, to discuss how parents should guide young people in dealing with their inner battles. They talk about the hidden benefits of allowing children to experience failure and the importance of encouraging them to leave their comfort zone. Dr. Laura also delves into the dangers of social media, particularly how it pushes the youth to embrace and normalize the culture of comparison and isolation.

Watch the episode here

 

Listen to the podcast here

 

Anxiety And Depression In Young People With Dr. Laura Saunders

Welcome, everybody. Welcome to the show that openly talks about mental health and wellness. I am super excited to welcome Dr. Laura Saunders. Welcome, Laura.

Thank you.

She is a staff psychologist working at the Institute of Living here in Hartford at Hartford Hospital. She’s a Director of the new initiative, the Center for Gender Health, at Hartford Healthcare. Dr. Saunders, in 2015, was named the Employee of the Year by Hartford Hospital. In 2019, Dr. Saunders was the recipient of the Ned Graffagnino Award for distinguished service in the area of community-oriented work and collaboration with other mental health professionals.

Her areas of expertise include LGBTQ, mental health, child psychopathology, behavioral management, parent training, and family therapy. Laura also appears regularly in local TV news to provide psychological commentary on various topics relevant to youth and family. She has two segments called Checking In on WFSB Channel 3, the Great Day Connecticut Show, related to child and family Health. Dr. Saunders, thank you so much for spending some time with us. How are you?

I’m doing well. How are you?

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Laura Saunders | Young People

 

 

Dr. Laura Saunders’ Mental Health Program

Fantastic. I’m super excited to speak with you. The topic of mental health and wellness is certainly near and dear to both of us with the work that we do. I would love to start off, if it’s okay, by talking with you about what it is that you do specifically at the Institute of Living and telling us a bit about your program.

I want to give a little background because that helps give it a little bit more context. In the early part of my career, I spent about eighteen years in a child and adolescent inpatient unit here at the Institute of Living. I was working with all children and adolescents with moderate to severe psychopathology. That’s where I got my core understanding of trauma and complex trauma and how waves of issues affect our young people.

From there, I started a program at the Institute Living, an intensive outpatient program specifically for LGBTQ youth and young adults. That was a sideline expertise that I’d had for a long time, and then they tapped me to start this program. The division of Young Adult Services here is working on creating specialty tracks to meet more specific needs.

From there, I saw the need for trans and gender-diverse folks to support them in their medical transition. In the beginning, I was making all referrals for medical transition outside the Hartford Hospital and Hartford Healthcare System. I said, “This doesn’t make any sense to me. We’re a large hospital system. Am I making all these referrals outside of the hospital?”

From that point, I began the work. I did some leadership training, got to know the system a lot better, and began the work of developing this new initiative at Hartford Healthcare. We call it the Center for Gender Health. It’s to support trans and gender-diverse individuals, teens, young adults, and adults stepping into their medical transition. We offer a multidisciplinary clinic that has primary care, endocrinology, psychiatry, and psychology. We make referrals for plastic surgery, urology, GYN care, voice therapy, and rehab. We do a lot of work in supporting our young people.

Post-COVID Increase In Anxiety And Depression

Amazing work. Being a local clinician in the area, I have to say I consider myself really lucky to have access to a program like that. I see you as a pioneer in that field, creating this program and recognizing the need. I’m sure many young people who have come through benefited tremendously. It’s amazing. You and I have been doing this for quite some time. In our careers, things have changed a bunch. Certainly, on a general level, both you and I have seen anxiety and depression go up tremendously in the last couple of years. I’ll ask you a really big question. I’m curious. What goes into that? What do you think are some of the factors that have led to such an increase?

I am a big podcast listener. I love to listen to podcasts from all different kinds of people. There was a podcast that I had listened to a while back that talked about the change in the trajectory of parenting and mental health. It started in the ‘90s with this concept of stranger danger. There were movies about it. It created this phenomenon where parents became hypervigilant about their children.

When I grew up, and certainly probably when you grew up too, in the summer on the weekends, I would leave the house in the morning, go out, venture through the neighborhood, and find people to play with or play semi-organized games of kickball, softball, or whatever else we wanted to do. I had a tremendous amount of freedom as a young person. That also meant that, not so much for me, but my brothers made a lot of dumb mistakes. That’s how you learn. You learned a lot from that.

I wasn’t necessarily coming back and reporting to my parents all the things that I did nor did they ask, but this concept of stranger danger changed that trajectory. It made parents believe, and falsely believe, that the world’s a dangerous place. I’m also taking into account here that not a week goes by where we don’t hear about a school shooting or other kinds of things. Those are some bigger contextual social issues that are not being well addressed, but that’s probably not for this show.

That’s where this whole concept of the play date came out. I’m not going to let my child roam free. I want to arrange a date for them where someone comes to our house or my child goes to their house and they play for a prescribed period of time. It changed the worldview of a lot of people. In that, it created a lot of restrictions and also deficits in socialization. I do a lot of work certainly with trans youth, but even my private practice and the segments I do on Channel 3 WFSB talk about general child mental health. I have seen it change drastically in the last couple of years. It honestly got, and I’m sure you saw this as well, significantly worse during COVID.

You make a great point. I hadn’t quite thought of it in that context, so I appreciate you bringing that up. From our parents’ generation to our generation of parenting, there’s been a really different perspective on things. That has certainly translated and been handed down to the generation of youth who oftentimes don’t experience things nearly the same as we did when we were kids.

When they’re experiencing anxieties, they’re highly sensitive. Many young people haven’t had their first real stressor sometimes until their senior year of high school when they don’t get into the right college. Having done this for many years, I continue to be surprised by that because, to me, it feels late to be experiencing that type of stuff. Certainly, COVID had a huge impact on all of this.

How Young People Should Deal With Stressors

Certainly, as we’re looking through our high schools and our colleges, there are so many kids out there with major stressors. Some kids have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and some kids have not, but the majority of the kids are feeling it. They’re feeling that level of stress. I’m wondering. In your work with young people, what are some of the things that young people can do to combat those types of stressors?

It’s twofold. Sometimes, they’re not hitting some of their major challenges in senior year in high school. I think to myself, “Why is that?” It’s the concept of what they call the helicopter parent or the lawnmower parent. There are generational backlashes, but many parents prevent bad things from happening to their children. I’m not talking about safety issues. Safety issues need to be addressed always. I’m talking about a lot of the little failures that happen, like getting cut from a team or having some negative peer interactions. I’m not talking about bullying. I’m talking about regular, typical everyday conflicts between kids that they need to sort out on their own. If it reaches a safety level, that’s a different standard.

You’re saying experience, like having the experience and getting through it.

You have to experience those disappointments and failures because that’s where a lot of the learning takes place. I  know that you have seen this because this is the work that you’re doing, but I hear anecdotally about so many young people going off to college and having significant adjustment issues. The first year of college for kids that go away to school or even kids that commute to school is one of the biggest adjustment periods in early development but they’re having worse problems because they don’t know how to manage some of the stressors.

