Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Dr. Jen Hartstein | Neurodiversity

 

Let’s talk about neurodiversity. It’s not just a buzzword; it’s about building a better future for work. Marc Lehman ignites a crucial conversation with Dr. Jen Hartstein, owner of Hartstein Psychological Services and co-founder of Mental Capital. This isn’t your typical HR talk; Dr. Hartstein, an expert in child and adolescent psychology, is revolutionizing how companies embrace this concept. This episode dives deep: How do we move beyond surface-level awareness to truly attract, hire, and retain neurodiverse talent? Dr. Jen Hartstein provides the roadmap, empowering leaders to cultivate workplaces where every mind thrives, and innovation flourishes.

Watch the episode here

 

Listen to the podcast here

 

Championing Neurodiversity In The Workplace With Dr. Jen Hartstein

I am joined by Dr. Jennifer Hartstein. Jennifer, welcome.

Thanks for having me.

Thanks for being here. Dr. Jennifer Hartstein is the Owner of Hartstein Psychological Services, a group private practice in New York City. Dr. Jen works with children, adolescents, and their families with a wide range of psychological diagnoses and specializes in the treatment of high-risk children and adolescents. Additionally, she’s the Cofounder of Mental Capital, working with companies large and small to attract higher and retain neurodiverse employees and staff while helping to create neuro inclusive work environments. I can’t wait to hear about that.

Dr. Jen frequently speaks with companies about mental health stress reduction and how leaders can create healthy work environments for their employees. She’s on the executive committee and is a Board Member for Active Minds, an amazing organization working on college campuses to decrease the stigma of mental health.

She’s part of a practitioner alliance of Same Here Global, a major mental health organization run by my colleague and friend Eric Kussin. Dr. Jen was a Self-Esteem Ambassador for Dove’s Real Beauty campaign and was on the advisory board for MTV’s A Thin Line, which focused on the digital behavior of today’s young people.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Dr. Jen Hartstein | Neurodiversity

 

She’s the author of Princess Recovery: A How-to Guide for Raising Strong, Empowered Girls Who Can Create Their Own Happily Ever Afters. She’s a regular contributor to a variety of media outlets, including NBC News Now, NBC’s The Today Show, The Huffington Post and Parents Magazine. Dr. Jen, thank you so much for being here. How’d I do with that?

You did great. I’m like, “That person sounds really impressive.”

Absolutely. I agree. I do think you’re very impressive. Let’s dig in. Let’s talk about this, because you and I do very similar work. There’s some crossover, but clearly, you are doing some stuff that I don’t do and would love to hear about. Can we start with Mental Capital? That intrigued me. Tell us about that.

Dr. Jen Hartstein On Mental Capital & Workplace Inclusion

For sure. Mental Capital is a business that I started with a longtime friend named Peter Shankman, who is very well known in the entrepreneurship space and is a neurodiverse entrepreneur. He has spoken a lot about his ADHD is his superpower and has written some books on it. He has a book called Faster Than Normal and a podcast called Faster Than Normal, which I highly recommend for people who are A DHD or think they might be neurodiverse. They’re great resources. He wrote a great children’s book. We’ve been friends for a very long time.

We were talking and one day we were like, “There seems to be a lack in business space of supporting neurodiverse employees.” He does keynotes about his own experience and here I am, a clinical person and can bring an element into companies saying, “Here’s the clinical side and here’s the lived experience side and this beautiful synergy of how we can help you create neuro inclusive environments.”

Think about it this way. If we think about the fact that I live in Manhattan and every corner has a curb cutout. The curb cutout started as a way to help handicapped people get across sidewalks. It started as a disability focused intervention, but who does it help? It helps parents with strollers, it helps delivery people with carts, it helps groceries, it helps all the things.

What helps one helps the masses. We are trying to really go into businesses and say, “If you can make this change for your neurodiverse staff, it helps all your staff. We also know return of investment. Happier employees make happier businesses, and so on and so forth. That’s really where it started and that’s where we’re getting our traction.

If you look at the research, like when you think about college age and young adults, 53% of Gen Z is identifying as neurodiverse. That doesn’t mean they all carry a specific diagnosis, but it doesn’t matter. They’re going into the workplace identifying as neurodiverse. You have Gen Xers and Boomers still in leadership that don’t know what that means and how to talk to them. They think they’re lazy. They think they’re not working hard enough. Whatever you want to see, there’s all this judgment and you’re losing really good employees because we’re not shifting environments to make it better.

That’s really what Mental Capital is, and it’s really fun and it’s really exciting and to go into like a place like Morgan Stanley where we’ve gone in and done a series of talks and had this wide range of people come up to us at the end, like, “We learned so much. This is so enlightening,” or parents of neurodiverse kids being like, “This is so helpful. How do I advocate for what I need in a workplace?” All of those things. It’s been a lot of fun to be creating.

It’s funny, I was just thinking as therapists, we take that for granted sometimes that everybody knows what we know or everybody’s had the similar experiences. Every once in a while, we meet people that have such a base experience with diversity or neurodiversity and as a result, the working environments can get really complicated and really hard.

I think you have it on both sides. You have the people that just don’t know what it means. They don’t know what the definitions are, they don’t know that we all have different cognitive differences. We have that piece and we’re all supposed to fit into the same hole and peg and that doesn’t work anymore. I think there’s two kinds of problems we have with people coming into work spaces that are neurodiverse.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Dr. Jen Hartstein | Neurodiversity

 

One is they don’t always know how to advocate for themselves because you’ve also been told to be the round peg to get into the hole. You try and mask or create a persona that presents as normal whatever the heck normal means or you have people coming out of environments where they’ve been given. You work in schools.