You have to experience disappointments and failures. That’s where a lot of learning takes place. Share on X

One of the big things also has to do with this huge surge in young people diagnosing themselves with social anxiety and then believing that the cure for social anxiety is to stay at home, do online things, or play video games. That is not how you manage social anxiety. I’m not saying to throw your young person into a den of people and make them talk to every single person. It’s the social isolation that happens in this world that we’re in where so many friendships are online or so much of their free time is through video games that they don’t learn the skills of social interaction. Social isolation is gasoline on the fire of depression. We really need to look out for how we can better challenge our young people to have more of those skills because that’s the only way that you’re going to be able to deal with the challenges of life.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Laura Saunders | Young People

 

I found myself saying a lot with young people in school when we were learning how to do math, for example, “Part of the learning process is making mistakes. Eventually, you master it and then you move on to whatever the next complex math would be.” For some reason, there’s been this detour socially with young people.

I agree with you. The concept of isolation has been really horrible for so many kids. If I could twist some of what you said into this concept of what parents can do, what I’m hearing you say is what parents can do is force kids to be more out there, whether it be hanging out with other kids, joining clubs or activities, trying to figure out what they enjoy and what they don’t, maybe getting a part-time job as they get a little bit older, which I don’t see kids doing anymore, or dealing with a tough customer. Those are experiences that teach them things and to be able to become resilient and come back from that so that they’re not thrown completely off base when they’re dealing with stuff like that.

The suggestion is a helpful one. I really want parents in my audience to pay attention because this type of stuff starts at home. It starts with parents saying, “What can we do?” Devices, whether it be phones, iPads, or computers, don’t teach kids a ton of things. Certainly, they don’t teach kids about interaction and socialization. More parents should be pushing their kids to be out there and to be involved in activities.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Laura Saunders | Young People

 

What social media has done for a lot of young people is it has created this comparison culture. I have all these little phrases. Comparison is the thief of joy. If I see that someone had this fantastic weekend and they get along great with everyone and do all these fun things, and then here I am, I was at home and I cleaned all weekend, that comparison as a general rule makes us feel bad about ourselves.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Share on X

For young people, it’s what they see through all these social media apps like Snapchat. You look on Snap Maps and realize that three of your friends are in the same place and you weren’t invited. That creates this sense of like, “What is wrong with me? Why don’t people like me?” Sometimes, you can’t invite everyone. You have to manage those things. Sometimes, as adults, we don’t get invited to every dinner party and gathering. We have to learn to manage those things.

The Many Challenges Of Parenting Today

I say all the time that parenting is the hardest job. Honestly, parenting young people in this day and age is particularly hard. It has different challenges than it did many years ago. It is the hardest job. I ‘m a huge proponent of getting a part-time job. Once you’re sixteen years old, you get a part-time job. Not only is it a little bit of money in your pocket, which equals independence, but it is also dealing with people and life challenges. We’re not talking about high-level jobs. We’re talking about working at the local grocery store and doing something that gets you out of the house and creates challenges for you to have to manage.

I’m so glad you said that. You made two really important points I want to touch on. One is parents pulling back, which is so hard for some parents but necessary. If you’ve got a kid who’s college-bound and they’re a sophomore or junior and they’re growing but you’re still doing way too much for them, you have to, as a parent, question how they are possibly going to be ready to leave your house in a year and a half. I see some parents keep doing that, and then their kid graduates and they think magically that their kids are going to learn how to do these things. It is a real struggle. It is more of a struggle for a kid who has a parent doing everything for them when they go to college than vice versa, in my opinion.

This is not meant to criticize. Parents act with the best of intentions. As a sociological study, in my generation of kids growing up, we were so independent. We want to lessen some of the challenges and burdens for our kids. It’s coming from a good place, but those challenges and those burdens are really where all the learning takes place.

I do worry a lot about young people because I do think it’s harder. This is where social media has made life a lot harder. There are different challenges, but it’s doing something outside of your comfort zone. I love sports for young people, but if you’re not into sports, join a painting class, the chess club, the robotics team, the Italian club, or the Spanish club. Do something that’s outside your comfort zone a little bit and makes you interact with people that you wouldn’t typically interact with. It is doing things that are outside your comfort zone and for parents to actively encourage that.

Nowadays, living is a lot harder for young people. Share on X

If you’re a parent out there and you have a kid who says, “No,” at every turn, continue to come up with and brainstorm ideas. There will be something out there that they have a little interest in. You give them a little bit of a push to say, “Go to this painting class. See what you think,” or, “Go to this photography class. See what you think.”

The Right Management Of Social Media

I’ve seen it hundreds of times over the years where kids will do those things and, all of a sudden, they find something that they’re passionate about or, even better, kids there that they connect with, which is awesome. You mentioned social media a few times. I wanted to touch on that. I feel like that is probably at least a ten-hour conversation we could have about how it’s affecting kids.

One gentleman I interviewed a few months ago was talking about the impact of Instagram and how that seems to really affect females in particular. It creates this culture of comparison, this culture of needing to look a certain way and act a certain way, and that whole conversation around likes, follows, and all of that and how that impacts self-worth. It’s a huge topic but I want to talk to you for a few minutes about social media. Are there any suggestions as a parent and a clinician you might have for parents around the management of social media?

It starts with, as much as possible, delaying when kids get smartphones. Once they have a smartphone that connects to the Wi-Fi and the internet, they can have access to most things. Let’s face it. Young people are smarter about technology than their parents. Even if you put all sorts of parental controls on, they get around things and they do it in such a way that you’re like, “How the heck did you get that? I thought I blocked it.”

Young people are smarter about technology than their parents. They can easily get around parental controls in their mobile devices. Share on X

There are a lot of movements out there. Wait Until 8th is one of them. They have different websites not letting your children get smartphones until they’re thirteen years old. The 13-year-old brain is not a well-thinking brain, but at least it’s better than someone getting at age 10. It is waiting as long as you can and also trying to have some open dialogue about the things that they’re seeing.

I worked with someone one time who was a thirteen-year-old. They did have a phone and they desperately wanted Snapchat. The mom would block them and then they would find a way around it. They would get on it and then they’d lose their phone for a period of time, and then they’d be upset. The reality is that is the way young people communicate with each other.

They don’t do what I did, which was we had one phone with a long extension cord in the kitchen. If I wanted to talk to my friend in high school, I had to sit in the dining room with a long cord and talk in the dining room. Talking on the phone was the way that we communicated. The way young people communicate is through social media.

She would take her phone away for a protracted period of time so she’d have no way to contact friends, and then she’d become more angry and irritable. It was this cycle. I said, “How can we manage this differently?” If she wants this app, you’re on it with her and you’re monitoring it. Instead of banning things, because then they circumvent it, you’re on it too. Anything that she sends has to be sent to you also. It is finding more creative ways to manage things because putting a ban on something often means they’re going to sneak and get it anyway. Finding more creative ways as parents to delay, monitor, or create open dialogues is the better way to deal with all of this.