In school systems, we have 504s and ieps, supports and all these things. All of a sudden, they got thrown out of college and those things don’t exist. That’s maybe what made them a really successful candidate for the job, having some scaffolding. Why do we take all the scaffolding away just because we like have a magic number of 21 or 22? It’s like, no scaffolding. We’re creating frameworks and businesses to keep some scaffolding because I mean, let’s face it, we all could use some scaffolding at different times. Wouldn’t that be helpful? We only know what we know. Having these conversations is really so important because more and more people are impacted and are going to be in the workplace.

You got me thinking about high school, college, and then work. I do a lot of work in high schools and that work in college, that transition. I see that when students not only have scaffolding academically, but then they go into a dorm. Their social skills are limited or low, and really, no one’s taken the time to help them with that.

It’s amazing when you start teaching and you start giving them skillsets and all of a sudden, they start picking up friends. I think it’s similar in the workplace in that they’re able to get things done in a way that their bosses want them to. Wonderful idea. Love the concept. I appreciate you giving us the backdrop of it.

How COVID Changed Mental Health & Emotional Resilience

Let me ask you this. Your practice. You see a lot of different things. I guess I have a couple thoughts or a couple of questions for you. One is we’ll call it post-COVID, I don’t even know if that’s the right term to be using right now, but since COVID has been a little bit in the backdrop, I guess I’m wondering what are some of the trends that you’re noticing with young people in your office?

I think starting in COVID, we really started to see how disconnected young people are. I think that has continued, unfortunately. You have kids in rooms with other kids that are just lonely and disconnected from one another. Fundamentally, we have two buckets of things I’m seeing, not even diagnostically, but we have the emotion dysregulation, lack of the ability to regulate an emotion without some distress tolerance strategy. Without some sort of distraction, I don’t know how to just sit in emotion. You have these very dysregulated kids that become young adults and adults, and we don’t have those skills. I think you have that on the one hand. You have simultaneous with that, a real dearth of interpersonal effectiveness skills.

They don’t know how to say, “I’m really struggling,” or, “I know you think I’m the star athlete and everything’s great, but am I miserable?” In fact, I spoke to a parent who’s like, “We just found out my son had four suicide attempts that failed. We had no idea that this was going on for him.” Top student, top school, star athlete but so well masked that no one had any idea. We hear those stories all the time.

Our specialty in Hartstein Psychological is these high risk, high intensity, highly dysregulated kids. Even with our clients that don’t fit that category, no one knows how to self-soothe. No one knows how to just be like, “This is a rough day. I’m going to lay on the couch and have a pity party for a few hours and cry or be upset or whatever and then I’m going to get up.”

We are so busy being like, “I can’t feel this. Get on my phone, get on a screen. Do something.” It’s amplified as we all know so much more now by comparisons online and all of the things that we’re leaning into with social media. Those are the big buckets that my practice and like all my people would all probably agree are the big holes for young people right now.

Teens, Substances & The Problem With Over-Parenting

I have to say, whether it’s running to the phone for soothing, clearly the whole social media piece, I also see young people with the advent of marijuana pens, mobile it is, we’ll say. With the advent of that, I’ve noticed when I say to kids sometimes, “How often are you using marijuana?” They can’t answer because it’s like 15 to 20 times a day that they’re just taking a puff off of their pen, which reminds me a lot of a child with a with a pacifier. 

It doesn’t even have to be a marijuana vape. I think it can be any vape. They do such a good job of hiding it in their hand or hiding it in a sleeve, and all of a sudden, it’s like, “What?” I’m always amazed. I’m like, “Anywhere?” There’s this lack of responsibility. “Maybe sitting in the doctor’s office is not a place I should be vaping.” I had a client in the hospital and she’s like, “I snuck my vape in.” I’m like, “What?” It wasn’t marijuana, it was nicotine, there is this dependence thing.

I think that the third thing we don’t always like to talk about is we have very well intended adults in the lives of young people who over-function for young people. That makes that interpersonal effectiveness and emotion dysregulation bucket that much harder to fill because someone is always navigating the world for you. All of that over accommodation doesn’t allow anybody to learn they’re actually capable.

All of that overaccommodation from adults doesn't allow young people to learn they are actually capable. Share on X

It’s funny you should say that. I remember a student of mine getting turned down by a college, a seventeen-year-old. It occurred to me as she was sobbing about this that this might be like the first time she’s felt disappointment of this level in her entire life at seventeen. I think that as adults, it becomes our job to let kids tolerate some of these things. Let’s face it, as parents, I think we’re constantly in the middle there of I don’t want my child too anxious or depressed versus I do need to let my child deal with stuff.

Failure As A Tool For Growth & Building Resilience

Failure’s a gift. Jess Lahey wrote one of my favorite books that I recommend to parents all the time called The Gift of Failure. It’s really all about the place we learn is where we fail. Kids learn how to walk because they walk and they fall down. We don’t pick them up all the time. They’ll never learn how to walk. Why do we, all of a sudden, think we can’t let our young people fail? I think that that’s where we learn the most. Jess’s book is just like so spot on in having that conversation. I think that there’s that.

I think that what we ultimately are doing when we’re trying to protect our kids from feeling anxious, feeling sad, failing, is we’re inadvertently teaching them that they’re actually incapable of handling it. We’re actually making them more anxious. We don’t realize that because it also requires parents to navigate their own emotions. Be like, “I can tolerate my kid being anxious. I can tolerate my child sobbing out of disappointment,” and having to just sit there and validate and not tell them, “I can fix it.” That’s really hard.