We need to get to that acceptance place where kids have that mode of thought around technology and will always be ahead of us on some of that. One of the best things I’ve heard so far since I started this show is when I had a mom reach out to me and she said, “We read one of your interviews, me and my fifteen-year-old together, and it created an open conversation around mental health.” I thought, “How awesome.”

That’s why I created this. I want people to have these open conversations. Part of that is social media and getting kids to understand that as much as it has its positive components, there’s a downside to it. There’s a reason why the Sergeant General put out their warning about it and its impact on young people and their mental health.

Dr. Laura’s Nominee For Next Guest And Closing Words

I appreciate your suggestion. It’s a good middle-of-the-road. It’s a good way for parents to create, “We can have this, but we need to have it in a safe fashion in the house.” Along those lines, one of the things that I often ask people that come on is for them to nominate a friend, a coworker, or a relative to keep the conversation going. You’ve been so kind with your time, energy, and suggestions. Any thoughts in terms of who you’d like to nominate for one of our future shows?

I’d like to nominate a colleague of mine, Dr. David Bendor. He’s a psychologist here at the Institute of Living. He runs our medical track in Young Adult Services. That is the combination of young people who have medical issues, whether it be diabetes, Crohn’s disease, or any number of different things, and then have co-occurring mental health issues. He looks at the way that medical and psychological issues blend. The reality is a lot of young people don’t have the words necessary to express how they feel, so it isn’t pretty common that somatic complaints are the way that young people express how they feel. Understanding the interplay between medical issues and psychological issues is critical.

Many young people do not have the words necessary to express how they feel. They turn to somatic complaints to reveal their feelings. Share on X

I know Dr. Bendor really well. I appreciate that nomination. David, you’re up next. Two pioneers in the field, Laura, with yourself, and certainly, David Bendor. If IOL doesn’t know it yet, they should. I appreciate you nominating him. I want to thank you for your time and energy. I know you’re super busy. Your thoughts on these topics and subjects are so helpful. Thank you for being here. I really appreciate it.

Thank you for having me.

Have a wonderful day. Take care.

Thank you.

 

Important Links

 

About Laura Saunders

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Laura Saunders | Young PeopleLaura M. I. Saunders, Psy.D. ABPP is a staff psychologist working at the Institute of Living/Hartford Hospital. She is also Board Certified in Clinical Psychology. She is the Director of the new initiative, the Center for Gender Health at Hartford Healthcare In 2015, Dr. Saunders was named the Employee of the Year for Hartford Hospital.

In 2019, Dr. Saunders was the recipient of the Ned Graffagnino Award for distinguished service in the areas of community-oriented work and collaboration with other mental health professionals. Areas of expertise include LGBTQ mental health, child psychopathology, behavior management, parent training and family therapy.

She appears regularly in local TV news to provide psychological commentary on topics relevant to youth and families and currently has two weekly segments called “Checking In” on WFSB/Ch.3, the Great Day CT show, related to child and family mental health.

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Shannon ONeil | Mental Health

 

In today’s high-pressure world of youth sports, mental health is often overlooked. Shannon ONeil, a seasoned lacrosse coach with more than 15 years of experience, joins Marc Lehman to discuss the importance of mental health care for young people in sports. As the head coach at IMG Academy, Shannon has transformed the girls’ lacrosse program into a national powerhouse with a focus beyond winning. She emphasizes why it is vital to create a fun and supportive environment where young athletes can thrive and develop a deep love for their sport. Gain valuable insights on navigating

Watch the episode here

 

Listen to the podcast here

 

Balancing High Performance With Mental Health With Shannon ONeil

Everybody, welcome to the show. This is the show where we talk openly about mental health and wellness. We are welcoming in coach Shannon ONeil. Shannon, welcome. We are joined by Shannon. She is from the IMG Academy Lacrosse Program with fifteen years of experience leading young women to success on and off the lacrosse field at the high school and collegiate levels.

Shannon is a native of Newburgh, New York. She attended Villanova and became a two-time All-American and team captain there. She is still second in Villanova’s all-time Women’s lacrosse record books for total career points, assists, and ground balls. Shannon currently leads the girl’s lacrosse program at IMG Academy in Florida. In her first years at IMG, the program size has almost doubled.

The nation and the national team have risen from being unranked to 40th in the country. The team is hoping to break the top 25 rankings this spring, but she didn’t just move to Bradenton to win. Shannon’s mission since day one has been to create the best female high school playing experience in the world for young women who love to compete. She credits the program’s early success to two main factors, a persistent commitment to ensure her athletes have fun while chasing her biggest dreams and relentless pursuits to create an environment where young women learn to genuinely root for one another.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Shannon ONeil | Mental Health

 

Shannon, thank you so much. Welcome.

Thanks so much for having me.

Of course, absolutely. Now that I’ve thoroughly screwed up your intro.

You’re good. That’s the worst part.

Rise Of Anxiety & Depression In Young Athletes

I don’t want to jump into the topic at hand. Mental health and wellness obviously has just incrementally grown and as I’m sure your occupational path of coaching has you around young people all the time. You probably cannot help but hear about and talk about and maybe even see some of the dramatic spikes in both depression, anxiety, and even other things on and off the field. Is that something that you’ve recognized over the years?

Yeah, we definitely have seen a spike. I had left the coaching world for a bit and came back into this world, and I would certainly say it’s different nowadays. I cannot quite figure out if there’s this awesome phenomenon that the younger generations. They’re really comfortable talking about mental health. I don’t know if it’s so much so that people are feeling more anxiety and other studies that say there are and I’m sure that is the case with social media and that thing. I really think that kids are just really comfortable sharing some of that sometimes. That piece I think is really cool and really neat.

Defining Self-Care For Young Athletes

I agree. I think that’s a really good positive spin on what’s happened. I totally agree. Over the years, I’ve noticed that tremendously with young people there’s just a comfort in this topic area. Certainly, kids talking about therapy, kids talking about getting help, and kids coming to people that are in their world that are trusted adults like coaches, like assistant coaches, like physical therapists, like people around them where they look for that.

They look for that ally and look for that conversation. That’s a really positive point, Shannon. I totally agree. I’m curious, I know as a coach, there’s so much more to your job than practices and games. I’m curious the phrase self-care gets thrown out, thrown around a lot. As a therapist, I talk about it a lot. When you think of self-care for your athletes, what does self-care mean to you?

It’s funny, we put into place, last year we put something new into place, it’s called a Protect Your Peace Pass. We actually physically give our kids tickets that are designed to help them wake up in the morning and just say like, “Today, I’m not feeling this.” We give them two passes a semester.

I love it.

Like this is what I self-care. It’s like, I think we’re pretty good at and coaches on the whole are getting good at identifying, “This kid might be struggling a little bit and reaching out and being proactive.” I think there are days that are just harder and more difficult for some reason, whatever that reason might be. We actually here in our program, we developed these to protect your peace passes that our kids have gotten pretty comfortable using those, which is great. That’s the whole point of them but that piece says to them like you literally just have to text the coaches and say, “I’m using my protect your peace pass today and there’s no explanation.”

There are no questions. It could be the day before a game. It can be the day before a test, whatever that thing might be that’s causing them extra stress and we give them a couple of passes that way. For me, like for our self-care stuff, that’s one thing. The other things we’ve put in place that I think are really helpful like we meet every day now. These kids are different. They do have anxiety. They’re anxious about what’s coming next a lot. I personally think it’s just a theory that because they have access to so much information all the time when they don’t know something, it really is anxiety-inducing.

We meet in a locker room every day, fifteen minutes before practice starts, and we literally go through everything that’s going to happen at practice. They don’t have to walk out to practice thinking, “We need to run today. How much are we going to run? What are we going to do?” We’ll draw up if we’re doing new drills or something. We’ll draw those up just to take some of that stuff off for them.

I think for me personally, like I did come back into this world. I’ve got fourteen nieces and nephews. I came back into this world because I had felt that shifting even in my own family. I just thought like, “What can I do to give back?” When we’re here every day, we get up every day. I have three other full-time female coaching staff members and we get up every day in the whole focus of our planning is how do we make this a wonderful day for these kids. Some of that is really focused on what is the best way for us to allow them self-care. There’s just some of that.

I love that. Predictability. That’s huge.

It’s huge.

Supporting Athletes Through The Recruiting Journey

You made me think of two things. I was thinking of grade school, and elementary school when they’d put the the schedule up on the board. Good for young kids. They know what’s coming and I think that’s true for older kids as well. I think probably brings their anxiety down, knowing what’s coming. The second thing I thought of, and this is tough, and I’m curious your thoughts on this, is recruiting. Recruiting is a process that is anything but predictable. You guys can help them with your half, but obviously the rest of the country in terms of where they’re recruited is a very unpredictable thing. I’m curious, I mean, that’s a huge topic, but I’m curious, what’s that like from your perspective?

It’s crazy. It is definitely unpredictable. I would say for sure it’s the biggest stress-inducing year. Our recruiting year in lacrosse is after sophomore summer. It’s right now for about twelve of our kids. It’s been a lot. I will tell you, it is as stressful for the players as it is for the families. We do a lot of work just helping everybody take a deep breath. The mantra we use a lot here is we don’t get you recruited, you get you recruited. That’s number one.

If people feel like they’re empowered to actually carve their own path, I think that’s also really helpful for young women to understand. Nobody can make a phone call and just drop an offer in your lap. This is such a wonderful time to be a female student-athlete. The opportunities that our kids have these days are off the charts compared to even 2, or 3 years ago. That’s really neat. We help them embrace like, “This is a wonderfully exciting time.”

Like you are getting opportunities that you have not been able to get for years. That’s really cool. I think one, helping young women or young athletes understand they own this piece. Like we can put you in the right positions. We can get you playing your best. When you show up and you play in front of college coaches you have to deliver and so you own that. That’s a powerful thing I think for our kids but it is not easy.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Shannon ONeil | Mental Health

 

Again, we talk about what we do, what we can control and there are things we cannot control. Like you can control how hard you’re working. You can control a couple of things, but some things you cannot control. You cannot control what a college coach looks for in that particular year, or whether they need your particular position for that particular year, and all these sorts of things.

It reminds me a lot of regular college admissions. Sometimes for the first time, kids are getting rejections from schools they thought was a sure thing. I watch my own patients that I work with they’ll submit on November 1st and they’re just waiting and waiting. There’s literally nothing they can do at that point. They just have to wait and realize, “If I’ve done my job and I’ve put my apps out there, I’ll get in.” One thing I see, and I’m curious about your thoughts on this, is that a lot of young people, whether they’re athletes or non-athletes, they tie it to future happiness. If I don’t get into the right school, somehow my life is changed.

I think there’s two things going on that we fight against all the time. For us, and it is very similar to the general college admissions. Having a really tight, small list like you grew up saying, “I want to go here.” That is a real challenge in today’s world, whether you’re an athlete or not because the opportunities are just slimmer. Honestly, like everybody has really good grades. That’s where they’re headed.

I think that’s one thing going on like, “Can we get a broad list?” Tell me not what schools you want to go to. Tell me what you want out of a school. Do you want to be in an urban area? Do you want to study business? Tell me those things and we can get a list together that gives you an opportunity to be successful. I think that’s number one, that’s been helpful in that process.

The other thing, and this obviously, but like my favorite quote is, and we talk about this a lot with our kids, “Comparison is a thief of joy.” There is like, it’s too easy now to compare consistently like every day, waking up, seeing fifteen commitments, seeing twenty, “I’m better than her. I did this better than her. I went to a thing with her.” We really try to help kids focus on their journey and their own timeline because it’s intense for sure.

Comparison is the thief of joy. It has become too easy to constantly compare yourself to others. Share on X

It’s intense and it’s individualized. There are around 5,000 colleges out there. One would think there’d be more than one right school. I like how you said that. I think that’s really spot on what do you want to get out of this experience? I think that their answer is probably something that can be applied to a lot of different schools and a lot of different school settings.

I think it really shifts the conversation and we’re working on that here because I think the norm is to go out and say, “What are your top ten schools?” We do it in admissions and we do it for athletes and it’s like, “Really you don’t make the decision.” The college coach makes the decision. The admissions office makes the decision, so you don’t really get to just say where you want to go and get one of those opportunities. We work on that a lot. I think for a lot of our kids these days, just because of, I don’t know, lots of things you probably know better than I do, but this may be their first disappointment.

From their families, this might be the first disappointment they need to endure for their child. If you’re a parent, you understand that most parents really mean well. Like it is not, it’s a visceral reaction to watch your child hurt. That’s really what’s happening. You’ll hear people in sports talk about the parents this, the parents are crazy, the parents are this. If you’re a parent yourself of an athlete or a college-age student, you realize like really, they’re just hurting for their child and they don’t have control over the outcome either. That’s really hard for parents to get in line with. It’s hard.

How Young Athletes Can Manage Their Stress Levels

I think along those lines, Shannon, we so often we talk about things like anxiety and depression, and the opposite of unhappiness is happiness. What’s going to make their child happy, what they think is going to make their child happy is what they’re what they’re pushing for, which makes total sense. I think that along those lines, one of the things that I find myself talking a lot about in this show is how to make environments successful.

What is it that a young person needs to do? Staff can offer certain things like you were just talking about before, but not every student takes it upon themselves to use those things. Let’s put ourselves in their shoes for a minute. We’re a high-level athlete, we go to IMG Academy, we have great staff around us. What is it that we need to do as an athlete, as a teen, as a high school athlete to be able to manage our own stress levels? What comes to mind? What sorts of things would you say they should do?