The resilient piece of being able to come back from that Yeah. Is so important to their self-worth. You hit the nail on the head. I see a little bit of all of that. As parents, it’s a challenge. It is a huge challenge with things like vape pens and things like phones and stuff around kids that work against us as parents. Even therapists. It puts us in a position. You mentioned it increases anxiety. A lot of our work is helping kids tolerate anxiety.

That’s so hard. I had a meeting with a teenager and we were talking about something she was anxious about, but she had something else. She remembered she was anxious about over here. She wants an answer on something that she can’t get an answer on it. She’s so frustrated. I’m like, “Okay, but you’re going to do this thing. We’ve got to come up with some strategies.” She was like, “I have to focus on this side and you have to give me an answer.”

When I wouldn’t give her an answer, it was like she got more and more escalated and I was like, “Alright, hold on. I will hold this space for you to be upset. I can handle it. You can be as frustrated with me as you want. I don’t care, but we still have to finish this conversation. How can you be okay waiting?” I think that was like this beautiful microcosm of what happens with so many kids we see all the time. “What do you mean I have to wait? Give me an answer now.” We are an immediate gratification society. I want it. I order it, I get it tomorrow, the end. There’s no waiting.

You sound like me, Jen. I say that all the time. Amazon wasn’t good enough, so we made Amazon Prime because we need it faster. What’s interesting is like one huge thing in a young person’s world that they can’t speed up is school. School is anything but fast. Many kids have to wait for grades. They have to wait for college entrance stuff and everything you have to wait for.

They’re just not used to that. Maybe that leads me to my next question. I’m wondering about this. Anxiety and depression are obviously way up. You and I see it all the time in our offices. I’m wondering, when you think about what are some of the things that prompt that? Why are they up so much? What comes to mind?

Social Media, Anxiety & The Rising Mental Health Crisis

When you look at the numbers, the numbers are staggering. If we just think basic research numbers like suicide is the second leading cause of death for 10 to 25-year-olds. Anxiety went up for girls heading into COVID until just after COVID, like 200%. Self-harm rates increased. We know 1 in 4 young people have tried self-harming at least one time, which we can talk about also. The numbers are scary. I’m not scared of them, although I think they are scary. I think so much of it is what we were talking about a little bit before. We live in a society because of social media especially. Please let me preface this by saying, I do not think social media is the only enemy of young people. I think it is a problem for young people.

I think that the pendulum has swung over to phones and social media and all this stuff are the devil, but for a socially anxious kid, they’re a lifeline. There’s so much good but I think we’re the messaging right now is take all the phones away and like, go back to feeling the grass. Go back to building independence. Kids are too codependent. They do not know how to do. When I see a ten-year-old walk into school by themselves in the city, I do a little internal happy dance because I love the independence. I think the anxiety and the depression is coming from this constant comparison.

Let us go back to building independent kids. They are too co-dependent. Take all the phones away and go back to feeling the grass. Share on X

When I was growing up in the ‘70s and ‘80s, I didn’t know about the party because I didn’t know about the party. I learned about it on Monday but I wasn’t watching it unfold in real time on social media through Snapchat or Instagram and then having maybe people talk about me when I wasn’t there and all of those things. There’s this, “Am I going to be included?” That’s part of adolescence. That’s part of development, growth and finding yourself.

However, if I had to live my life out loud all the time, I’m so glad that that was not part of my adolescence. We can’t diminish the impact of that on a very malleable undeveloped brain of trying to understand what it all means. We, as adults, I’m sure there are moments you see something on social media as an adult. I’m a 53-year-old woman, and I’m like, “Why wasn’t I invited to that?” I feel disappointed in that. I can be like, “Does it really matter?” Now make me 13 or 14 and I’m watching that.

I think that there is a part of us that always wants to be part of the community included and when I’m not, I question it. I’m comparing myself to what do you look like and what’s your curated life. The comparisons that we’ve always had are so much harder to navigate, and because we’re not always talking about them, kids don’t know how to process it. They don’t know how to say, “That’s not reality. That person’s life isn’t real.”

I think the social media piece, the comparisons piece and the life in real time unfolding in front of us are huge. Sometimes we just have these unrealistic expectations of young people and what they’re supposed to be doing and the way the world is. They are climate afraid. We have not prepared a world for them that’s great and they know it and they’re afraid of it.

We are getting messaging that if you belong to a certain marginalized group, you’re not good enough. If you’re part of a trans community, you’re not allowed to be who you are. How does that impact this young group of people who believe in gender fluidity and sexual fluidity, but no, don’t do that. Everything about them that they’re supposed to be questioning is being questioned by the larger thing. I think that there’s just like no reprieve.

I see that all the time. You made me think, too. I’m on social media a lot for my businesses and half of my audience is students, half of them are parents. The things that I see students, in particular young ladies doing online in terms of comparison is disturbing. I was looking up the book you wrote and thought, “I’ve got to ask Jen about this.”

I’m all over the place.

Empowering Young People & Encouraging Emotional Expression

No, you’re not. You’re touching on some very amazing things. I ask, Jen, you’re talking to an audience of young people right now, and I want to know from your perspective if you’re talking directly to a young lady, let’s say teenager, what advice do you give them around empowerment?

I don’t know if you saw that amazing Dove commercial during the Super Bowl.. It’s just like this delightful three-year-old that she’s running and her legs bring her places and are so empowering, but at fourteen, they’re going to be the things she hates the most. We get that this is why girls drop out of sports. I was teary-eyed in the commercial because I loved it. What’s so disheartening to me is I wrote my book in 2011. We could have the exact same conversation with a few tweaks about what I talk about in my book, because this is what happens with girls and it has happened forever.