I think the hardest thing and we’re reminding our kids all the time, this is actually the fun part. When you’re at IMG, you are at school with 1,500 teenagers that are chasing their dreams. It doesn’t mean they’re perfect. It doesn’t mean they’re perfect athletes. It just means they’ve got a goal and they’re chasing it, which is really cool. When you walk on this campus, you can feel that energy, which is nice. It gives you that energy as well. The thing I’m always reminding our kids about in particular is like, this is actually supposed to be fun.

If you’re showing up for, if you’re at IMG and you’re coming to practice and you’re dreading it and you’re saying, “We should be somewhere else.” That’s not actually what it’s supposed to feel like. For us, when you come to one of our practices, you will see my best players all the way down to the players that need the most development. You will see them dancing. You will see them singing in line. You will see them chit-chat, laughing, because that’s the energy that we bring as a coaching staff because I think that kids are at their peak performance and successful when they’re having fun.

Somewhere along the way, we’ve stripped that from them and we’ve made this a business. Sports at 16, 15, and 17 years old, that’s not a business. You’re supposed to be making friendships, building relationships, and getting coaching relationships that you’ll have for a lifetime. All the things that we had growing up. We do a lot of surveying here at IMG, and some of my earliest comments, my first year here, my second year here, the kids would write, “She’s great, but she’s old school.”

I would say, “Yeah, I’m old school. I believe in fundamentals. I believe this should be fun and I believe you should have your best friends on the team.” Those are the three things. Here, I am super competitive. You probably know I have four older brothers. I want to win as much as anyone else, but that’s not the pinnacle of where we’re headed right now. What we talk about here is you root for each other everywhere. I think for an athlete to be successful, even at the next level, and they just don’t know this yet, you have to be able to genuinely be a great teammate.

For an athlete to be successful, even at the next level, you have to be a great teammate genuinely. Share on X

You have to understand the power of how powerful is it for a team and a group of young women to know that they actually have 39, 40 kids that want what’s best for them? That’s crazy. That’s what we focus on here. We don’t always get it right. The kids don’t always get it right. I think at the end of the day, that’s what we’re striving for every single day. Like can you root for each other genuinely on the field, in the classroom, online, in your Snapchat, like wherever that might be. I think that helps kids be successful, honestly.

Such a positive vibe. I think the other piece that probably doesn’t get talked about much is this is temporary. Like athletics is not a forever thing. Having coached my son and over the years and been around sports, I mean, I feel like athletics mimics life so often. Like you think about in adulthood, how many teams do you work on all day? To be a good teammate, whether you’re on an actual team, an athletic team, or as an adult on some other type of team, I think you’re teaching these kids how to do that and the importance and the value of that, which is huge, Shannon.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Shannon ONeil | Mental Health

 

Honestly, it’s what gets me up in the morning is why I came here. Also, we are having kids in the third grade worried about where they’re going to go to college or where they’re going to play in college. It’s like, we’re missing all of the development as a human because we’re so focused on that. I mean, we’re giving up family vacations for eleven years so that kids can go play college sports. You don’t have to do that.

That’s the other thing we do with our families here. It’s like, yes, there are important pieces to the puzzle. You have to play club in the summer. It’s a big recruiting tool, all of the things. Guess what? You can go to the beach for two weeks. We’re constantly like, we’re on the phone with our parents all the time. Like, “Do you think we should do, the parents will ask do you think we should do X, Y, Z?” Like, “She didn’t get into this thing. Great. Tell her congratulations. She didn’t get into that thing. She gets a weekend off.”

That’s honestly how I feel. I think my mission is to prove out that these girls can have fun, can take family vacations, and still can be elite athletes with all the opportunities that they would have had if they gave all of that stuff up. I just know it from personal experience. My son’s an athlete and we gave him a lot of vacations and a lot of time together and I would do anything to get that back. You don’t get those periods back. I guess it’s my mission to help families understand that they can reach their goals and still have some fun along the way.

I love it. I think it’s resisting that urge to be intense and of course, the urge to be intense just like quickly translates into anxiety and difficulties for kids, which makes their production go down, not up. I was laughing because as you said in third grade, I was like, “I was learning the rules to four square.”

I’m good at that game. Actually, I was really good at that game.

I’m in third grade and boy times have changed. I think that in many ways you’re such a good role model for these kids, because number one, you’ve achieved it yourself. Number two, you give them positive messages for them to take with them because they’re going to have intense coaches. They’re going to have intense teammates. No matter what you say or do, that’s going to be there at some point for them.

Impact Of COVID-19 On Student Athletes

Those are kids that have to decide, do I in fact embrace that intensity or am I able to really continue to enjoy the sport that I love while also enjoying life? Which is like a nice balance. I’m curious, I mean, you’ve been at IMG for a bit and I’m assuming you were there through COVID. I guess I’m wondering how would you say things have changed for kids since COVID has been less prevalent.

I came here actually the year that COVID stuff got lifted. I came on September of 21. It’s right at the tail end of that. I’m seeing what everyone else is seeing like it’s got used to being in their rooms and passing time in their room. We’ve got like, I don’t know if you’ve ever been here, but we have killer facilities here, honestly. That’s not a plug for IMG, I’m the same. Like we’ve got a pool here that would rival any pool these kids could ever swim in. The huge TV. You would think that they should be out there like they should be out hanging with their friends.

They have the time at night, they have all these things. I just say, I think the biggest impact of COVID is kids got really comfortable doing everything online, obviously, and texting. Again, we work on that. We have in-person meetings. Like when we have meetings, our kids put their phones up on the thing. They never have a phone with them. All the things to get better at communicating, I think is what we’re working on all the time. I think you see it. I’m sure in your work every single day. Again, it’s back to the comparison thing. Like we see it all the time. We just ask them to put their phones away a lot when they’re with us.

Addressing Suicide Concerns Among Student Athletes

I think it’s super helpful. I mean, we’re definitely seeing a trend. I think eventually it’d be nationally of high schools, really either banning phones or reducing phones and stuff like that. I think it’s wonderful. It gives kids a break. I’m curious, can I put you on the spot for a second and ask? I would imagine as a coach, you come across lots of different things. The one topic no one ever wants to talk about is suicide. Unfortunately, suicide is a very real thing. It is right now the second leading cause of death in young adults.

When you look at the population of like fifteen, so basically high school and college-age kids. It’s a topic that comes up and we cannot avoid it. I guess I’m wondering, if you had some words of wisdom or advice, if there was a player out there, maybe one of your players out there that had concern about a friend. Friend disclosed to them, “I’m really on edge. I’m thinking about this, this, and this.” What would you say to that one person? What words of wisdom would you offer to that student?

It’s a really hard one. We talk to our kids a lot about this. Like, best friends take care of each other. It’s emotional for me because we say this all the time in our office, “Not on my watch. I’m not going to go through that in my program.” We do talk to our kids about this. We do bring them in the office. If we think someone’s a friend of somebody that might be struggling, and we will say, “If you’re best friends, we need your help.” We can see lots of things, but we cannot always see the depth of what somebody’s feeling. I refer often. That’s all I’ll say.

We cannot always see the depth of what somebody is feeling. Everyone needs a little bit of support. Share on X

The minute I think somebody needs a little bit of support, I refer because I think it’s important and I’ve lost people in my life to suicide. I think kids are, they’re short-sighted. They’re getting disappointed or they’re not reaching their peak level or whatever it is that they want right now. Lots of conversations about that with our kids for sure but yeah, to the safety point. That’s what I tell my kids, “Often and early, you come to see me often and early if you think somebody’s struggling and we will see if we can get them to help.”

I love that approach. I love that approach that you guys are there and you make it really clear regularly because so often that’s not the case. I think that when students feel like they’re not, they don’t have that opportunity. They don’t seek it out. They don’t look for it but because these kids feel that from you guys, they’re definitely more inclined to come to you. As you said, this is way above their pay grade. It’s not something they’re used to at all.

They’re certainly short-sighted. When kids come across what they feel is insurmountable and these types of issues come up, they don’t realize that this is something that will pass, but it’s certainly something that they probably need some assistance getting through. Good for you guys for getting involved and having an aggressive approach toward it because it’s one of those things that you do have to push on because kids tend to have that mode of like, “I’ll take care of this myself.”

Yes, sorry to cut you off. I think it’s important for us just because in a boarding school environment, too, it’s like a college environment. We can see things in person that maybe a parent cannot feel over the phone or whatever that might be. I just feel like that’s why we’re aggressive about it.

I appreciate it. I think it’s amazing what you guys do. Shannon, listen, thank you again for taking the time today. I know you guys are super busy. The topic of mental health and wellness is near and dear to me, obviously, and certainly want to have that open conversation and dialogue with people like yourself just to be able to get point of view and perspective. I feel like once these shows go off live and kids are reading to them, my hope is that even if there’s one tip or suggestion or hint that kids pick up on, then we’ve done our job. Thanks again for making the time and really appreciate you being here.

Thank you and thanks for everything you’re doing. I really appreciate you having me.

Absolutely, have a great day, Shannon. You take care.

You too. See you.

 

Important Links

 

About Shannon ONeil

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Shannon ONeil | Mental HealthShe joined the IMG Academy lacrosse program with 15+ years of experience leading young women to success on and off the lacrosse field at the high school and collegiate levels. A native of Newburgh, NY, Shannon attended Villanova University and became a 2-time All-American and team captain. She is still second in Villanova’s all-time women’s lacrosse record book for total career points, assists and ground balls.

Shannon currently leads the girls’ lacrosse program at IMG Academy in Bradenton Florida. In her first three years at IMG, the program size has almost doubled, and the national team has risen from being unranked to 40th in the country. The team is hoping to break the top 25 rankings this spring season. But she didn’t just move to Bradenton, FL to win.

Shannon’s mission since day one has been to create the best female high school playing experience in the world for young woman who love to compete. She credits the program’s early success on two main factors; a persistent commitment to ensure her athletes have fun while chasing their biggest dreams and a relentless pursuit to create an environment where young women learn to genuinely root for one another.

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Jim Kuczo | Kevin's Afterglow

 

Looking to make a difference in the lives of young people? Join us for a heartwarming conversation with Jim Kuczo, president and co-founder of Kevin’s Afterglow, a non-profit organization born from tragedy and dedicated to fostering hope and resilience. Discover the inspiring story behind Kevin’s Afterglow and how they’re teaching kids the power of kindness, empathy, and mental health awareness. Learn about their innovative Buddy Bench program, a simple yet powerful tool that encourages peer support and helps kids develop crucial social-emotional skills. Plus, hear Jim’s personal journey of navigating grief and loss while making a positive impact on his community. This episode is a testament to the power of human connection and the importance of creating a supportive environment for young people to thrive.

Watch the episode here

 

Listen to the podcast here

 

Kevin’s Afterglow: Shining A Light On Youth Mental Health With Jim Kuczo

In this episode, we are welcoming in Jim Kuczo, the President and Cofounder of Kevin’s Afterglow. Jim and his wife, Kristen founded Kevin’s Afterglow after their son, Kevin, took his life on February 4th, 2021. The mission of Kevin’s Afterglow is to teach kids, kindness, empathy, and the ability to listen to each other and give to others, educate parents and children on mental health, help address the pediatric mental health crisis, and plain get people talking. Thank you so much. Jim, welcome. How are you?

It’s good to see you again. I’m doing well.

It’s good to see you as well. Thank you for being here. I so appreciate you taking the time. Maybe one way to kick things off would be for you to tell us the story behind Kevin’s Afterglow.

Kevin’s Afterglow: A Story Of Hope And Healing

My wife and I founded Kevin’s Afterglow about a year after our son, Kevin, took his life. We lived in Fairfield. He went to Fairfield Warde High School and died on February 4th, 2021. My son went away on this trip. It was called the Appalachia Service Project. He did that when he was a junior and they went down to Appalachia, West Virginia. It’s one of the, I’d say, poorest places in America.

They go down to make houses warmer, safer, and drier. He came back on that trip. He did good and met a lot of people. He said, “Dad, I don’t know what I want to do with my life.” He was a freshman or sophomore. He said, “I want to help people.” We’re trying to honor that desire to help people by understanding mental health.

 

 

I didn’t understand mental health. Even when we knew Kevin had depression, for people of my generation and my parent’s generation, it was something you didn’t talk about. You kept hush-hush. Kevin’s Afterglow is here to try and teach kids at a very young level empathy and look out for each other. We want to help people and educate parents and children on it.

The stuff that I didn’t know, I’m a quasi-expert on this now. I wish I had known. I know it’s not the subject that everyone wants to talk about but it’s here. It’s real, treatable, and beatable. There are doctors for this. If you have a problem with your heart, you go see a cardiologist. If you have a problem with your eyes, go see an optometrist. There are psychiatrists, psychologists, and people who are trained to help you with this.

It’s a brain problem. It’s not a “you problem.” It’s an imbalance. It can be treated and it’s beatable. It’s like any other disease. That’s the message that we’re trying to get out here. We’re trying to get out that there are many resources out there on the internet and so forth, whether it be the North American Mental Alliance or NAMI. Even in our government, the CDC and NIH have great websites out there. Those are all for you to see on KevinsAfterglow.org.

It’s a great website. I’ve been on it several times. Jim, I so appreciate and admire what you do. I’ve had the opportunity to present with you and talk with you in the past. You are an incredible individual. You’re warm, caring, and considerate. Most importantly, though, you’re a human being and you realize that we’re all built the same. We’re all susceptible. When a parent thinks their kid isn’t, guess what? They are.

I can tell you that I’m not a perfect person, father, husband, son, or brother but I thought I was doing things right. I check in the boxes. I got a house and a mortgage. I’m working, stable, and everything. I never thought it was going to happen to my family. I’m not perfect but if it can happen to my family, it could happen to your family.