It’s hormonal, societal and developmental. There are so many variables. What I really say to young people, and I see a lot of girls in my office where we have these conversations, is what’s the thing you love internally and externally? Internally, what’s the thing about yourself that makes you, you? You have to identify that. Most people will go, “My friends will say,” or, “My parents will say.” No, I don’t want to know any of that. What’s you and how do we water that seed?

“I’m really funny.” “Cool. How do we use that as your superpower?” “I’m a great juggler.” “Awesome. How do we use that as your superpower?” Really slowing down and having some internal exploration of what’s that thing, that light that I will not let anybody snuff out that I will protect at all costs. What’s the external thing that I love? You love Dungeons and Dragons? Cool. Find a Dungeons and Dragons team. You love to play soccer. Okay, great. Can you be part of a soccer club?

There are groups of people for all of us. Being part of the popular crowd looks great, but being part of the popular crowd sucks. There’s so much effort in staying in the popular crowd. Find your people. I think that’s where most young people get stuck. High school movies show high school as so fabulous. I tell most of my clients, “You find your people, like your true people, on your sophomore year in college.”

Your high school people are your people, but many of them are people you’ve known since you were in kindergarten, so they’re your people by default. You go to college, it’s sometimes the first time you’ve had to actually make friends outside of the forced friendships from childhood. Freshman year, you’re trying to figure out who those people are. It’s all new. You might find this crew and they might be great, but sophomore year, when you’re settled, you find your people.

I have had several clients come back to me later and be like, “How did you know that?” I’m like, “I went to college and I lived it.” I just watch what happens. Some of that is really understanding who you want your people to be. I think that’s empowering in and of itself.

I’m really glad you said that last part because I just said to a patient, “In my opinion, your people, number one, treat you like you treat them. Number two, they’re there for you when you need them. Just like you’re there for them.” Kids get that really confused. If you’re around people that you think are your people that aren’t there for you, they’re not really your people.

 

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Dr. Jen Hartstein | Neurodiversity

 

Yet we continue to try and make them our people. We continue to try and be like, “They were nice to me yesterday, so they’ll be nice to me tomorrow.” You shouldn’t have a friendship that’s an every other day friendship. Young people just they think it’s what should be. This is the negotiation of relationships young people have to figure out. The letting go of a friendship at any point of our lives, I don’t care how old we are, is painful and sad and no one wants to feel that. Part of it goes back to this idea of failure. It’s part of life. Not all relationships are lifetime relationships, even when we think they’re going to be. That’s really hard.

I think if you talk to enough young people, you hear those themes. You just hear them over and over again. You also hear what referencing earlier, that hidden world like, “I’m super depressed, but I don’t let people know that.” Especially males. I was talking with a student and we joked about this, but I think there’s some real truth to it. I had said to him, “When was the last time you cried openly in front of people?” He looked at me as though he had never done it. I said, “Just so you know, I asked that same question to a female an hour ago, and she said, ‘Your waiting room.’” there’s that sense of male-female split of how young men are able to embrace that. I’m sure you see that in your space.

Athletes, Mental Health & The Role Of Public Figures

This is why I love AJ Brown. There is some really important stuff happening. I agree that I think we’re getting a shift. We’re getting a shift in the AJ Browns, the Jason Kelsey’s like all of these tough NFL players and basketball players and all that stuff that are coming out and talking about mental health. We can say, “Kevin Love really started a lot of these conversations with basketball and all this stuff.” I think that we’re seeing it’s becoming the norm.

I’ve had some interactions with some former pro athletes and a lot of them are really starting to recognize like, “I need to talk about these things. I need to be open. I need to be sharing my story because I can have an impact on person X, Y, or Z. I can tell these young men.” We know there’s also an even bigger divide when it’s men of color versus not. Men of color have a whole very another level of, “I’m supposed to be strong.” I just want everybody to bow down to AJ Brown and his openness because I think that that is going to be a game changer. I like what he did for the author of that book. Just a game changer. He’s basically being like, “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

It’s funny, I was interviewing Damien Gregory, a colleague of mine who played in the NFL, and Damien nominated AJ. This is before the Super Bowl. I said, “If you get him on my show, I’ll be forever thankful.” I agree. He has opened doors for people, not just men, but it isn’t just around general mental health. I also think it’s around suicide specifically. To me, and I’m sure to you as well as a therapist, the scariest side of mental health for parents and for anyone is that, and yet, who are watching those numbers. Here’s the craziest part. Yes, suicide is the second leading cause of death. Years ago, it was number twelve. I always tell parents like, “It is moving in the wrong direction,” and there’s a reason for that.

By the way, attempts are three times that. We’re talking about these completed suicides. We’re not talking about the fact that you get three attempts to every completed suicide. The greatest predictor of future attempt is past attempt. People attempt multiple times.

I’m with you. It’s such a scary topic. As a therapist, I think we’ve talked about it a lot. It maybe is easier for us to talk about, but I tell parents all the time, please. Certainly, there’s things that are hard to talk about. Sex, puberty, I get all that. This is one of those topics that nobody is immune to. One of the greatest things that I hear Eric say all the time from Same Here is five and five, we are all susceptible. I really believe that. I believe that in all the wrong circumstances, these things come out. Just when you think that guy or that young lady, they’re fine. They’re not. Ask them.

Destigmatizing Therapy & Treating Mental Health Like Physical Health

I think what one of the things that I also appreciate about Eric’s messaging is that mental health and physical health are equally important. We go for yearly physicals. We don’t hesitate. I didn’t feel well last week. I didn’t hesitate to walk into the doctor like. It’s very funny, as a therapist, it’s not like I say to my clients, “When I go to therapy.”

I had a client say to me, “I don’t know anything about you.” I was like, “What do you want to know? Within reason, I’ll answer you.” She was like, “Do you go to therapy?” First she said, “Do you have a mental illness?” I said, “I don’t actually think of things that way.” She goes, “Do you have issues?” I was like, “Doesn’t everybody?” She kept poking the bear and I finally was like, “What do you want to know? Do you want to know if I go to therapy?” She said, “Yes.” I said, “Yeah, I go to therapy.” She was shocked I answered her. I think she was also shocked that I go, “Why not?” I’ve got to practice what I preach. If I’m telling you to go to therapy, I’m going to go to therapy.

I think that surprises people. We always joke like, “Who’s the therapist to the therapist to the therapist?” At what point, does the threat end? Mental health and physical health, we know they play off each other and we know that they’re equal importance. If we are not paying attention to that, we’re really missing the mark.

I think our physical health and our mental health, I’ve really thought this really for my entire adult life. We have two choices. We either take care of them or they take care of us. For young people, it’s unfortunate, but I know young people that don’t go get annual physicals. They don’t go to the dentist, they don’t do this, they don’t do that.

I say it all the time, “If you’ve got things that are troubling you,” and everybody knows what that means, “Go see a therapist.” I’ve done it many times and it’s really helped, simply put. Jen, your breath of fresh air. You’re fun to talk to. I feel like I could talk to you all day and unfortunately, I’m sure we’ve got other things we got to move on to at some point.

That may be true.

Who’s Next? Passing the Torch

Let me ask you one last question. Part of the show is I ask if you’ve got a person, a friend, a relative, a coworker, AJ’s already taken by the way, to nominate. Feel free to throw a name out. I’d love to interview them next.

I’m going to nominate a young woman who I met at an event. Her name is Olivia Healy. She is amazing. A young Gen Z-er who made a short film about her panic attack. Brilliant. Smart. She really wants to open up people’s ability to talk about what anxiety is like, as it has impacted her and as it impacts young people. I am going to suggest that she be involved in this convo because I think she’ll bring some great ideas to the table.

I really appreciate it. I super look forward to connecting with her and get her info from you offline. I appreciate you nominating her. I don’t usually do this, but I’m going to break this one. Please go back when you get a chance and watch Emma Benoit’s interview. I interviewed her. She’s a young lady. She’s actually a suicide survivor.

I interviewed her a couple of shows ago. Unbelievable young lady. Readers, if you haven’t seen it, please go back. Most importantly, I appreciate your time, Jen, really, and this was great. I don’t often have therapists on, so this was really helpful for me to hear your side of things. Things are a little different in Manhattan than they are in Connecticut, so it’s always nice to hear a different view. I didn’t even ask you about the Yankees and the Mets. I won’t even go there.

I’m a Mets girl. Sorry.

You’re a Mets girl. All right. We we’re going to disagree on one thing. That’s all.

That’s okay. Thanks for having me, Mark. I really appreciate it. Thanks for all you’re doing to just have the conversations, it’s so important.

I appreciate it. Have a wonderful rest of your day.

Thanks. You, too.

Thanks.

 

Important Links

 

About Dr. Jen Hartstein

Normalize It Forward - Marc Lehman | Dr. Jen Hartstein | NeurodiversityJennifer L. Hartstein, PsyD, is the owner of Hartstein Psychological Services, a group psychotherapy practice in New York City. Dr. Jen works with children, adolescents, and their families with a wide range of psychological diagnoses and specializes in the treatment of high-risk children and adolescents. She has received intensive training in adolescent suicide assessment and has specialized in this population for several years, using a variety of treatment approaches, including Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

Additionally, Dr. Jen is the cofounder of Mental Capital, working with companies large and small to attract, hire and retain neurodiverse employees and staff while helping to create neuroinclusive work environments. Dr. Jen frequently speaks with companies about mental health, stress reduction and how leaders can create healthy work environments for their employees. Dr. Jen is on the executive committee and is a board member for Active Minds, an organization working to decrease the stigma of mental health. She is part of the Practitioner Alliance of We’re All a Little “Crazy,” a global mental health initiative.

Dr. Jen was a self-esteem ambassador for Dove’s Real Beauty campaign and was on the advisory board for MTV’s A Thin Line, which focused on the digital behaviors of today’s young people. Dr. Jen is the author of Princess Recovery: A How-to Guide for Raising Strong, Empowered Girls who Can Create Their Own Happily Ever Afters and is a regular contributor to a variety of media outlet, including, but not limited to NBC News Now, NBC’s The Today Show, Huffington Post, Parents Magazine and more.

 

Normalize It Forward | Jeff Calhoun | Student Athlete

 

Every student athlete is burdened with the task of balancing work and play. They are expected to perform well in their academics and in the court, and most of the time, this pressure takes a huge toll on their mental health. Marc Lehman explores the right way to provide support to student with former basketball player and current coach Jeff Calhoun. Together, they emphasize the importance of normalizing conversation about mental health among young adults and how they should connect with their elders and fellow students about it. Jeff also explains why taking moments of tranquility is extremely needed in this constantly interconnected world that does not seem to know how to take a break.

Watch the episode here

 

Listen to the podcast here

 

Pressures Of A Student Athlete With Jeff Calhoun

In this episode, we are welcoming Jeff Calhoun. Jeff, thank you so much for joining us. I appreciate it. Jeff, in your college years in the early ‘90s, I know you had played for UConn for your father for several years and sustained a number of injuries over time. I certainly want to chat with you about that in a bit. Jeff spent the last several years as Senior Vice President at Wheels Up, a private aviation company. In 2023, he co-founded a company. Jeff, what’s the name of the company?