Suicide is not a word people like to use or a topic that people like to talk about. Neither is depression. There are presentations I do where I avoid using the word because it’s such a turnoff to people but yet it’s one of those things. The suicide rate is as high as it’s ever been in young adults. The depressive rates and the anxiety rates for high school and college-age kids are higher than they’ve been in years. You and I talked about this a bit but the thrust behind what we’re doing is, “Let’s talk about it.” If we can offer tips and suggestions, make mistakes, and other people can learn from them, fantastic. That’s what life is about.

Social Media’s Impact On Mental Health

I heard a psychiatrist on the news call it a modern-day weapon of mass destruction and how social media could be cruel. Even if people aren’t trying to be cruel, people can perceive it like, “Mark was in Turks and Caicos. They were in Florida two months ago. How come they get to go on all these vacations? Look how big their house is. Look at that car. How come they’re at that party and I wasn’t invited?” It’s things like that. It’s simple things where you get left off of texturing and you’re gone for a while. You add the normal things of trying to get pressures of getting into college if that’s what you want to do or sports specialization and other things. It’s very tough for these kids. Everything’s magnified because of social media.

It's very tough for these kids, and everything's magnified because of social media. Share on X

You and I both know this as adults. The sad part is that social media is one-dimensional. It doesn’t tell a story at all. I’ve had people in my office crying in the afternoon and posting in the evening.

COVID’s Lingering Effects On Children’s Mental Health

It’s a rush. I know it’s past but I always say that my son didn’t die of COVID but he died of COVID. We’re talking about connecting with people. We took away all the connection and almost every student went through that in some form or another. It’s gone but it got a lasting effect on kids.

You look at even 2023, for example. There was a variety of students who missed graduation because of the encampments on campus. It occurred to me that that’s the same class that missed graduation because of COVID in high school. It’s how that affects kids.

Kevin had depression before COVID but it bumped it up at another level. Right after Kevin died, I read something from the Pediatric Mental Health Alliance. It’s something very official. Self-harm in the Northeast around 2020 to 2021 rose to 333%. I say to kids, “Where are you?” “We’re in the Northeast.” It’s crazy. This was my son’s 2020. The school goes remote. At first, kids are like, “Yeah, no school,” but you have to sit in your bedroom, look at a screen all day, and try to pay attention.

I still have an undiagnosed ADD problem. I have three screens and I don’t know what to do with them. The cross gets canceled and any type of dances or proms and that trip I talked about. The service project to Appalachia was canceled. This beautiful sunset in Eastern Maine and the Canadian border, where my family goes, we couldn’t go because it is in Canada. They weren’t letting people in.

That’s where some of Kevin’s ashes are spread up there. That’s why I have it. Cancel. Everyone’s going to die. What do you have to look forward to? I get it. There are words that people hear. I try to not be on Facebook so much but something came up on my feed and she was called The Good News Girl. Those were positive stories. I subscribe to it because there’s too much negative stuff out there.

Hope And Healing: Empowering Kids Through Education

It’s good to hear that stuff. You tap into an important word that I want to ask you about, which is hope. COVID took away hope for a lot of people. One thing that I find is that kids who are applying for college get turned down for the prom. They don’t get into a particular job that they want to get into. They feel like they have no hope. You and I both know as grown adults that this too shall pass but a lot of those kids can’t see over the horizon.

Their brains aren’t fully developed yet. I was laid off in May 2020 so I’m still looking for a job. It is tough being mid-50s looking for a job but I know it’s going to come. Kids don’t see that. I use the power of social media. When I was in sixth grade or seventh grade, I got my first girlfriend. I’m not going to say her name. We held hands down the hall during the third period. In the fifth period, I got a note from her friend saying that we were broken up.

If that was now, she could have broken up with me on Snapchat, Facebook, and in front of the whole world. I would feel like the biggest moron ever. How do you recover from something like that? It’s a holy world for these kids. That’s the feedback I have been given when I’ve given my presentation and I talk about all these things. I’ve heard, “That is the way I feel.” It was coming from kids crying and shaking in my arms. They’re like, “I can’t believe someone else feels like the way I do.” We tell kids that there is hope of seeing a doctor and also medicine. There are many things that can help you out there.

You hit on something important that I want to emphasize. Part of the way we need to learn out a parent is we have to listen more. We’re not going to, as a parent, jump in and fix these things. It’s not a project to fix. It’s our job to listen and find support out in the community, whether it be an ally in school or a therapist, pediatrician, psychiatrist, or whomever, even a group, for kids to begin to feel good about themselves and look at the opposite of depression and anxiety, a world of peace and calm. I’ve had kids join gym groups, meditation groups, baseball groups, you name it. It gives them that sense of like, “I am good at something.”

Belonging to something. Kevin was on the Warde football and lacrosse teams. He wasn’t the star. He was pretty good. He was a great teammate. He’d rather not go in and see someone else do better and cheer them on or see someone who hasn’t done well do well. That’s the kind of kid he was. He loved the team. I have examples of headlines from a young boy in Maine and another boy in Chicago. It’s unbelievable. Both are football players. They could have taken their names out and put in Kevin’s. Once football got canceled, he felt removed from his friends and disconnected from this, that, and the other things. They took their lives as well.

The Buddy Bench Program: Fostering Connection And Support

Jim, forgive me. I can’t remember the exact language but there was a period when you were promoting and establishing benches outside of school. Tell my audience about that.

Kevin’s Afterglow is a 501(c) nonprofit charity approved by the government and everything. We do two things with the money that we fundraise and donations. It goes to our Buddy Bench program and Pediatric Mental Health Scholarship Program. My wife is a second-grade teacher in Darien. Her teaching colleagues donated a buddy bench to Jennings Elementary, where my two boys went.

I had never heard of it. We went to a dedication. I was like, “This is neat.” There are rules around the bench. If you’re feeling sad, lonely, or not included on the playground, you can go sit on the bench. Kids are taught, if I was on the bench, to go over and help them. “Do you want to come play with me?” If you’re sitting on the bench, you have to go play with that person if someone asks you to.

I thought this was neat because I was trying to figure out some way. I know kids were affected by the COVID thing at a very high level. I’ll go more into that. I didn’t ask for help from anyone until Kevin died. I needed help then. It’s a hard thing for an adult to ask for help, let alone a kid. If we can teach a kid at a very high level to ask for help and then receive help, that’s pretty cool. “What if I do reach out to a doctor or somebody who can help me like a counselor?”

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Jim Kuczo | Kevin's Afterglow

 

This teaches them at that young age. If we can get a hold of the depression, anxiety, and feelings, and they are overcoming us and we’re feeling sad, we can go talk to somebody. There is hope. We’ve been placing Kevin’s Afterglow Buddy Benches. There are nineteen public schools in Fairfield. By the end of November 2024, we’re going to have them in two more elementary schools. We have them in the middle schools and high schools, too.

At first, I was going to do the elementary schools. When we go in, we give them instructions, curriculum, and books. We don’t plot down a bench and say, “Here, figure it out.” These kids are being taught. What a nice reminder when they go to middle school and high school. You don’t have to necessarily sit on it like you would in elementary school but it’s a reminder to check in on people and look out for others.