REAL SLX.

It’s a sports, lifestyle, and experience club based in New York City. Jeff also does some work for ESPN as a spotter in the booth during college football games and is the assistant coach of the men’s basketball team at the University of Saint Joe’s. Personally, Jeff is married with three daughters. Jeff, thank you so much for taking the time to join us. How are you?

I’m great. It’s good to see you again. We go back a long way.

Athletic Background

It’s lovely to reconnect and hear about all of the things that you’re doing. Jeff, I started this show to give young people the message of how important it is to talk about mental health and wellness and work at not avoiding the conversation. As you know, there’s so much going on with young people. Let’s go back for a minute to your younger and my younger days at UConn as an athlete coming up through the high school and the college system and your dad as a coach for many years. I want to ask, point of view-wise, what was that like many years ago being an athlete, both in high school and college? Are you able to capture that for us?

I was always very driven to advance my basketball career. I grew up in a basketball home and always had a dream of playing for my father. There’s a lot of pressure we put on ourselves to exceed. It’s one of those things. We all tend to focus on the losses, not the wins, which can be challenging, especially at that age. It hits kids at different places.

 

Normalize It Forward | Jeff Calhoun | Student Athlete

 

There was a pressure I put on myself for a long time where I knew I was one of the better players certainly in high school and things like that. As you get to a place like UConn, you’re not just playing, say, college sports but you’re playing the highest level of college sports. The struggles change, the pressure intensifies, and the expectations are difficult sometimes to meet. Balancing those can be a challenge.

Jeff, with the original son-coach combo, over the last few years, we were witnessing amazing things at UConn with Andrew and his dad. I can’t help but think as a fan, I’m excited for the year but I’m thinking about that word pressure. There’s an expectation here of wins and the National Championship. That couldn’t be a higher expectation for those players.

Pressure And Anxiety

It’s an immense pressure and expectation. I got to imagine for a young person, that pressure is above your pay grade at that age. It’s hard to understand. With NILs and everything, there’s a lot of finances involved as well. That’s an interesting segue. We talk about mental health and certainly on college campuses, anxiety and depression are at an all-time high. You’ve got three kiddos and have been through the college years with them as have I. It is a little scary as a parent to hear how intense it is.

Bridging those two points, for me, was always difficult. There was an added pressure certainly growing up in stores as my dad’s son. I was a recruited high school athlete. I had other options to go places similar to UConn. I knew going to UConn that it was going to be difficult. It’s funny. The things I thought would be a problem, maybe relationships with teammates and things like that didn’t end up being the problem. Things I didn’t see coming became a little bit more challenging for me.

As you look at what kids go through, I look back and feel very fortunate in some ways to not have had to deal with social media, some of the expectations, the internet, and all of these things where these kids can’t turn it off and they don’t have solace that I could find, whether it was going home, going to a friend’s house, or whatever it was. It could find a little bit of an oasis of calm and get away from it as best you can. Whether you’re an athlete or non-athlete student, there’s no escaping it. It never stops. It never gives you the ability to turn it off. I certainly have seen it with my kids how difficult it is.

You bring out a great point, which is peace in your day. We can certainly talk about how that happens. For lots of people, whether they’re young adults or older adults, we all need peace in our lives. Our phones are on all the time. We do have the option of turning them off. We just overlooked that option a lot. I try to point out to my patients, at least, the advantages of things that you can get on phones like meditative apps, for example. I can’t tell you how many college students I’ve worked with over the years who use Headspace, Calm, or other meditative apps. It’s great for kids to pop their earbuds in, listen to, and feel that peace. You’re right. It is hard, especially as an athlete. Athletes are constantly moving and always going.

It’s the pressure of a bad game or, “This isn’t going as well.” That’s typical. That happens to everybody, even the best players. Ray Allen and Donyell Marshall, who I played with, had their struggles. That’s not different for them than it was for me. There’s an audience out there who has a voice as to what’s going on with you and how you’re doing. It’s not always a kind or supportive voice. There are those people out there. I don’t want to overlook that but it’s easy to find the negativity.

It’s also easy for these kids to feel the pressure of it all, whether it’s the people they grew up with, their family, or the fans of the team. There are bumps in the road and you’re figuring it out. We live in a society where the results are expected and the criticism comes quickly. It’s challenging for these kids. As you added, also the money coming in on NIL. It’s dialed up where people feel more entitled. I’m sure kids feel much more pressure because they’re getting paid.

We currently live in an analysis society where results are expected and criticism comes quickly. Share on X

I have to imagine the non-athlete or the typical kid who goes to school. I’ve been consulting at a private school in the area and I’m watching as my high school students are filling apps out. They’re transitioning to go off to college. With the non-athlete typical college kid, there’s still a ton of pressure and competitiveness around what school they’re going to. The concept of, “Are you going to be happy there,” seems to get lost. I asked that question. It’s almost like that’s not asked of the students themselves. Is that something you noticed with your kids?

A hundred percent. None of my kids are athletes in college. I feel like that completely. It’s much more of a style-over-substance conversation because they’re seeing other kids go to this or that school. With your age and my age, we were in this bubble where you knew the kids in your town and maybe some people from other places but there wasn’t this pressure of the entire country of kids trying to get in and say, “Look where I got in,” and this battle to get into these competitive schools, which has only gotten worse.

I can’t imagine with all the information that’s out there. To your point about the apps that are on the phone, there’s so much good information that’s come out of this where kids are so much more informed than we were but there is another side to that coin, which is all that pressure and expectation. Sometimes kids feel that rather than saying, “It’s going to work out regardless of where it is because I’m going to make it work out. This ends up being the place that I was meant to be at. Maybe this is the better fit for me,” rather than, “This is the place that looks best on my Instagram posts that I’m going to.”

Self-Care

I’m curious about your thoughts on this. As I alluded to, anxiety and depressive rates across the country are at an all-time high. For parents like us, it’s terrifying to know that suicide is the second leading cause of death in this age bracket. I used to tell parents, “That’s reported. It’s probably the number one because a lot of times it goes unreported.” It’s always terrifying to me when I hear stories like that but unfortunately, every few months, I hear about another one.

It leads me to think, what can parents and kids do? Beyond seeing a therapist, what are those things kids can do tangibly on campus that might be helpful? One of those big topic areas is self-care. Self-care is a phrase that’s been thrown around a lot in the last many years. I’m curious. When you think of self-care, Jeff, whether it’s your girls, yourself, or other people that you know, what does self-care mean to you?

Primarily for me, what first jumped into my mind when you asked the question is certainly when I was their age, I don’t think it was as accepted or normalized to talk about the way how you were doing that way. Not very loving parents couldn’t ask for better parents but I grew up in a home where this was probably me putting it on myself but being tough. Was this ideal that I tried to live up to? I tried to be as tough as possible. To me, I thought tough was like, “Look what I can take.” I’ve since learned that that’s not a way to describe toughness.

Toughness comes in a lot of forms, in much better and healthier forms than the way I had defined it. It’s being able to primarily recognize the way you’re feeling and finding a community, a therapist, friends, family, or a community where you feel comfortable talking about the way you’re feeling and being able to say, “I’m not doing great. I’m going through this or reaching out.” That’s a big piece of it. Getting back to what we had talked about previously, because the world doesn’t stop and it’s not, you don’t have the ability to turn it off. It’s finding that time to turn it off, settle, be at peace, and find some tranquility in this. No matter where you are, it’s always on and buzzing.

Find the time to turn off everything around you and be at peace. Find some tranquility in today’s chaos no matter where you are. Share on X

You made two good points I want to highlight. One is that conversation. It is the crux of why I created this show of people having conversations about mental health issues, whether it’s talked about in those terms or kids are talking about stress. I find it unbelievable that when I talk to college kids and say, “Have you talked to any of your friends about how your classes are going.” They’re like, “No.” No kids do that in college. Kids don’t talk about class.

There’s this huge chunk of stuff going on in kids’ worlds with academics that no one talks about with each other. Kids can feel a ton of pressure from classes not going well. They’re sitting with that alone. The classic freshman who thinks they studied enough to fail their first exam. They don’t tell anybody but they double down in their mind and they’re like, “I’ll do better on the next one.” That’s a formula for anxiety.

Normalizing the conversation and for kids to understand that there are adults, whether it be you and I, RAs, RDs, coaches, assistant coaches, teachers, or other professionals on campus that would understand, lend an ear, sit down, and have a conversation. It may not be able to help them solve things but they’ll certainly listen and be able to offer that to them.

Your second point, which is spot on, is for kids to find a place and a time in their schedule regularly to create some peace for themselves. As strange as it sounds, if I’m seeing patients all day long, sometimes I’ll go and have lunch at a park nearby to clear my head and get out of the office. Certainly, exercise is a big one for me in terms of clearing my head and getting the clutter out. As you can imagine, I might hear a few things during the week.

I’m sure for yourself as well, everybody’s got these busy schedules. Why should college kids’ lives be any different with creating that peace? I encourage kids regularly to find that, whatever it looks like for them. For some kids, working out is great. Other kids hate it. It’s finding something else that they might enjoy to help bring that stress level down. It’s a great suggestion.

I wish the kids knew. I had a conversation with one of my daughters about something like this, where it’s one of those things. It’s the burden of youth, thinking that if you’re going through it, you’re the only one who’s going through it. I’m trying to have that conversation with my daughter, “I promise you if you’re feeling this way, almost everybody around you is feeling this way too. Sometimes it’s not easy and I get that but sometimes, be pleasantly surprised if you had the vulnerability to tell somebody else that this is how you were feeling.”

A lesson I learned later in life is sharing the way I was feeling about things and finding that these people that I was very close to were going through the same thing on a parallel path. Neither one of us had ever talked to each other about it but finding that other person and finding that me telling my story helped them and me. Also, building a community of people who do listen, are there for you, and can understand what you’re going through.

Statistics support what you’re saying. One of the advantages in some ways to the majority of kids being anxious is you can say to yourself, “I’m not in the minority anymore. There’s a lot of kids out there.” It’s super good advice. It’s important for kids to hear that and realize it. You used the keyword vulnerability. If you can lean into that conversation a bit and say, “Have you been stressed about this class? I’ve been super stressed about it,” the conversation flows. I’m amazed at how many kids get to school, are super homesick, and never tell anybody around them how homesick they are. They’ll go to social media but they won’t tell kids around them. I joke, “Kids, you’d have to come from a pretty awful home to not miss something.”

Here’s a true story. My dorm room looked at my high school. I could see my high school from my dorm room window. My dad’s office was maybe a quarter mile from my dorm room. I saw him every day. My parents live 6 miles away. I was homesick. If I can be homesick, anybody can be homesick.