No doubt. I love it.

What’s cool is we also have local businesses. We do fundraise events with them. It’s a connection through town. They see the kids here and there at school. At Osborn Hill Elementary School, my wife and I usually do a dedication. We talk about what the bench is for and then tell a story about Kevin. We tell them that he passed away but he was a kid who looked out for his friends. “Let’s do that.”

This sums it up perfectly. A mother wrote on Facebook, “I’m not a big post person but sharing as I want if I knew and love Kevin. My daughter, who was a first grader at Osborn Hill, came home talking excitedly about Kevin’s Afterglow Buddy Benches around town. No one will ever be without a friend. I asked her if she knew what they were named after and she said Kevin was a boy who was kind and friendly to all always.”

She said whenever anyone was upset or alone, he would invite them to play and cheer them up. She knows he died and that he left behind friends and family who shared wonderful things about him and loved him very much. That is his afterglow. She knows the benches are a way of spreading that love in Afterglow. If I were Kevin’s mom, I’d want to know that some little girl somewhere inspired by this was talking about this wonderful life to her mom in their kitchen over dinner.” That’s exactly what I want to do. It makes me cry every time I read it. It’s amazing.

Thank you for sharing that. That was awesome.

Investing In The Future: The Pediatric Mental Health Care Provider Scholarship

The other thing that we’re doing and what I want to impress upon people that we found is that we have a pediatric mental health care provider scholarship. We were going through trying to find a counselor so I got a counselor to talk to Kevin and tried to get a psychiatrist to dispense medicine. The rates are skyrocketing. There are a lot of people looking for these doctors and there’s not enough out there. It’s very hard.

I would encourage any parent who’s going through this to go on sites like Miami AFSP. You’ll see the ten different times types of mental health conditions that your child might be exhibiting. There are not enough doctors out there. What we want to do with those people who are studying to be licensed social workers, counselors, or psychiatrists is give them money and help them. We’ve given out about $20,000 worth of scholarships over the past few years.

Congratulations. That’s awesome. I have to say congratulations on the benches too. What an amazing project. Thank you for reading that email. That’s what brings it home. When a person says that, that’s truly amazing. You work so hard to promote wellness and kindness. You may not always hear those emails.

Everyone has their phones but I had this camera where I would take sports pictures of my kids. I just press the button and it would take about 100 pictures. I know 1 or 2 of them will come out good. That’s what I get when I’m talking to an audience. “I know I’m going to get through 1 or 2 kids.” The stuff that we’ve done, I know for a fact that we’ve helped save two lives in Fairfield through talking. We teach people to act, acknowledge, care, and then tell a trusted individual.

There was one girl who had taken some pills and vodka and told her friends. They knew what to do. They saved that girl’s life. There was another boy who was acting strange and was complaining about things. They were trying to text him but he wouldn’t text back. They told his brother to go into his room and his brother saved his life because he was in the process of hanging himself. It’s crazy.

Don’t Ignore The Signs

Thank you so much for sharing those stories. These are hard stories to share. If I could ask my audience to go to KevinsAfterglow.org. Please go over to that website. It’s chock full of good information. Most importantly, what I want my audience to take away from our conversation, both parents and kids, is don’t ignore the signs.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Jim Kuczo | Kevin's Afterglow

 

If there are things going on and there is a general sadness with a young person, whether you’re their friend or parent, or you simply know the kid, do not ignore that because that could very well be the sign and symptom of that person getting ready to do something tragic. A lot of times, as you know, these signs and symptoms can be subtle. Sometimes they’re overt but regardless of how they present, we know that these are issues with young people, and in many ways, they rely on adults to respond and assist.

People from our generation think that it’s the kid out in the corner, maybe dressed weirdly, or something like that by himself. My kid has something we call high functioning or smiling depression where we were concerned and we saw stuff at home but he did not act that way at school. We asked the guidance counselors and teachers and they’re like, “No, he’s smiling. He’s high-fiving people. He’s part of the mix, if not stirring the mix.” There was something about him that he felt he didn’t fit in. The brain is very powerful in making what seems different.

The brain is very powerful in making what's real seem different. Share on X

The after-effects are immense for everybody who knows people like Kevin. One thing I’ve recognized and I feel is starting to change in the last couple of years is people are asking more questions. People see someone sad. They’re less unwilling to keep walking. They ask the question. To me, that gives me hope that those individuals aren’t necessarily being ignored and overlooked. That comes from these kinds of discussions, Jim. I applaud you for your efforts. It’s immense. There are many people that you are helping that you don’t even realize you’re helping. Thank you for all of your efforts and all of what you do.

Thank you.

You’re welcome. The concept behind this show is I want not only for us to have an open conversation but I want it to keep going. What I normally ask is when I interview someone, if maybe you have someone in your world, a friend, a coworker, a relative, or someone who you think would be good for me to interview next to keep the conversation going. Any thoughts? Anyone you have in mind?

Unfortunately, I know other people whose parents of their sons took their lives. There’s a gentleman who has a foundation called Believe Your GRReatness. His son died who was very much into music so they have a music-type scholarship and music therapy. There’s The HT40 Foundation. Hayden Thorsen was a young man in Darien, Connecticut. He was a hockey goalie. He took his life about a year after Kevin did. They have something pretty cool. It’s called the Shoulder Check Initiative. You normally shoulder checks no one in hockey but this is more like, “I’m here for you.” I can certainly give you some names. I know a bunch of wonderful people who have some great foundations.

I appreciate it. My interest is I want to keep the conversation moving and give everybody an opportunity to talk. Everybody has a different perspective. We continue to grow and we share those perspectives. To me, it’s having an open conversation and dialogue, showing up, and being supportive of people. Thank you so much for your time. I know you’re busy. I appreciate you taking the time.

Anytime.

We’ll talk soon. Have a wonderful day.

Let’s get a bench up in Avon.

I would love that. I will propose the idea. I didn’t even tell you but I’ve been at a prep school in Avon in 2024. I’m consulting. It’s time for me to bring the concept up to them and we’ll talk to them.

The biggest ones were all 900 students at Fairfield Prep. That went well. I could put you in touch with the main counselor there, Robin Bellotto. Sometimes, you have to have those serious conversations.

Let’s make it happen. I appreciate the offer, Jim. We’ll talk. Thanks for coming. Take care. Bye bye.

 

Important Links

 

About Jim Kuczo

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Jim Kuczo | Kevin's AfterglowJim Kuczo is the President and Co-Founder of Kevin’s Afterglow.

Jim and his wife Kristen founded Kevin’s Afterglow after their son Kevin, took his life on February 4th, 2021.

The Mission of Kevin’s Afterglow is to:

-Teach kids kindness, empathy, and the ability to listen to others…give to others
-Educate Parents and Children on Mental Health
-Help Address the Pediatric Mental Health Crisis
-Get people to TALK