Memorable Mentors

That’s funny, Jeff. That’s an interesting transition to my next question for you. For so many adults I talked to, in our college and high school years, we had our mentors and people who would make suggestions. Maybe we’re able to, years later, look back and go, “That was helpful. That person had an impact on me.” It could have been someone that you least suspected in high school, a club coach of something, a friend’s parent, or certainly an advisor. Also, many coaches over the years with athletics, teachers, and all sorts of adults. I’m curious. As you look back as an adult, are you able to pull out one of those statements that somebody made to you that had an impact?

A couple of people but one specifically. We had our academic advisor for the basketball team at UConn. He was a professor of Biology at UConn. His name was Ted Taigen. He was a pretty well-known guy on campus. He’s a great person. As I battled through injuries, it put me in a pretty good depression, which I didn’t know I think what it was. I woke up one day and realized that I was not in a great place. I was having a tough time focusing on school.

He came to me and said that he noticed what was happening to me and lent an ear. He told me at the time, “You don’t have to stay in school if you don’t want to go to college and if that isn’t for you.” It wasn’t the path I ended up choosing but in a bigger conversation, those statements gave me the freedom to realize I don’t have to do all of this. If I do this, it’s because I want to do it and it’s right.

It was knowing that I didn’t have to stay on this path, people were there to help me, and people got it when I thought what I was going through was me. I had built a bubble. We talked about, “I’m the only one going through this. Nobody understands what it’s like to be me and what I’m going through.” “No, everybody has their challenges here and everybody’s dealing with something.” It helped me.

That’s an awesome story. Good for Ted for taking the steps to do that. I feel like for adults, that’s also a vulnerable decision like, “Do I say something? Do I not?” Not necessarily realizing how big of an impact that can have on a kid to say, “I see something’s going on. Here are some ideas and suggestions.” I like the way you put that. It sounds like it was a pivotal moment during your college years. Thank you for telling us that story, Jeff. I appreciate it.

Parenting Challenges

The life of a young person is hard. Equally, parenting young people has become challenging. When it comes to adding in things like mental health but even more generally, pressure, one of the hardest parts that I’ve experienced as a parent is seeing my kid feel that pressure and not being able to relieve it for them. How would you describe one of the challenges that you’ve experienced as a parent over the last many years of young adulthood?

It’s very similar to you. It’s seeing the anxiety that my kids have felt. The three girls each had their very unique challenges. I have felt it for very different reasons in very different ways. I realized that there’s a gap, not just in age but in technology and the world. It’s changed so much. What the world changed from my parents to me is not a fraction of what it’s changed from me to my girls.

 

Normalize It Forward | Jeff Calhoun | Student Athlete

 

With all of that, I was feeling, I don’t want to say helpless but how much can I identify with what they’re going through? I do think having gone through it myself, having maybe the difference between our parents and our generation, was a little bit more understanding of these issues. We all came out of growing up maybe a little bit more in tune with mental health, anxiety, and the challenges. I’ve always made a conscious effort to not forget what it’s like to be their age because it’s hard.

For me, it’s always been important to let them know that I certainly don’t see myself as a finished product. They see me as somebody who has it together, has a job, has had some success, and has done things in their life but I wasn’t always that way. I let myself be vulnerable enough to tell them, “I made mistakes that you haven’t made. I made a lot worse mistakes than you made. I was in a very similar situation to you when I was your age.” I was letting them have the understanding that we’re not the adults who have all the answers and we were also like them.

Advice For Student Athletes

We’re human beings. We make mistakes. For you to be able to be that open and honest with your kids, I’m sure opens doors for them to be able to be open and honest back, Jeff. That’s smart. Let me ask you this. I want to put you on the spot for one second. My audience is not only parents but also students. I’m thinking that there will be athletes who might be reading this conversation. I know that in athletics, not only do you have several coaches but you have a whole bunch of support staff. You got your teammates. I’m wondering. Do you have any words of advice for an athlete going through it? Let’s say they’re feeling depressed or anxious. They’re not themselves. Any words of advice?

 

Normalize It Forward | Jeff Calhoun | Student Athlete

 

Reach out. Coaching to your point, there are enough people, hopefully on a staff, on a code or in support. There are resources for you. The vast majority of people are in coaching. I do it for free. I volunteer at Saint Joe’s. I love being around basketball but more importantly, I love being around the guys that I coach. The reward is the relationship.

For me, it’s being trusted by one of the kids who play for us with the way they’re feeling with what they’re going through. Most people are involved in this because they love being around kids and they want to help kids. Know that that’s there for you. To be vulnerable is not easy. I get it but by and large, you’ll always be pleasantly surprised when you do the way people will receive it. For some reason, you’re at a place where you don’t feel supported and you don’t have those people. I’d probably tell you you’re at the wrong place. There are not many of those out there but they do exist. If you find that, then it’s probably not the right place and you should leave.

If you are at a place where you do not feel supported, it is probably not the right place for you. Share on X

Good suggestion. How’s the team looking in 2024?

We’re going to be good. We’ve been very fortunate. We’ve had good players and kids. We started with fifteen freshmen. It was a school that didn’t have men. In the first year, they had men. We had a team. Within three years, we had the number one team in the country. We’ve had good success. We’re trying to build on it but it should be an interesting year.

Episode Wrap-up

Good luck to them and you. One of the unique parts of this show is we ask for the conversation to continue. You and I will continue to talk offline about individuals who perhaps might be good guests in the future, Jeff. I want to thank you for your time. I know you’re super busy. I appreciate you making some space and allowing us to reconnect about such an important topic. Thank you so much for being here.

Thanks for having me. I appreciate it.

Jeff, you have a great day. We’ll talk soon.

You too.

Important Links